A place to talk about series, books, Vintage, hairstyles, life, profiling, Shakespeare, acting, dreams, prose, poetry.... Whatever should come to mind. Sadly, this blog is extremely unlikely to feature any enthralling cases. Indeed any above a negative five or something...
"...I hate repitition, I really do. It's like asking a painter to paint the same picture every day of his life." -- Peter Cushing
"Don't be too brave. Bravery is a fine thing on some occasions, but sometimes it can be quite a dangerous thing. The stiff upper lip is not always the best." -- Jeremy Brett
"We don't always get the kind of work we want, but we always have the choice of whether to do it with a good grace or not." -- Christopher Lee
"Don't be too brave. Bravery is a fine thing on some occasions, but sometimes it can be quite a dangerous thing. The stiff upper lip is not always the best." -- Jeremy Brett
"We don't always get the kind of work we want, but we always have the choice of whether to do it with a good grace or not." -- Christopher Lee
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, January 12, 2018
I'm OK
So obviously I'm in a great mood.
And you know what, I'm just going to have a pity party here because I really hate it. When I post the next picture, the really whiny pity party will be over - feel free to skip. Actually, please skip. I am venting and you don't need to be burdened with this. Thanks. Bye.
What is wrong with me? What is so bad about me that no one comes close? I mean, I know I'm loud, I know I'm irritating, I'm depressed, I'm.... Everything about me. I just want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me and really want me. For my body, for my mind, for my humour - I don't really care what.
I guess I want to be popular. Just for once, I don't want everyone to give me that look that is just 'you're weird and just wrong and we'll just back away slowly since you are just wrong'. I hate that look, that feeling. I hate being passed off, sneered at. I hate being unable to relate. I hate me.
What is so wrong about me? Why can't I be wanted? why can't I have friends? Why can't I do any good? Why is my voice so painful - why does my singing irritate everyone? Why do I have to be so abrasive?
What is so wrong with me? Why can't I be liked? Why can't I be wanted?
I just want to be good, and liked, and wanted. I just want someone to want me, to care about me. I want someone to put me first.
Not likely to happen is it.....
So my pity party is over but now I am out of things to say.....
So I've been catching up with Doctor Who again - probably won't watch the next series of course but! For now I am thoroughly enjoying the Twelfth.
And by the way? WHAT IS IT WITH COMPANIONS BEING CONVERTED TO HORRIBLE THINGS AND BEING UNAWARE OF IT WHY ARE WE TORTURED THIS WAY???
Spoiler alert, I suppose.
And. Oh. My. Word.
The Christmas special was awesome!!!!!! So very - oh it was awesome. SPOILER ALERT!!!! SKIP TO THE NEXT GIF TO AVOID!!!
One and Twelve and Lethbridge-Stewart and a happy ending and did I mention One was there???? Oh it was.....I was in love. He does such a good job bringing One back to life - I love it. And after the last Regeneration episode I watched, this was a definite treat - it actually had any sort of plot!!!! *Groans* Matt's regeneration episode was horrific.
So this was at least really good. I wants it now - I wants it, my precious!
....unfortunately, that means I'm all caught up on Doctor Who again and I only have the girl left and I cannot express my nausea with that casting decision. She was great as Lethbridge-Stewart's granddaughter - why are we ruining her?????
And I finally finished my newest outfit!!!!! Black and white checked material in a circle skirt and a bolero jacket, and I even made a rose choker to go with it. I edged the jacket in black lace, and I want to do the same for the skirt now, even though that would be a ton of lace. But it would look so much better than now. I didn't have the patience to properly hem it so I did it with machine and oh, how i hate how that looks...... But circle skirts have so much yardage at the hem, and this has almost twice as much on accident......
But I might just drop the money so it can be properly finished. I'll post a picture of whatever I do the next time I wear it. Or, well, the first time I wear it, I guess.
And I just love pinning yards of lace on things, I really do. I mean, when people ask me, "Wow. How did you make such an awesome dress without a pattern?" I can reply, "Blood, sweat, and tears - no, really, that's how i made it. Tons of blood from when I stabbed needles into my fingers, tears from after, and sweat as I tried to keep the bloody lace in place as I sewed. Seriously - why does Snow White's mother get so worked up? It's basically impossible to keep blood out of sewing projects!"
Nope, I'm not overdramatic at all.....
I had always thought this was from a sad film....
Anyway! Have fun with life, I'm going to go endeavour to make it through another day.
Auf weidersehn!
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The Greatest Show
....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.
Oh, boy.
My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.
That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.
The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.
And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.
Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!
Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.
Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.
Literally.
It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!
No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.
And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!
No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.
You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.
Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!
But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.
You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.
Oh, boy.
My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.
That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.
The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.
And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.
Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!
Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.
Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.
Literally.
It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!
"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."
No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.
And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!
No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.
You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.
Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!
But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.
You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.
"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...
I get off work! I get my weekend.
We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.
Which reminds me of a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.
I want to do something for Christmas.
Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.
Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.
I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.
So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.
Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....
Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.
So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.
You just have to remember that on the bad days.
Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.
On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.
I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....
But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.
I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.
But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.
And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....
I don't know what to do.
Merry Christmas!
So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.
Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.
I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....
I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.
It was awful, and I want to fix it now.
I haven't a clue as to how.
So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.
We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.
Which reminds me of a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.
I want to do something for Christmas.
Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.
Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.
I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.
So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.
Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....
Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.
So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.
You just have to remember that on the bad days.
Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.
On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.
I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....
But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.
I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.
But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.
And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....
I don't know what to do.
Merry Christmas!
So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.
Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.
I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....
I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.
It was awful, and I want to fix it now.
I haven't a clue as to how.
So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Premonitions
So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.
Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.
Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.
Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.
I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.
And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.
Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.
Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?
Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.
Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....
I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.
I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.
Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.
Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.
Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.
Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.
I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.
And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.
Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.
Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?
Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.
"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.
Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....
I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.
What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?
I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.
Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
This Is Getting to be a Habit...
Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?
Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*
I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....
I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."
yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....
I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.
So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?
Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?
This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.
It's all so pointless.
Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.
You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?
I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.
Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.
Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?
I just want to live. I just....I want to live.
Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*
I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....
I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."
yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....
I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.
So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?
Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?
This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.
It's all so pointless.
Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.
You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?
I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.
Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.
Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?
I just want to live. I just....I want to live.
EDIT
I found this song.....
Monday, December 11, 2017
Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....
I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why. I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.
And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.
What can I do?
My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?
Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....
I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.
I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...
Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.
i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....
I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....
I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....
i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.
And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.
What can I do?
My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?
Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....
I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.
I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...
Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.
i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....
I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....
I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....
i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Just Regain Your Sensitivity!
I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!
But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....
Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.
But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.
My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.
After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.
I don't know how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.
My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.
And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.
I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.
The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?
I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.
Or at least in all of the cases I know.
How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....
It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.
and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?
How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?
But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....
Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.
But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.
My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.
After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.
I don't know how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.
My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.
And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.
I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.
The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?
I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.
Or at least in all of the cases I know.
How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....
It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.
and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?
How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?
Friday, November 24, 2017
And the Adulting Fun Continues....
Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!
Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.
So! Moving on.
Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.
Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.
I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.
I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?
Right. Therapist's orders.
I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.
And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.
Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.
And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!
I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.
But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.
This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.
It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.
I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.
I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.
And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.
But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.
Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground
Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.
So! Moving on.
Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.
Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.
I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.
I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?
Right. Therapist's orders.
I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.
And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.
Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.
And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!
I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.
But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.
This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.
It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.
I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.
I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.
And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.
But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.
Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.
Stand My Ground
I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?
Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind
I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye
It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world
I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?
Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here
All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground
Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground
Monday, November 13, 2017
Collateral Damage
Collateral damage. Casualties of war. Phrases from movies or books or songs. Ideas that are distant and across the ocean. Nothing that is real and personal.
Right?
So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?
ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....
So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.
throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.
Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.
What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?
It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....
I am tired.
I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....
I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.
I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.
Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.
I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....
I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.
I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.
I will be alright. Of course I will be.
I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.
"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."
Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.
Isn't that a lovely picture.....
Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.
Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.
We desperately need the prayers.
Right?
So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?
ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....
So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.
throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.
Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.
What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?
It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....
I am tired.
I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....
I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.
I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.
Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.
I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....
I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.
I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.
I will be alright. Of course I will be.
I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.
"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."
Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.
Isn't that a lovely picture.....
Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.
Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.
We desperately need the prayers.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
We're All Mad Here
This was part of an old picture series I made several years ago. But I thought it incredibly fitted to the next Marvel film due. That, and they actually looked halfway well done......
The quotes don't quite make sense, but it was based off a music video using the song 'This is War' by Tatyana Oracle on youtube that I liked.
I also find amusing that most of these are of Steve......
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| Made by Angelique |
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| Made by Angelique |
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| Made by Angelique. |
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| Made by Angelique |
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| Made by Angelique |
I also find amusing that most of these are of Steve......
I solemnly swear I am up to no good -
What choices I make are not what I should.
But I will do them because I can:
Sometimes the stronger is the one that ran.
I soullessly swear I am up to no good -
What I did 'til the end no one thought I could.
But this I have chosen; for this I will fight -
For in the end? Only this could be right.
It's quite annoying, really.
One sits down to an episode or a film, and one enjoys it - and there is one actor that just does not look right, Well, he - or she - looks right, but too familiar! And yet not nearly enough to be recognised - just a niggling feeling....
It helps if it were a major film or production - but when they were only in one episode, or if I didn't even see them at all but only saw them mentioned tangentially in another post on something.... It gets confusing and annoying.
Something that irks me immensely: that I can't be feminine.
Well, obviously, I can - and yet, I can't without judgement.
I'm the sort of person that loves to wear stockings and heels, and hats, and gloves, and girdles, and corsets, and waistcoats, and skirts, and gowns.... And I'd wear them every single day if I could. I like a touch of makeup, and I love red lipstick, and I adore shapely nails. Such as the ones above - what started this rant.
And yet, perhaps I just don't meet the right people ever, but I've always been judged for it. Or gotten that strong impression. "Why are you wearing a hat? Are you going to a funeral?" 'Why are you wearing gloves? Are you sick?' 'Why are you wearing a skirt? Don't you have any work to do?' 'Why are you wearing heels? Are you trying to get some boy's attention?' 'Why are you wearing red lipstick? Do you want to be a lady of the night?' 'Why are your nails long? why are they painted? Do you do any work or are you just some prissy girl that thinks she's better than everyone?'
'You like dresses - you never do any work.' 'You like makeup - obviously, you're just throwing yourself at men.' 'You like books - you can't tell what's reality. No wonder you're so messed up - you're a drama queen.' 'You let boys hold doors open for you - obviously you want them to turn us all into their servants again.'
What's so wrong with you in this modern time? Corsets are instruments of torture made to imprison women - don't you know that? Are you just so lazy you don't want to excersise? You know, if you really wanted to fix yourself, you could. You're just too lazy to try. You're backwards, and ignorant, and stupid - and why do you give yourself airs? Pretend you're better? Look down on us other modern women?
So, it probably is all in my head. One of the best times of my life was when I found out that there were other people that wore and lived vintage fashion and lives. That I wasn't the only person. That I wasn't fighting against something no one else did.
so yes. Please. Tell me I shouldn't do this. that I'm backward - ignorant. I'm sick of it. This is something I actually enjoy. Even a little bit.
I really don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't think I'm pretty, or entitled, or....anything. It makes me feel pretty - makes me a part of something that I can actually fit in with. Barely - but I can try.
It's rather like I'm self destructing.
I don't want to hope or dream, but if I don't I'm breaking myself apart. I want it all to stop, but I want to survive, I want to escape, to spare everyone else - but I don't want to hurt them any more. I don't want to fail, but if I don't try I'll fail anyway.
And yet, I can't try. Half of me wants to curl up beneath the duvet as tightly as I can, to cover my ears and listen to my heartbeat and pretend that there's nothing outside. Half of me wants to ignore life and work and food and family and friends and school and whatever else seeks to call me out.Half of me just doesn't care what happens anymore.
The other half of me? Fears failing. Fears being mocked, being looked down on, being pitied, being condescended to, being hurt.... It fears hurting others - failing others....
and the two sides fight. I want to give up, but I have to fight. I don't care if I win, but if I lose I'll break. I don't know how to fight, yet part of me screams that I must.
And yet, I don't really feel anything. Not often. A flash of anger occasionally - but it's here then gone. It's just....Surrender. There's no point.
"For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come must give up pause."
I can sit down and tell anyone that they matter, that they're priceless. That life isn't so bad. But I can't sit myself down. And how many others have I failed then? If I can't convince myself of that, how do I convince another....
But there's....a buffer. Between me and any feelings. I will regret this in the years to come - maybe, if I ever get well - but now? I can't care. I hid my scars so they're easy to repeat and shield - I moderate my speech to hide what I'm thinking, I try to do school and work - but grades? They don't matter.
Nothing matters.
Everything matters - and I can't do anything about it.
Feeling sick, as if a weight is pressing down on my, on my stomach.
Nothing hurts enough. I want to hurt someone. I want to hurt them until I hurt - and I can't bring myself to do that. I hurt myself then, hold myself back.
Better never to hope than to hurt. And yet, that's not true. At least if I tried then I'd KNOW I couldn't have suceeded, rather than be haunted by the 'what ifs'.
How does one tell what's real and what's not? how does one tell if the fear and the hate and the nothingness is earned or not? How does one tell if anything is half as bad as one thinks?
I certainly can't. I never could.
But if I just tried harder. If I just worked more. If I was just more obedient. If I followed God's will. If I kept hope. If I wasn't so cynical. If I was more helpful and supportive. If I wasn't such a liar. If I wasn't so messed up.
If. If. If. If. If.
Stevenson wrote a poem titled If once....
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, or watch the things you gave your life to broken, and never breathe a word about your loss, if neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them 'hold on'.
That's a bunch of separated lines of course - but it does sum it up. if. If I were better, stronger, more in control of myself.
AND I KNOW I CAN'T DO IT!!! I've tried and haven't tried - but I don't know how to give up either.
But, dear Reader - do you know what the worst part of this is?
I'm not an idiot. Certainly, I'm not so good at interacting with the modern world, and I can be incredibly flighty and scatter brained, and I can't remember anything - but I'm not a total idiot.
When I watch films or series, it has to be complicated. If it doesn't have enough in it to occupy my mind, I go crazy and get incredibly bored and start nitpicking and tearing apart the production. I do the same in life too - just not audibly.
I look at the world from history, and from observances. When I do the same thing, I notice it in others.
She has deeper scars that I, and I can see them. And she's hiding more. And I'm terrified that one of these days I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to find her on the ground. I'm afraid she's either going to make a mistake and cut too deep, or that she'll do it on purpose. and I'm going to be too late to do anything.
I know myself. And I can see myself in others.
And that scares me to death.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
I'm sure that at some point I will change the background again. I'm also well aware that it's dark. Thus why I will likely change it at some point. But for now? It does an excellent job and I like it so - in the absence of my ability to make a proper film noir background at this moment - this will suffice quite well.
Dear Reader,
I will speak specifically to you. Why? I've really no idea..... Just as I've no idea why I'm doing this now! Or at least not one I may articulate.
A lot of life is that way - things I don't understand, can't explain, don't feel, don't have.... Many things I know - but knowing does not automatically equate understanding. Likewise for doing.
Yes, I'm rambling. I doubt there's another Reader here - so you have my full and undivided attention! More or less so..... I'm not known for making sense save when expounding at length on something dear to me.
You told me to rant......
And as long as we're on the subject of Shakespeare yet, let's move on to my other adored play: that of the Danish Prince. That of the prince that mourns his father and despises his uncle, and takes vengeance for his father on his uncle when bid so by his father's ghost. He pretends to be mad, cuts capers throughout the play until he convicts his mother and accidentally kills Ophelia's father. (Spoilers for the ancient story....)
"What is the matter?"
"Between who?"
"Will you walk out of the air?"
"Into my grave."
Such fun to read, honestly - but was he truly faking it? Or, perchance, did he really go mad? And then I adapted his Soliloquy for a book, studying it. 'Perchance to dream', indeed......
Dear Reader,
I will speak specifically to you. Why? I've really no idea..... Just as I've no idea why I'm doing this now! Or at least not one I may articulate.
A lot of life is that way - things I don't understand, can't explain, don't feel, don't have.... Many things I know - but knowing does not automatically equate understanding. Likewise for doing.
Yes, I'm rambling. I doubt there's another Reader here - so you have my full and undivided attention! More or less so..... I'm not known for making sense save when expounding at length on something dear to me.
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| Made by Angelique |
What rare and precious gift is this I see?
Such purity and innocence can't be
More than just a cunning mask - arrayed
That none can see within the soul depraved.
Mark how with shock and pain at the hard fall
Can cunning sin cover itself withal -
Mark how just like an untouched maid she stands.
Mark how she holds out trembling, pleading hands.
I would believe save for what I did see -
Would I could take her hands in purity...
So take her back this rotten orange you give!
To flee and die is better than chain live.
I will not look on her again - begone!
To close my eyes upon her sin is wrong.
None other took her light from her, she lay
It down right willingly: it's gone away.
No rare and precious gift here do I see:
Such worth and value no more than fantasy...
None can bismirch a perfect, guarded name -
But she that scorns allows to do the same.
The walls were built for her protection and
For her comfort and freedom in her land.
Such seeming beauty and innocence must fail;
Such masks before such evidence must fail.
Answer now the charges laid again' -
Only the one can blot oneself in sin.
Wherefore doth one breathe in again at last?
Is such dishonour wiped away so fast?
So then fall back! I charge thee: do not live.
Better you took the pardon Death can give
Rather than stay despised in all men's eyes:
Virtue alone can kill all evil's lies.
On the subject of Shakespeare..... It is rather amusing how that - hen I was looking up the fourth act to refresh my memory on Claudio's and Leonato's words - I know so much more of the words than I suppose...... I think I've read that scene only a hundred times. And seen it half as much. There's something about it - a tragedy in the midst of a comedy, a moment out of the light-hearted banter that dominates the majority of the rest of the play. Of course, there's the underlying thread that leads up to this moment - but on the whole, hardly noticeable.
And the odd thing is, that scene is one that I should by all rights hate. I certainly do in other stories. Not so much the 'accusations from the evil toward the innocent' but that specific accusation. It is....too familiar. And Leonato doesn't believe her either! He tells her to die - 'Hence from her! Let her die.' - and at least for him it is as much to spare HER shame as it is to spare himself. Save that he feels none of it for himself, really, but for her.
So that I still have an abiding love for that scene and what comes of it surprises me immensely.
That, and the sherriff....... Nevermind Fillion is stuck in my head as him - but here! Pause yet a moment....
Marry, sir, they have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,
they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they have
belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust
things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.
moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,
they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they have
belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust
things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.
....yes. That all boils down to the same thing. Yes. the numbers are completely off. But what else can you expect from people that - should they find a thief robbing a house - would pass by and thank God that they were not so. AND THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE POLICE BASICALLY!!!!!
And let's not miss Don Pedro's answer:
First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I
ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why
they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay
to their charge.
ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why
they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay
to their charge.
In the words of Claudio: by my troth, there's one meaning well suited.
You told me to rant......
And as long as we're on the subject of Shakespeare yet, let's move on to my other adored play: that of the Danish Prince. That of the prince that mourns his father and despises his uncle, and takes vengeance for his father on his uncle when bid so by his father's ghost. He pretends to be mad, cuts capers throughout the play until he convicts his mother and accidentally kills Ophelia's father. (Spoilers for the ancient story....)
"What is the matter?"
"Between who?"
"Will you walk out of the air?"
"Into my grave."
Such fun to read, honestly - but was he truly faking it? Or, perchance, did he really go mad? And then I adapted his Soliloquy for a book, studying it. 'Perchance to dream', indeed......
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
It's not about dreaming. It's about death. It's about someone being so tired and questioning everything. In the silence, when all is gone.... Putting on a show for everyone else, working for everyone else, and then when the lights turn away and the crowds are gone.... "Be all my sins remembered." "The evil men do live after them, the good is oft' interred with their bones."
When looking at it in that light, it certainly gives a new tack to 'Cheer Up Hamlet'. Because isn't that just what everyone says? "Cheer up. Buck up. Chin up. Stop sulking. Stop pitying yourself. Get ahold of yourself. So your life is terrible - it could be worse, that's no excuse. There are others you need to think about."
There is Ophelia, and there is Horatio. There are the friends we are well aware watch and follow us - those that try to shelter and help us, to hold us back from the worse actions. But life killed Hamlet, and madness killed Ophelia, and guilt killed Claudius, and collateral killed Gertrude, and sorrow bid Horatio live.
And they are all for one and one for all - different shards of the same thing.....
.........and that got morbid even by my standards and didn't say half of what I meant.....
And, seriously?? wherefore doth all of the best lines of Shakespeare go to the men?????? Because I would LOVE to play Shakespeare - it is amazing. Extremely morbid, sure - but amazing. So....challenging and fun and MEMORISING!!!!!! *grins* "For within that hollow crown keeps Death his court - and there the antic rests."
And now I really want to watch Hamlet again - I'd forgotten how much I love that thing..... How much I love Shakespeare in general - but I can't find Hollow Crown at the moment....
Although.....That is still an idea. What if someone ran a Shakespeare troupe and left the plays as they were, but just changed most of the parts around? Change the names as need be, and obviously not all parts would change.... But still.
But Shakespeare wrote it out that way (in a time where women did not act) and Shakespeare is the honourable Bard..... And that idea in us doth seem ambitious....
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