So! I moved my blog over to Wordpress. How long it will last, I don't know, but for right now, I am not going to be posting to this site. If Wordpress is awful, I'll transfer back; but for now......yeah. I am going to Wordpress.
https://thethingsmywordsdefend.wordpress.com/
Feel free to follow me over there if you want!
Friday, January 19, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Hell No, Heavens Yes, Purgatory Maybe?
I finished the book! I finally finished the Christmas present fanfiction turned original fiction book and I am free! It's all done!
Now that it's done - whatever shall I do? I mean, my hours are freed up! I'm all my own again! I can do what I want!
Let's start another book!
Because yeah. That makes total sense.
Speaking of writing another book: yeah, I didn't think that idea through on many levels. Because writing a book where the main character is an older brother who leaves a semi-abusive situation (if not outright abusive, but we've not really decided....it depends on whether or not he can be redeemed I suppose. He's narcisstic definitely, and definitely gaslighting..... I hate him.) and gets into one bad situation that seems good at first before it all goes to hell, and then moves to a third situation that his hard and hurtful but ultimately good isn't triggering at ALL.
I mean, no similarities there, right? all coincidence. Nothing from personal experience that I could ever put in the story. All fiction.
But no. in seriousness, I am actually really enjoying writing this. No idea how well it will go since it's fanfiction for a world that I don't actually know really well; but....we'll see.
But I love writing. I really do. There is something about it - the challenge of sharing a world that you see in your head in such a way that others can enjoy it too. Show, not tell; but tell, don't show. Use words, but don't use too much. Describe, but leave to the imagination. Have fun, but remember rules. Edit, but just write. Oh, it's fun.
Although starting another book while I still have to rewrite half of my other present?? Not my brightest idea, I'll admit.... But I need my book for reference and I don't have that since it's in New Mexico for conversion! soooo.... I'll start a new story.
That being said, this is definitely a new thing for me. I started out writing fantasy, but it's been years since I tried and I've been writing in the real world exclusively lately.
I love corsetting. Have I mentioned that I love corsetting? It is so much fun and so utterly comfortable - huh, I realised that this was one of those things we debated that day, Bella! I should do a post on copywrite next time!!!
Anyway! I got distracted.
So what's the first thing anyone does the minute I mention anything about shapewear at all?
I swear that is an exact picture of one person I had such a conversation with.
(If you believe that, you also believes all of the myths about corsets and this next gif is for you.)
At which point my reaction has come to be:
Corsets! Broken bones! Sixteen-inch waists! Deformity! Horror! Despair! Fear! Diseases! Back problems! Tuberculosis! Misogony! Degradation of women!
And then I slowly implode into a raging ball of irritation.
first! We cannot judge previous cultures by the standards of our own! It's amazing how much a difference education and time can make, and we cannot look back on previous decades and scorn them for their less than laudable actions when peoples in future decades will hopefully be more advanced than us and will surely mock our mistakes and criticise us.
So that got derailed.
Next! Corsets are not that bad! Shall we repeat it for those who were covering their ears and la-la-la-ing me out? CORSETS ARE NOT BAD!!!
There is nothing inherently misogynistic, cruel, or unhealthy about them - in fact, they can even make a person healthier. They improve posture, can correct back problems, can control portion eating, can help with anxiety...
And for the love of all that is good: no! Corsets do not suffocate you! Nor do they break bones! They aren't even that strong! The laces will break long before your bones do - sorry. They aren't actually torture devices! They are pieces of clothing that just slim and move a little and are basically like a push-up bra, alright? Did everyone hear that?
And no, you won't suffocate either. Alright? NO! No woman was going to be idiotic enough to lace it that tightly, and we just find it hard to breathe because we are used to breathing with our lower lungs. In a corset, one just breathes with the top of won'es lungs, alright? Trust me, you won't suffocate.
And you know what the first rule about corsetting is? If it hurts: you're doing it wrong!
There is nothing wrong with corsetting, it is perfectly safe if done right. Listen to your body, take it slow, you'll be fine in your constant hug.
(No joke - wearing a corset feels like a little kid is hugging you as tightly around your waist as they can all day - it's awesome!)
So please stop freaking out. I'm not mutliating myself. (well, I am, but not with a corset. Razor blades work much better.) I'm not hating my body. I'm just embracing all that society has given women through the years to accentuate their best features and look stunning, and if you have a problem with that?
I don't care.
I will enjoy my red lipstick and my pincurls and my petticoats and my corsets - most importantly my corsets. I'll feel pretty for once in my life, and I'll be strong for once in my life, and I'll stand up straight and tall and I'll be safe. I'll be me, and it won't matter what anyone else thinks because I'll be perfectly fine. I don't have to be a size two, I don't have to have a thirteen-inch waist, I don't have to be five feet and two inches, I don't have to wear 'natural' make-up.....
No one else is going to like me. I might as well do what I like once in a while.
On a much less bitter note: I found this and it's perfect. The corsets might not hurt me, but until I find shoes in my size, I'll definitely have problems there.
Now that it's done - whatever shall I do? I mean, my hours are freed up! I'm all my own again! I can do what I want!
Let's start another book!
Because yeah. That makes total sense.
Speaking of writing another book: yeah, I didn't think that idea through on many levels. Because writing a book where the main character is an older brother who leaves a semi-abusive situation (if not outright abusive, but we've not really decided....it depends on whether or not he can be redeemed I suppose. He's narcisstic definitely, and definitely gaslighting..... I hate him.) and gets into one bad situation that seems good at first before it all goes to hell, and then moves to a third situation that his hard and hurtful but ultimately good isn't triggering at ALL.
I mean, no similarities there, right? all coincidence. Nothing from personal experience that I could ever put in the story. All fiction.
But no. in seriousness, I am actually really enjoying writing this. No idea how well it will go since it's fanfiction for a world that I don't actually know really well; but....we'll see.
But I love writing. I really do. There is something about it - the challenge of sharing a world that you see in your head in such a way that others can enjoy it too. Show, not tell; but tell, don't show. Use words, but don't use too much. Describe, but leave to the imagination. Have fun, but remember rules. Edit, but just write. Oh, it's fun.
Although starting another book while I still have to rewrite half of my other present?? Not my brightest idea, I'll admit.... But I need my book for reference and I don't have that since it's in New Mexico for conversion! soooo.... I'll start a new story.
That being said, this is definitely a new thing for me. I started out writing fantasy, but it's been years since I tried and I've been writing in the real world exclusively lately.
I love corsetting. Have I mentioned that I love corsetting? It is so much fun and so utterly comfortable - huh, I realised that this was one of those things we debated that day, Bella! I should do a post on copywrite next time!!!
Anyway! I got distracted.
So what's the first thing anyone does the minute I mention anything about shapewear at all?
I swear that is an exact picture of one person I had such a conversation with.
(If you believe that, you also believes all of the myths about corsets and this next gif is for you.)
At which point my reaction has come to be:
Corsets! Broken bones! Sixteen-inch waists! Deformity! Horror! Despair! Fear! Diseases! Back problems! Tuberculosis! Misogony! Degradation of women!
And then I slowly implode into a raging ball of irritation.
first! We cannot judge previous cultures by the standards of our own! It's amazing how much a difference education and time can make, and we cannot look back on previous decades and scorn them for their less than laudable actions when peoples in future decades will hopefully be more advanced than us and will surely mock our mistakes and criticise us.
So that got derailed.
Next! Corsets are not that bad! Shall we repeat it for those who were covering their ears and la-la-la-ing me out? CORSETS ARE NOT BAD!!!
There is nothing inherently misogynistic, cruel, or unhealthy about them - in fact, they can even make a person healthier. They improve posture, can correct back problems, can control portion eating, can help with anxiety...
And for the love of all that is good: no! Corsets do not suffocate you! Nor do they break bones! They aren't even that strong! The laces will break long before your bones do - sorry. They aren't actually torture devices! They are pieces of clothing that just slim and move a little and are basically like a push-up bra, alright? Did everyone hear that?
And no, you won't suffocate either. Alright? NO! No woman was going to be idiotic enough to lace it that tightly, and we just find it hard to breathe because we are used to breathing with our lower lungs. In a corset, one just breathes with the top of won'es lungs, alright? Trust me, you won't suffocate.
And you know what the first rule about corsetting is? If it hurts: you're doing it wrong!
There is nothing wrong with corsetting, it is perfectly safe if done right. Listen to your body, take it slow, you'll be fine in your constant hug.
(No joke - wearing a corset feels like a little kid is hugging you as tightly around your waist as they can all day - it's awesome!)
So please stop freaking out. I'm not mutliating myself. (well, I am, but not with a corset. Razor blades work much better.) I'm not hating my body. I'm just embracing all that society has given women through the years to accentuate their best features and look stunning, and if you have a problem with that?
I don't care.
I will enjoy my red lipstick and my pincurls and my petticoats and my corsets - most importantly my corsets. I'll feel pretty for once in my life, and I'll be strong for once in my life, and I'll stand up straight and tall and I'll be safe. I'll be me, and it won't matter what anyone else thinks because I'll be perfectly fine. I don't have to be a size two, I don't have to have a thirteen-inch waist, I don't have to be five feet and two inches, I don't have to wear 'natural' make-up.....
No one else is going to like me. I might as well do what I like once in a while.
On a much less bitter note: I found this and it's perfect. The corsets might not hurt me, but until I find shoes in my size, I'll definitely have problems there.
Friday, January 12, 2018
I'm OK
So obviously I'm in a great mood.
And you know what, I'm just going to have a pity party here because I really hate it. When I post the next picture, the really whiny pity party will be over - feel free to skip. Actually, please skip. I am venting and you don't need to be burdened with this. Thanks. Bye.
What is wrong with me? What is so bad about me that no one comes close? I mean, I know I'm loud, I know I'm irritating, I'm depressed, I'm.... Everything about me. I just want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me and really want me. For my body, for my mind, for my humour - I don't really care what.
I guess I want to be popular. Just for once, I don't want everyone to give me that look that is just 'you're weird and just wrong and we'll just back away slowly since you are just wrong'. I hate that look, that feeling. I hate being passed off, sneered at. I hate being unable to relate. I hate me.
What is so wrong about me? Why can't I be wanted? why can't I have friends? Why can't I do any good? Why is my voice so painful - why does my singing irritate everyone? Why do I have to be so abrasive?
What is so wrong with me? Why can't I be liked? Why can't I be wanted?
I just want to be good, and liked, and wanted. I just want someone to want me, to care about me. I want someone to put me first.
Not likely to happen is it.....
So my pity party is over but now I am out of things to say.....
So I've been catching up with Doctor Who again - probably won't watch the next series of course but! For now I am thoroughly enjoying the Twelfth.
And by the way? WHAT IS IT WITH COMPANIONS BEING CONVERTED TO HORRIBLE THINGS AND BEING UNAWARE OF IT WHY ARE WE TORTURED THIS WAY???
Spoiler alert, I suppose.
And. Oh. My. Word.
The Christmas special was awesome!!!!!! So very - oh it was awesome. SPOILER ALERT!!!! SKIP TO THE NEXT GIF TO AVOID!!!
One and Twelve and Lethbridge-Stewart and a happy ending and did I mention One was there???? Oh it was.....I was in love. He does such a good job bringing One back to life - I love it. And after the last Regeneration episode I watched, this was a definite treat - it actually had any sort of plot!!!! *Groans* Matt's regeneration episode was horrific.
So this was at least really good. I wants it now - I wants it, my precious!
....unfortunately, that means I'm all caught up on Doctor Who again and I only have the girl left and I cannot express my nausea with that casting decision. She was great as Lethbridge-Stewart's granddaughter - why are we ruining her?????
And I finally finished my newest outfit!!!!! Black and white checked material in a circle skirt and a bolero jacket, and I even made a rose choker to go with it. I edged the jacket in black lace, and I want to do the same for the skirt now, even though that would be a ton of lace. But it would look so much better than now. I didn't have the patience to properly hem it so I did it with machine and oh, how i hate how that looks...... But circle skirts have so much yardage at the hem, and this has almost twice as much on accident......
But I might just drop the money so it can be properly finished. I'll post a picture of whatever I do the next time I wear it. Or, well, the first time I wear it, I guess.
And I just love pinning yards of lace on things, I really do. I mean, when people ask me, "Wow. How did you make such an awesome dress without a pattern?" I can reply, "Blood, sweat, and tears - no, really, that's how i made it. Tons of blood from when I stabbed needles into my fingers, tears from after, and sweat as I tried to keep the bloody lace in place as I sewed. Seriously - why does Snow White's mother get so worked up? It's basically impossible to keep blood out of sewing projects!"
Nope, I'm not overdramatic at all.....
I had always thought this was from a sad film....
Anyway! Have fun with life, I'm going to go endeavour to make it through another day.
Auf weidersehn!
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Dalmations or Spots or Posts?
So I didn't realise that my last past was my one hundredth post - so here is my hundred and first!
Actually, I am just writing because: I finished my book!!! I mean, like, I actually sat down to write a book and I FINISHED IT! It has a plot and character developement and.....I can't believe it. Two hundred and fifty pages and I am in shock. I finished it. It took a while what with the formatting, and the ending might be really rushed but...... Well, given I plan to add an entirely new arc to the middle of the book, I'll have to rewrite the ending anyway.
But still. I am the person of a hundred ideas and a thousand worlds and a million characters and not a single finished story. So what if this story is originally fanfiction? So what if it is a Christmas present that is hopelessly late? So what if I will have to change all of the names? I don't really care - I am just ecstatic that I actually accomplished this. I mean, I finished this - maybe I can publish it! Maybe I can actually publish a book! Maybe I cando what I have always wanted to do! I mean, yeah, sure, it's not like I'll be famous - but I don't care. I will have a book.
Also, yes, apparently I am celebrating my one hundred and first post with the return of my gif game.
Huzzah! I, at least, missed it.
Alright, alright, yes - back on topic.
I really wish I weren't so excited about this. I just want this happy feeling to last - this hope to last. I don't want to deal with more disappointment now.... I just want to bind the book for my friend, and then edit the digital copy, and just pretend that I can make a cover and publish a book and people will like it.
I mean, come on - I write about womanising and trafficking and torture and rape.....I don't exactly have a wide circle of friends who will enjoy that. Or be allowed to read it, for that matter.
And sure, yeah, I plan on publishing a first edition that is cleaned of that plot point, but I mean.....
The fact that I can use that gif ought to say a lot...
But I mean really - what would ever be my audience? My friends?
And the strange thing is that this book is that is nothing like I ever wanted to write. I never wanted to write a romance book, or a spy book - I always shied away from anything set on Earth. I wrote fantasy - I twisted myths to fit my imaginings. I was never supposed to write....this.
But here it is. And it isn't horrific. It's alright. And it is done. Honestly, that alone is a stupendous acheivement. Sure, it's not actually published yet - but it's started. I started it, and finished it. I had the intention of writing a novel, and i actually did it. I DID SOMETHING!!!
....and now I just realised that I don't actually have a title for the book. I've been calling it 'book' for all this time, the 'Cass/Karg book'.... Darn it. I can't title!
I'll just have to ask everyone who reads it for title ideas.
Along with everyone else.
And think up a list of questions to ask everyone that reads it.
Figures.
Ooohhh! I had another point and now i've forgotten it, darn it.....
Oh wait, I remembered!
So, a question for anyone reading this: what is your opinion on copywrit, the lapse thereof and things going into public domain? I'd love to hear it! *grins*
Actually, I am just writing because: I finished my book!!! I mean, like, I actually sat down to write a book and I FINISHED IT! It has a plot and character developement and.....I can't believe it. Two hundred and fifty pages and I am in shock. I finished it. It took a while what with the formatting, and the ending might be really rushed but...... Well, given I plan to add an entirely new arc to the middle of the book, I'll have to rewrite the ending anyway.
But still. I am the person of a hundred ideas and a thousand worlds and a million characters and not a single finished story. So what if this story is originally fanfiction? So what if it is a Christmas present that is hopelessly late? So what if I will have to change all of the names? I don't really care - I am just ecstatic that I actually accomplished this. I mean, I finished this - maybe I can publish it! Maybe I can actually publish a book! Maybe I cando what I have always wanted to do! I mean, yeah, sure, it's not like I'll be famous - but I don't care. I will have a book.
Also, yes, apparently I am celebrating my one hundred and first post with the return of my gif game.
Huzzah! I, at least, missed it.
Alright, alright, yes - back on topic.
I really wish I weren't so excited about this. I just want this happy feeling to last - this hope to last. I don't want to deal with more disappointment now.... I just want to bind the book for my friend, and then edit the digital copy, and just pretend that I can make a cover and publish a book and people will like it.
I mean, come on - I write about womanising and trafficking and torture and rape.....I don't exactly have a wide circle of friends who will enjoy that. Or be allowed to read it, for that matter.
And sure, yeah, I plan on publishing a first edition that is cleaned of that plot point, but I mean.....
The fact that I can use that gif ought to say a lot...
But I mean really - what would ever be my audience? My friends?
And the strange thing is that this book is that is nothing like I ever wanted to write. I never wanted to write a romance book, or a spy book - I always shied away from anything set on Earth. I wrote fantasy - I twisted myths to fit my imaginings. I was never supposed to write....this.
But here it is. And it isn't horrific. It's alright. And it is done. Honestly, that alone is a stupendous acheivement. Sure, it's not actually published yet - but it's started. I started it, and finished it. I had the intention of writing a novel, and i actually did it. I DID SOMETHING!!!
....and now I just realised that I don't actually have a title for the book. I've been calling it 'book' for all this time, the 'Cass/Karg book'.... Darn it. I can't title!
I'll just have to ask everyone who reads it for title ideas.
Along with everyone else.
And think up a list of questions to ask everyone that reads it.
Figures.
Ooohhh! I had another point and now i've forgotten it, darn it.....
Oh wait, I remembered!
So, a question for anyone reading this: what is your opinion on copywrit, the lapse thereof and things going into public domain? I'd love to hear it! *grins*
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The Greatest Show
....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.
Oh, boy.
My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.
That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.
The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.
And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.
Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!
Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.
Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.
Literally.
It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!
No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.
And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!
No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.
You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.
Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!
But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.
You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.
Oh, boy.
My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.
That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.
The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.
And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.
Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!
Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.
Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.
Literally.
It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!
"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."
No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.
And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!
No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.
You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.
Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!
But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.
You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.
"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...
I get off work! I get my weekend.
We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.
Which reminds me of a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.
I want to do something for Christmas.
Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.
Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.
I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.
So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.
Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....
Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.
So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.
You just have to remember that on the bad days.
Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.
On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.
I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....
But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.
I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.
But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.
And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....
I don't know what to do.
Merry Christmas!
So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.
Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.
I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....
I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.
It was awful, and I want to fix it now.
I haven't a clue as to how.
So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.
We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.
Which reminds me of a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.
I want to do something for Christmas.
Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.
Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.
I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.
So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.
Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....
Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.
So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.
You just have to remember that on the bad days.
Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.
On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.
I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....
But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.
I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.
But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.
And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....
I don't know what to do.
Merry Christmas!
So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.
Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.
I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....
I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.
It was awful, and I want to fix it now.
I haven't a clue as to how.
So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Premonitions
So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.
Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.
Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.
Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.
I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.
And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.
Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.
Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?
Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.
Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....
I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.
I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.
Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.
Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.
Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.
Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.
I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.
And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.
Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.
Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?
Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.
"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.
Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....
I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.
What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?
I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.
Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
This Is Getting to be a Habit...
Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?
Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*
I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....
I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."
yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....
I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.
So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?
Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?
This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.
It's all so pointless.
Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.
You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?
I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.
Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.
Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?
I just want to live. I just....I want to live.
Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*
I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....
I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."
yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....
I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.
So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?
Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?
This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.
It's all so pointless.
Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.
You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?
I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.
Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.
Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?
I just want to live. I just....I want to live.
EDIT
I found this song.....
Monday, December 11, 2017
Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....
I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why. I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.
And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.
What can I do?
My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?
Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....
I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.
I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...
Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.
i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....
I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....
I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....
i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.
And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.
What can I do?
My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?
Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....
I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.
I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...
Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.
i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....
I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....
I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....
i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Just Regain Your Sensitivity!
I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!
But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....
Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.
But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.
My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.
After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.
I don't know how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.
My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.
And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.
I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.
The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?
I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.
Or at least in all of the cases I know.
How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....
It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.
and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?
How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?
But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....
Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.
But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.
My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.
After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.
I don't know how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.
My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.
And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.
I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.
The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?
I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.
Or at least in all of the cases I know.
How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....
It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.
and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?
How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?
Friday, November 24, 2017
And the Adulting Fun Continues....
Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!
Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.
So! Moving on.
Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.
Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.
I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.
I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?
Right. Therapist's orders.
I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.
And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.
Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.
And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!
I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.
But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.
This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.
It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.
I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.
I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.
And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.
But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.
Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground
Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.
So! Moving on.
Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.
Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.
I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.
I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?
Right. Therapist's orders.
I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.
And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.
Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.
And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!
I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.
But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.
This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.
It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.
I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.
I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.
And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.
But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.
Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.
Stand My Ground
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground
2015 - Lord of the Rings Blog Party - Day Five
This is the last of the Blog Party repostings from 2015. Now all of my posts are on this blog - thank you so much for your patience!
Free Day
Endorenna Utulien
The Valar, the Eldar, the Children of Men
Look back on a tale that's lost to all ken.
Their's is the lot to both learn and forget -
The wise men and jesters caught in the same net,
In a world, in a place that seems so much the same -
Similarities live only in name,
For some things as others often do appear:
The reason and stories lost to all who hear.
Riding in shadow, the Men of the West
Strive to protect life without thought of rest.
They are shunned by the ones for which they risk their lives -
Looking in on a world which unders their shield thrives.
From out of these shadows, a hope shall appear -
The healer, renewer, who banishes fear;
With a touch of his hands and the strength of his soul,
The King shall renew the life of his role.
Mounted on horses, on the wings of the wind,
The Rohirrim fight to redeem those who have sinned;
To strangle the poison that's filling their halls
To ride out en force to answer ancient calls.
Rustic and simple, with a strength that defies
The entangling darkness of Saruman's lies -
Simple in beauty, riding in with the dawn;
With a cloak made of starlight, the witch-slayer is gone.
Surrounded in comfort, ignorant of the night;
Of the fear that surrounds them - untouched by the fight
Waging outside their gardens, encroaching on their land;
Borne in amongst them by an unchanging hand.
The children of joy, dancing through spring;
Heedless of sorrow - of all evil things.
Yet winter shall come with destructive roar,
And the Shire that existed shall be seen no more.
Severe, wrapped in silver, and carved out of stone -
The city faces Mordor; it stands alone.
It waits for the Light to return to it's walls,
And weeps for the murder planned in its halls -
Brother against brother, and friend against friend:
The pull of the Stone will be everyone's end.
The fires are come and the city is lost -
'Though the battle be one, it comes at great cost.
The leaves sigh in passing as they fall to the ground -
The Wise fall in shadow, leaving no sound.
Will they stand by their allies that were long left behind?
Can they stand by in silence - can they truly be blind?
Majesty and sorrow meet in a war -
Their time is over; they are no more.
Mortals will watch as the First start to fade -
A promise is kept, and the price has been paid.
The Valar, the Eldar, and the Greatest of Men
Have shone for their moment and passed out of ken.
The Rings made in secret and the Ring made of gold
Have all long since fallen - their legend is old.
Is it all just a legend, are these lords none but tales?
Can we not walk amongst them over green hills and dales?
'Though all may have passed into myth and fantasy -
Yet these lives shall live on in words and memory.
Reflections at Mirrors
"May you have joy when you look on
The glass of Mirrormere."
But nevermore joy shall I know
For many years from here.
Oh Khazad-Dum, thou cursed thing
That stole our richest gem!
Thou thing of fire, night and death;
Unfit to touch his hem.
In Dwarrowdelf, we looked in awe
At mighty halls of stone.
He rose and sang of Durin's mirror;
The echoes fled, alone.
It is a tomb, Daeron's runes...
He read what the book said.
"Balin, the Lord of Moria,
Doth now lie here, dead.
"We cannot get out, they've taken the bridge
That's in the second hall.
We cannot get out, they are coming..."
How long until we fall?
'Ghash' means fire, what do they mean?
I feel it's getting hot.
He'll stay there to face the shadow,
But you and I cannot.
Oh Khazad-Dum, treacherous bridge;
You lead him to his death.
Oh Balrog fierce, whose whip was doom,
He wasted not his breath!
Mithrandir, the Grey Pilgrim;
Gandalf, the Wanderer.
Swift to anger, but ever kind;
The hidden conjurer.
You bid me have joy when I gazed
Upon fair Mirrormere;
But in the halls of Moria
My joy was stolen, I fear.
Hatanyel orenyallo! Namárië!
Endorenna Utulien
The Valar, the Eldar, the Children of Men
Look back on a tale that's lost to all ken.
Their's is the lot to both learn and forget -
The wise men and jesters caught in the same net,
In a world, in a place that seems so much the same -
Similarities live only in name,
For some things as others often do appear:
The reason and stories lost to all who hear.
Riding in shadow, the Men of the West
Strive to protect life without thought of rest.
They are shunned by the ones for which they risk their lives -
Looking in on a world which unders their shield thrives.
From out of these shadows, a hope shall appear -
The healer, renewer, who banishes fear;
With a touch of his hands and the strength of his soul,
The King shall renew the life of his role.
Mounted on horses, on the wings of the wind,
The Rohirrim fight to redeem those who have sinned;
To strangle the poison that's filling their halls
To ride out en force to answer ancient calls.
Rustic and simple, with a strength that defies
The entangling darkness of Saruman's lies -
Simple in beauty, riding in with the dawn;
With a cloak made of starlight, the witch-slayer is gone.
Surrounded in comfort, ignorant of the night;
Of the fear that surrounds them - untouched by the fight
Waging outside their gardens, encroaching on their land;
Borne in amongst them by an unchanging hand.
The children of joy, dancing through spring;
Heedless of sorrow - of all evil things.
Yet winter shall come with destructive roar,
And the Shire that existed shall be seen no more.
Severe, wrapped in silver, and carved out of stone -
The city faces Mordor; it stands alone.
It waits for the Light to return to it's walls,
And weeps for the murder planned in its halls -
Brother against brother, and friend against friend:
The pull of the Stone will be everyone's end.
The fires are come and the city is lost -
'Though the battle be one, it comes at great cost.
The leaves sigh in passing as they fall to the ground -
The Wise fall in shadow, leaving no sound.
Will they stand by their allies that were long left behind?
Can they stand by in silence - can they truly be blind?
Majesty and sorrow meet in a war -
Their time is over; they are no more.
Mortals will watch as the First start to fade -
A promise is kept, and the price has been paid.
The Valar, the Eldar, and the Greatest of Men
Have shone for their moment and passed out of ken.
The Rings made in secret and the Ring made of gold
Have all long since fallen - their legend is old.
Is it all just a legend, are these lords none but tales?
Can we not walk amongst them over green hills and dales?
'Though all may have passed into myth and fantasy -
Yet these lives shall live on in words and memory.
Reflections at Mirrors
"May you have joy when you look on
The glass of Mirrormere."
But nevermore joy shall I know
For many years from here.
Oh Khazad-Dum, thou cursed thing
That stole our richest gem!
Thou thing of fire, night and death;
Unfit to touch his hem.
In Dwarrowdelf, we looked in awe
At mighty halls of stone.
He rose and sang of Durin's mirror;
The echoes fled, alone.
It is a tomb, Daeron's runes...
He read what the book said.
"Balin, the Lord of Moria,
Doth now lie here, dead.
"We cannot get out, they've taken the bridge
That's in the second hall.
We cannot get out, they are coming..."
How long until we fall?
'Ghash' means fire, what do they mean?
I feel it's getting hot.
He'll stay there to face the shadow,
But you and I cannot.
Oh Khazad-Dum, treacherous bridge;
You lead him to his death.
Oh Balrog fierce, whose whip was doom,
He wasted not his breath!
Mithrandir, the Grey Pilgrim;
Gandalf, the Wanderer.
Swift to anger, but ever kind;
The hidden conjurer.
You bid me have joy when I gazed
Upon fair Mirrormere;
But in the halls of Moria
My joy was stolen, I fear.
Hatanyel orenyallo! Namárië!
Monday, November 13, 2017
Collateral Damage
Collateral damage. Casualties of war. Phrases from movies or books or songs. Ideas that are distant and across the ocean. Nothing that is real and personal.
Right?
So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?
ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....
So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.
throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.
Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.
What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?
It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....
I am tired.
I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....
I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.
I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.
Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.
I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....
I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.
I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.
I will be alright. Of course I will be.
I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.
"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."
Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.
Isn't that a lovely picture.....
Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.
Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.
We desperately need the prayers.
Right?
So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?
ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....
So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.
throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.
Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.
What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?
It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....
I am tired.
I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....
I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.
I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.
Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.
I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....
I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.
I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.
I will be alright. Of course I will be.
I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.
"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."
Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.
Isn't that a lovely picture.....
Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.
Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.
We desperately need the prayers.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
What Heroes Do...
So I got to see Thor: Ragnarok today. Brilliant. I love it. Totally. Wonderful. And maybe I don't hate Thor as much.
And Valkries!!! THEY HAD A VALKRIE!!!!!!! Oh, beyond perfect. Have I mentioned how much I love mythology - THEY HAD A BLOODY VALKRIE!!!!
Okay. Fangirling on that over. Try not to spoil all the best of the movie - EVERYTHING - so I'll move on to the point of this: post.
ah, Cate Blanchett... Actually, I've only seen her in like one other move? Not sure anyone else would possibly know this one..... It's just a sort of old movie - nothing big.
Nope. No similarities. DEFINITELY no more similarities between her two characters.
I mean, they're both epic, powerful queens who use their personal power to build empiric realms, love their capes and headresses, fight like hell.....
Oh. wait. Nevermind, they're a bit similar.
Of course. Maybe there's a reason. Anyone remember a certain speech?
Soooooo....what? Galadriel took the ring and became Hela? Hela loved Lord of the Rings too much?
I loved, Hela, I totally did. Not the least because she will forever be Loki's daughter and I can't wait to see what fanfiction comes out of this but....seriously. That quote is now FOREVER going to ruin Hela.
the age of the elf is ended. the age of the Marvel villain begins.
And Valkries!!! THEY HAD A VALKRIE!!!!!!! Oh, beyond perfect. Have I mentioned how much I love mythology - THEY HAD A BLOODY VALKRIE!!!!
Okay. Fangirling on that over. Try not to spoil all the best of the movie - EVERYTHING - so I'll move on to the point of this: post.
ah, Cate Blanchett... Actually, I've only seen her in like one other move? Not sure anyone else would possibly know this one..... It's just a sort of old movie - nothing big.
Nope. No similarities. DEFINITELY no more similarities between her two characters.
I mean, they're both epic, powerful queens who use their personal power to build empiric realms, love their capes and headresses, fight like hell.....
Oh. wait. Nevermind, they're a bit similar.
Of course. Maybe there's a reason. Anyone remember a certain speech?
"In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful
and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the
foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair!"
Soooooo....what? Galadriel took the ring and became Hela? Hela loved Lord of the Rings too much?
I loved, Hela, I totally did. Not the least because she will forever be Loki's daughter and I can't wait to see what fanfiction comes out of this but....seriously. That quote is now FOREVER going to ruin Hela.
the age of the elf is ended. the age of the Marvel villain begins.
Monday, October 30, 2017
2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day Four
Who is your Favourite Character?
Faramir is definitely my favourite character, no other contestants.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss him.
He's just...Faramir! He is noble and just almost to a fault, a good leader, one who cares for his men and takes his position of authority seriously, he is respectful and obeidient - but he isn't mindless, he's strong - physically, morally, mentally..., he's faithful and has faith...
What I like most about Faramir is his 'quality', as Sam would put it. The part that makes him "a captain that men would follow...even under the shadow of the black wings." The indefinable air about him that seemed to come from the past and permeate his every action - the wisdom he excersied that could not simply be learnt from books or speech.
He was loyal to his family, and to his city - he was not one to compromise on this.
He fought on the front lines of the battle, saw much death and sorrow, lost many of his friends and his men - but somehow he comes out on the other end of the tunnel believing that "This darkness shall not endure."
He is someone who will put his oaths, his friends, his family, his honour above all else.
(As I'm writing this, I keep hearing Balin's words from The Unexpected Journey: "There is one I would follow. There is one I could call King." As much as I disagree with the one they were meant to apply to - they work quite well for Faramir.)
He has patience, and perseverence. He has loyalty, and love - in a way. He's still hopeful, and faithful. He still believes that hope and Hope (AKA Estel) will return - and he is not bitter.
In my opinion, had Boromir somehow not become Steward and had the seat passed to Faramir, Gondor would have had a just and wise ruler - almost to the level of good that Aragorn brings. (Yes, alright - I'm biased. But still. My point stands)
Some of my favourite scenes in the movies and in the books centre on Faramir - although that's not hard to guess.
In the books, my favourite scene is the part in The Two Towers where Frodo and Sam are captured by Faramir's men - I like how he handled the situation. While it ended much the same in the movies (well, alright, I lied: I don't like how the part with Smeágol played out - but that's beside the point. Everything else then - how he judged them.), it wasn't the same. He was more regal, more strong, than in the movies - and more just. Yes, it probably wouldn't have worked as well, given how Frodo is essentially recounting their journey, and it would have been much longer - but still! It works much better.
Another marvellous scene in the book is where Aragorn heals him, and he awakes with the desire to serve his king. "My lord, you called me. I come. What does the king command?" Remember? Loyalty, faith, quality...All there. Pretty much the best scene here - if I could only choose one, this would be it.
Thankfully, I wasn't asked to do that though... *grins*
In the films, off the top of my head, my favourite scene is probably the one where he take Denethor's command to retake Osgiliath. I always. End up. Crying!!!!
*sighs* But 'tis part of the grandeur and wonder of the world Tolkien created...
My other favourite characters are Sam, Aragorn (preferred in the books), Eowyn (preferred in the books), and Elrond.
My reasons for liking them are much the same as Faramir - but he remains my favourite!
Thursday, October 26, 2017
2015 - LOTR Blog Part - Day Three
What is your favourite dwelling?
*blinks* Why, why do we have this nigh impossible feats to perform? How did it come to this?
Ahem, Anyway. Favourite place to live....
Probably Rivendell. Or Hobbiton. (Can we do two? We should be allowed to do two - there's less chance of brain implosions then... *grins*)
Now, to talk about it. Let's start with Rivendell.
Um, it's filled with Elves and books? Really, what else do you need? It has horses somewhere, so it's perfect.
Rivendell is my favourite place in Middle earth. It has Eldar, and that is a major point in its favour. It also happens to have Elrond and Aragorn and Bilbo - but that's irrelevant to this question...
And the library...!!!! Have you seen it??? Somewhere - or it was mentioned. *frowns* Great, now I can't remember - ANYWAY. There has to be a library somewhere - I refuse to believe that there isn't.
And it's so peaceful there - a haven, rightly called. It's so beautiful and peaceful - and when you go there, you feel like nothing bad can ever reach you.
Alright, I don't really know why I like it best, or why I would want to live there - mostly because it's safe.
I know as soon as this is posted, I'll think of a million reasons more why I would wish to live there... *sighs*
And the leader is good. Not aloof as in Loth Loríen, nor ignorant/possessed/brainwashed as in Rohan, nor as corrupted as in Gondor - just good. Tired, exhausted, human - but good.
And, my reasons for Rivendell outweighed those of Hobbiton, so that's decided...
Monday, October 23, 2017
2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day Two
Which is your favourite book and/or movie?
Alright, now that that's dealt with, let's move on...
My favourie book and/or movie...Hmmm. (have I mentioned extrememly hard tasks?!)
Alright: Return of the King.
The book had more scenes from my favourite characters, as well as the appendices with the notes on the languages in the back. In that book, it brought Éowyn to Faramir; and it healed more of the brokenness that was in all of the characters.
The third book was filled with so much marvellous moments. There were the instances of friendships being strengthened between Pippen and Merry, Legolas and Gimli, Frodo and Sam, etcetra. There were also multitude acts of bravery and chivalry and loyalty: Éowyn and Merry fighting the Witch King for Théoden, Aragorn in the House of Healing, Sam fighting to save Frodo, the Eagles, etcetra... Then of course, the renewing of life and love (they go hand in hand for me, so...), with Faramir and Éowyn and how they were both healed and brought together; with Aragorn and Arwen wed after many MANY years; Sam marrying Rosie and his family being started; Gondor and Arnor reunited as one; the White Tree was replanted; the Shire cleaned up; (Saruman killed...); Saroun defeated, etcetra...
And, oh! The sheer amount of wonderfully quoteable lines and moving scenes is astounding!!! The charges, the description of the battle fields, the description of people, the events - I could write a trillion poems inspired by this book and still not run out of inspirations!!!
Yes, alright, I love the book. I cannot even begin to tell you what I like - the amount of quotes and pictures and scenes included here...'Twould be easier to just include the book. Trust me...
Of course, don't get me started on the movie... Wallpapers, poems, quotes - it's just so beautiful and moving and brave and...and.... *speechless*
Words have failed to suit my cause -
So pardon me as I will pause.
*sighs*
But the third book is also the best because it is an end AND a beginning. It is the end of the darkness and despair and the fear prevalent throughout the earlier books; yet is also the bright, hopeful beginning to the Fourth Age. It hold some of the darkest moments, but also the brightest; it is the saddest book, yet also the happiest. It's the book that makes it all worthwhile - that makes the death and the sacrifice somehow worth it. Not entirely, but a little bit.
That being said, Return of the King is definitely my favourite book. (And movie.)
*studiously does NOT thinking of the countless reasons why she likes the others as well* And I shall leave it at that...
Friday, October 20, 2017
2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day One
So several people recently have asked me how I met Bella. There are three distinct points in time: the hairstyle from Doctor Who's "Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS", the Lord of the Rings blog party, and my interest in Catholicism. The first two were in passing, the third was the lasting one that changed my life and hopefully gives her the patience to put up with my mistakes and misunderstandings and general mess..... (Please, please, please?)
I found the hairstyle, but discounted it because my hair wasn't long enough. A few months to a year later, I came back to do the hairstyle on my sister; and I discovered the blog party. Never one to pass up on a chance to talk about LOTR, I asked to take part even though I had no blog.
She has kindly given me permission to repost my tags here, so....voila! My very first blog posts - technically.
Since I am rewatching the series currently, maybe I will do another run through these tags and see what changes.
Monday, October 2, 2017
A New Day
"A Saint is a sinner who keeps Trying."
-- Josemaria Escriva
A new day, a new week, a new chance....
I never understood unworthiness. I never understood the Confiteor. I never understood...any of that. I mean, really? "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee..."? Rather, drmatic, don't you think?
Apparently not. If anything, it isn't strong enough.
How do you keep from doing something if you aren't really even sure what it is exactly that you did? I have an idea, but only because it is following a pattern I have had in the past: I get irritated and frustrated with the wrongs others are commiting around me, and then shortly thereafter I realise that I am doing the EXACT same thing. (So then, of course, I have to stop being irritated with them and focus on correcting myself, but...) Here I am irritated with hypocrisy and self-righteousness and....And here I am with the same attitudes.
But how did it come out? How can I keep it from coming out? How can I get rid of it? If I didn't even know it was there, if I honestly thought that I was in the right and behaving humbly....
yes, yes, I know.... Don't get worked up about it too much, it's not the end of the world (THANK GOD) and I am not the most worthless person in the world and I am still a baby Christian and.....
So on and so forth. I can repeat the anti-depressive points as well as everyone else.
But the truth is still there and I will not excuse myself. I destroyed one friendship, and probably caused problems with several others - I never, ever, ever want to do so again. Once I know where I have a fault, I should be more careful to keep from it!
It is overwhelming and I want to throw in the towel and give up. It would be easier.
Prayer.... It almost scares me. Trusting God scares me - having faith scares me. (Which scares me more because, that which I fear will come upon me? I know, I know: doesn't quite work that way.) I preferred a Christianity that was Natural, that was explainable. I preferred a world without angels or demons or miracles or faith or....anything like that. I prefered a scientific world - a reasonable world. it certainly didn't seem that much to ask.
Sure, I believed every word of the Bible was true, sure I believed that miracles and inexplicable things happened to the very real people therein; but.... But, well, that was then, right? Now.... Now we had cars and cell phones and men didn't wear dresses and women had a vote and a choice and were worth more than a few cows, and the supernatural was only a thing of the past. Demons were burning in hell, and angels worshipped in heaven, and gaurdian angels were a thing people told little babied, and demon possession was just a thing of horror films. That was all. The world was logical, and made sense. I was comfortable and that was fine. I believed in God, in his Son, and I prayed but.... Well, God doesn't answer in an audible voice, and really the only reason for praying was to get saved. Nothing else really mattered - you were on your own.
No. I do NOT like realising that a world where the Saints and angels are able to help me is also a world where...well, where they CAN help me. That is just weird.
What was my point.... Good grief. I lost it....
Ach, I give up.
I wish I could get rid of the sickening feeling inside me. I wish I could feel alright - didn't feel so hopelessly worthless. I wish I could believe this will work out, that I won't turn around and feel it all yanked out from underneath me again. I wish I could stop waiting for the other shoe to fall.
but I can't. Not yet. Not for a while. It's not right yet - I haven't made it right. Nothing bad has happened - I haven't been punished, so it isn't alright.
I know that way of thinking can cause problems, but I can't help it now. It's all I know. And right now I am just.....existing. Caught between waiting for the punishment I deserve and the longing to believe that it will be alright.
Which leads me back to my original point of I have no idea how to keep from making this mistake again.
The Saddest Words....
Ah, writers.... we love our phrases, don't we? Almost cliched some of them, but....how else can we describe things? Perhaps some of us more ameteur humans, us inexperienced children - perhaps we think that we can show it, that any amount of words can replace that phrases that so aptly describes something.....
Do you know what it's like to sob? To feel those gut-wrenching, frame-shaking screams that are too broken to even make noise? Do you know what that's like, do you have any idea? have you experienced it?
I have. Many times. I have felt that storm inside me, so strong I can't make a sound.
yesterday, I experienced what it was like to weept like that through sorrow.
Oh, dear Reader, it is very different from crying in anger. The despair, the loss, that scream that reaches for answers it knows it won't get..... It is so very different. One could get lost in it. One could never escape it. One could say it was like a knife twisted in a chest.
and there's that phrase. Writers, do you understand what that means? Have you felt that sudden ache - that breathlessness as you realise you miscalculated, as you realise that you have made an irreparable error somewhere along the way
It is most definitely a knife.
And friends? There is no other phrase that can quite describe it.
And I am assuredly not happy.
Oh merciful Lord who offers a way of repentence! Who is kind enough to guard his children from doing wrong! Forgive me my sins. teach me your ways, keep me in your love.
I....don't know if I will add more to this. I don't know which blog this belongs on. But....
Oh, his goodness in keeping me from going too far - his mercifulness in giving me a chance.
let my pride be broken, let me anger be cooled. let me show God in me.
Do you know what it's like to sob? To feel those gut-wrenching, frame-shaking screams that are too broken to even make noise? Do you know what that's like, do you have any idea? have you experienced it?
I have. Many times. I have felt that storm inside me, so strong I can't make a sound.
yesterday, I experienced what it was like to weept like that through sorrow.
Oh, dear Reader, it is very different from crying in anger. The despair, the loss, that scream that reaches for answers it knows it won't get..... It is so very different. One could get lost in it. One could never escape it. One could say it was like a knife twisted in a chest.
and there's that phrase. Writers, do you understand what that means? Have you felt that sudden ache - that breathlessness as you realise you miscalculated, as you realise that you have made an irreparable error somewhere along the way
It is most definitely a knife.
And friends? There is no other phrase that can quite describe it.
"Happy is the man whose mouth brings him no grief,
who is not stung by remorse for sin.
Happy is the man whose conscience does not reproach him,
who has not lost hope."
-- Sirach 14:1-2
who is not stung by remorse for sin.
Happy is the man whose conscience does not reproach him,
who has not lost hope."
-- Sirach 14:1-2
And I am assuredly not happy.
Oh merciful Lord who offers a way of repentence! Who is kind enough to guard his children from doing wrong! Forgive me my sins. teach me your ways, keep me in your love.
I....don't know if I will add more to this. I don't know which blog this belongs on. But....
Oh, his goodness in keeping me from going too far - his mercifulness in giving me a chance.
let my pride be broken, let me anger be cooled. let me show God in me.
If I sing but don't have love,
I waste my breath with every song
I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise...
If I speak with a silver tongue,
Convince a crowd but don't have love,
I leave a bitter taste with every word I say.
If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love, then who is poor?
It seems all the poverty is found in me.
Words are my weapons. I learnt that ages ago with my brother. What I forget is that the knives I handle so casually, others are not so used to being cut by. Some people are still soft - some people are still alive. I forget, and in that I sin. I sin and I can only ask for forgiveness. I cannot apologise enough - I can never apologise enough.
I pray I never do. I pray that that anguish - that knife - I pray it is a thorn in my side, ever to remind me of my mistakes.
I pray to be a saint. That is my prayer. I pray that the Blessed Mother will pray for me and guide me as she did her Son.
....suddenly I wonder what exactly it is that I am praying for. I thank them! But I fear.
Oh my friends, my readers....guard your tongue. Guard your friends. Know what matters to you and hold that close. Never be too proud. Never scorn warnings from your friends. Never ignore chastisement from the Lord.
if you do, it will go worse and you will be broken without rememdy; to quote my father's favourite verse.
Thank you Lord. Thank you for your mercy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)