Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...

I get off work! I get my weekend.

We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.

Which reminds me of  a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.

I want to do something for Christmas.

Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.

Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.

I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.


So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.

Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....

Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.

So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.

You just have to remember that on the bad days.

Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.

On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.

I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....

But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.

I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.

But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.

And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....

I don't know what to do.


Merry Christmas!

So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.

Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.

I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....

I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.

It was awful, and I want to fix it now.

I haven't a clue as to how.

So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.

Premonitions

So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.

Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.

Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.

Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.

I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.

And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.

Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.

Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?

Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.

"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.

Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....

I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.

What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?

I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.

Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.

This Is Getting to be a Habit...

Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?

Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*

I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....

I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."

yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....

I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.

So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?

Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?

This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.

It's all so pointless.

Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.

You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?

I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.

Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.

Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?

I just want to live. I just....I want to live.

EDIT

I found this song.....

Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....

I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why.  I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.

And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.

What can I do?

My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?

Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....

I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.

I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...

Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.

i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....

I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....

I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....

i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.