The Greatest Show

....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.



Oh, boy.

My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.

That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.

The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.

And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.

Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!

Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.

Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.

Literally.

It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!

"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."

No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.

And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!

No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.

You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!

But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.

You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."

Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...

I get off work! I get my weekend.

We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.

Which reminds me of  a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.

I want to do something for Christmas.

Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.

Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.

I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.


So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.

Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....

Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.

So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.

You just have to remember that on the bad days.

Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.

On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.

I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....

But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.

I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.

But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.

And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....

I don't know what to do.


Merry Christmas!

So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.

Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.

I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....

I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.

It was awful, and I want to fix it now.

I haven't a clue as to how.

So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.