The Greatest Show

....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.



Oh, boy.

My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.

That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.

The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.

And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.

Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!

Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.

Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.

Literally.

It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!

"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."

No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.

And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!

No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.

You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!

But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.

You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."

Just Regain Your Sensitivity!

I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!

But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....

Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.

But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.

My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.

After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.

I don't know  how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.

My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.

And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.

I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.

The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?

I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.

Or at least in all of the cases I know.

How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....

It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.

and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?

How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?