Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...

I get off work! I get my weekend.

We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.

Which reminds me of  a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.

I want to do something for Christmas.

Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.

Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.

I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.


So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.

Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....

Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.

So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.

You just have to remember that on the bad days.

Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.

On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.

I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....

But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.

I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.

But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.

And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....

I don't know what to do.


Merry Christmas!

So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.

Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.

I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....

I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.

It was awful, and I want to fix it now.

I haven't a clue as to how.

So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.

Premonitions

So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.

Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.

Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.

Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.

I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.

And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.

Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.

Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?

Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.

"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.

Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....

I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.

What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?

I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.

Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.

This Is Getting to be a Habit...

Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?

Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*

I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....

I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."

yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....

I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.

So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?

Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?

This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.

It's all so pointless.

Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.

You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?

I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.

Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.

Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?

I just want to live. I just....I want to live.

EDIT

I found this song.....

Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....

I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why.  I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.

And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.

What can I do?

My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?

Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....

I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.

I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...

Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.

i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....

I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....

I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....

i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.

Just Regain Your Sensitivity!

I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!

But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....

Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.

But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.

My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.

After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.

I don't know  how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.

My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.

And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.

I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.

The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?

I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.

Or at least in all of the cases I know.

How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....

It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.

and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?

How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?

And the Adulting Fun Continues....

Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!

Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.

So! Moving on.

Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.

Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.

I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.

I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?

Right. Therapist's orders.

I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.

And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.

Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.

And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!

I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.

But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.

This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.

It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.

I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.

I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.

And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.

But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.

Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.

Stand My Ground

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye

It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world

I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground

2015 - Lord of the Rings Blog Party - Day Five

This is the last of the Blog Party repostings from 2015. Now all of my posts are on this blog - thank you so much for your patience!

Free Day

Endorenna Utulien


The Valar, the Eldar, the Children of Men
Look back on a tale that's lost to all ken.
Their's is the lot to both learn and forget -
The wise men and jesters caught in the same net,
In a world, in a place that seems so much the same -
Similarities live only in name,
For some things as others often do appear:
The reason and stories lost to all who hear.


Riding in shadow, the Men of the West
Strive to protect life without thought of rest.
They are shunned by the ones for which they risk their lives -
Looking in on a world which unders their shield thrives.
From out of these shadows, a hope shall appear -
The healer, renewer, who banishes fear;
With a touch of his hands and the strength of his soul,
The King shall renew the life of his role.


Mounted on horses, on the wings of the wind,
The Rohirrim fight to redeem those who have sinned;
To strangle the poison that's filling their halls
To ride out en force to answer ancient calls.
Rustic and simple, with a strength that defies
The entangling darkness of Saruman's lies -
Simple in beauty, riding in with the dawn;
With a cloak made of starlight, the witch-slayer is gone.


Surrounded in comfort, ignorant of the night;
Of the fear that surrounds them - untouched by the fight
Waging outside their gardens, encroaching on their land;
Borne in amongst them by an unchanging hand.
The children of joy, dancing through spring;
Heedless of sorrow - of all evil things.
Yet winter shall come with destructive roar,
And the Shire that existed shall be seen no more.


Severe, wrapped in silver, and carved out of stone -
The city faces Mordor; it stands alone.
It waits for the Light to return to it's walls,
And weeps for the murder planned in its halls -
Brother against brother, and friend against friend:
The pull of the Stone will be everyone's end.
The fires are come and the city is lost -
'Though the battle be one, it comes at great cost.


The leaves sigh in passing as they fall to the ground -
The Wise fall in shadow, leaving no sound.
Will they stand by their allies that were long left behind?
Can they stand by in silence - can they truly be blind?
Majesty and sorrow meet in a war -
Their time is over; they are no more.
Mortals will watch as the First start to fade -
A promise is kept, and the price has been paid.


The Valar, the Eldar, and the Greatest of Men
Have shone for their moment and passed out of ken.
The Rings made in secret and the Ring made of gold
Have all long since fallen - their legend is old.
Is it all just a legend, are these lords none but tales?
Can we not walk amongst them over green hills and dales?
'Though all may have passed into myth and fantasy -
Yet these lives shall live on in words and memory.




Reflections at Mirrors


"May you have joy when you look on
The glass of Mirrormere."
But nevermore joy shall I know
For many years from here.


Oh Khazad-Dum, thou cursed thing
That stole our richest gem!
Thou thing of fire, night and death;
Unfit to touch his hem.


In Dwarrowdelf, we looked in awe
At mighty halls of stone.
He rose and sang of Durin's mirror;
The echoes fled, alone.


It is a tomb, Daeron's runes...
He read what the book said.
"Balin, the Lord of Moria,
Doth now lie here, dead.


"We cannot get out, they've taken the bridge
That's in the second hall.
We cannot get out, they are coming..."
How long until we fall?


'Ghash' means fire, what do they mean?
I feel it's getting hot.
He'll stay there to face the shadow,
But you and I cannot.


Oh Khazad-Dum, treacherous bridge;
You lead him to his death.
Oh Balrog fierce, whose whip was doom,
He wasted not his breath!


Mithrandir, the Grey Pilgrim;
Gandalf, the Wanderer.
Swift to anger, but ever kind;
The hidden conjurer.


You bid me have joy when I gazed
Upon fair Mirrormere;
But in the halls of Moria
My joy was stolen, I fear.

Hatanyel orenyallo! Namárië!

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. Casualties of war. Phrases from movies or books or songs. Ideas that are distant and across the ocean. Nothing that is real and personal.

Right?

So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?

ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....

So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.

throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.

Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.

What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?

It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....

I am tired.

I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....

I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.

I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.

Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.

I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....

I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.

I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.

I will be alright. Of course I will be.

I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.

"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."

Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.

Isn't that a lovely picture.....

Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.

Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.

We desperately need the prayers.

What Heroes Do...

So I got to see Thor: Ragnarok today. Brilliant. I love it. Totally. Wonderful. And maybe I don't hate Thor as much.

And Valkries!!! THEY HAD A VALKRIE!!!!!!! Oh, beyond perfect. Have I mentioned how much I love mythology - THEY HAD A BLOODY VALKRIE!!!!

Okay. Fangirling on that over. Try not to spoil all the best of the movie - EVERYTHING - so I'll move on to the point of this: post.

ah, Cate Blanchett... Actually, I've only seen her in like one other move? Not sure anyone else would possibly know this one..... It's just a sort of old movie - nothing big.

Nope. No similarities. DEFINITELY no more similarities between her two characters.

I mean, they're both epic, powerful queens who use their personal power to build empiric realms, love their capes and headresses, fight like hell.....

Oh. wait. Nevermind, they're a bit similar.

Of course. Maybe there's a reason. Anyone remember a certain speech?

"In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair!"

 Soooooo....what? Galadriel took the ring and became Hela? Hela loved Lord of the Rings too much?

 I loved, Hela, I totally did. Not the least because she will forever be Loki's daughter and I can't wait to see what fanfiction comes out of this but....seriously. That quote is now FOREVER going to ruin Hela.

 the age of the elf is ended. the age of the Marvel villain begins.

2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day Four

Who is your Favourite Character?

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE WAITED TO DO THIS?!?!?!?!?! *grins and dances around the room in glee* Finally!! It has come. Of course, now my endless rants will probably all drop out of my mind now that it's finally here - but let's hope not.

Faramir is definitely my favourite character, no other contestants.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss him.

He's just...Faramir! He is noble and just almost to a fault, a good leader, one who cares for his men and takes his position of authority seriously, he is respectful and obeidient - but he isn't mindless, he's strong - physically, morally, mentally..., he's faithful and has faith...

What I like most about Faramir is his 'quality', as Sam would put it. The part that makes him "a captain that men would follow...even under the shadow of the black wings." The indefinable air about him that seemed to come from the past and permeate his every action - the wisdom he excersied that could not simply be learnt from books or speech.

He was loyal to his family, and to his city - he was not one to compromise on this.

He fought on the front lines of the battle, saw much death and sorrow, lost many of his friends and his men - but somehow he comes out on the other end of the tunnel believing that "This darkness shall not endure."

He is someone who will put his oaths, his friends, his family, his honour above all else.

(As I'm writing this, I keep hearing Balin's words from The Unexpected Journey: "There is one I would follow. There is one I could call King." As much as I disagree with the one they were meant to apply to - they work quite well for Faramir.)

He has patience, and perseverence. He has loyalty, and love - in a way. He's still hopeful, and faithful. He still believes that hope and Hope (AKA Estel) will return - and he is not bitter.

In my opinion, had Boromir somehow not become Steward and had the seat passed to Faramir, Gondor would have had a just and wise ruler - almost to the level of good that Aragorn brings. (Yes, alright - I'm biased. But still. My point stands)

Some of my favourite scenes in the movies and in the books centre on Faramir - although that's not hard to guess.

In the books, my favourite scene is the part in The Two Towers where Frodo and Sam are captured by Faramir's men - I like how he handled the situation. While it ended much the same in the movies (well, alright, I lied: I don't like how the part with Smeágol played out - but that's beside the point. Everything else then - how he judged them.), it wasn't the same. He was more regal, more strong, than in the movies - and more just. Yes, it probably wouldn't have worked as well, given how Frodo is essentially recounting their journey, and it would have been much longer - but still! It works much better.

Another marvellous scene in the book is where Aragorn heals him, and he awakes with the desire to serve his king. "My lord, you called me. I come. What does the king command?" Remember? Loyalty, faith, quality...All there. Pretty much the best scene here - if I could only choose one, this would be it.

Thankfully, I wasn't asked to do that though... *grins*

In the films, off the top of my head, my favourite scene is probably the one where he take Denethor's command to retake Osgiliath. I always. End up. Crying!!!!

*sighs* But 'tis part of the grandeur and wonder of the world Tolkien created...

My other favourite characters are Sam, Aragorn (preferred in the books), Eowyn (preferred in the books), and Elrond.

My reasons for liking them are much the same as Faramir - but he remains my favourite!

2015 - LOTR Blog Part - Day Three

What is your favourite dwelling?

*blinks* Why, why do we have this nigh impossible feats to perform? How did it come to this?

Ahem, Anyway. Favourite place to live....

Probably Rivendell. Or Hobbiton. (Can we do two? We should be allowed to do two - there's less chance of brain implosions then... *grins*)

Now, to talk about it. Let's start with Rivendell.

Um, it's filled with Elves and books? Really, what else do you need? It has horses somewhere, so it's perfect.

Rivendell is my favourite place in Middle earth. It has Eldar, and that is a major point in its favour. It also happens to have Elrond and Aragorn and Bilbo - but that's irrelevant to this question...

And the library...!!!! Have you seen it??? Somewhere - or it was mentioned. *frowns* Great, now I can't remember - ANYWAY. There has to be a library somewhere - I refuse to believe that there isn't.

And it's so peaceful there - a haven, rightly called. It's so beautiful and peaceful - and when you go there, you feel like nothing bad can ever reach you.

Alright, I don't really know why I like it best, or why I would want to live there - mostly because it's safe.

I know as soon as this is posted, I'll think of a million reasons more why I would wish to live there... *sighs*

And the leader is good. Not aloof as in Loth Loríen, nor ignorant/possessed/brainwashed as in Rohan, nor as corrupted as in Gondor - just good. Tired, exhausted, human - but good.

And, my reasons for Rivendell outweighed those of Hobbiton, so that's decided...

2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day Two

Which is your favourite book and/or movie?

Firstly: why do we have these impossible tasks?!?! Have you TRIED to pick only one?? You have to have the rest for it to make sense!!! It just doesn't work otherwise...

Alright, now that that's dealt with, let's move on...

My favourie book and/or movie...Hmmm. (have I mentioned extrememly hard tasks?!)

Alright: Return of the King.

The book had more scenes from my favourite characters, as well as the appendices with the notes on the languages in the back. In that book, it brought Éowyn to Faramir; and it healed more of the brokenness that was in all of the characters.

The third book was filled with so much marvellous moments. There were the instances of friendships being strengthened between Pippen and Merry, Legolas and Gimli, Frodo and Sam, etcetra. There were also multitude acts of bravery and chivalry and loyalty: Éowyn and Merry fighting the Witch King for Théoden, Aragorn in the House of Healing, Sam fighting to save Frodo, the Eagles, etcetra... Then of course, the renewing of life and love (they go hand in hand for me, so...), with Faramir and Éowyn and how they were both healed and brought together; with Aragorn and Arwen wed after many MANY years; Sam marrying Rosie and his family being started; Gondor and Arnor reunited as one; the White Tree was replanted; the Shire cleaned up; (Saruman killed...); Saroun defeated, etcetra...

And, oh! The sheer amount of wonderfully quoteable lines and moving scenes is astounding!!! The charges, the description of the battle fields, the description of people, the events - I could write a trillion poems inspired by this book and still not run out of inspirations!!!
Yes, alright, I love the book. I cannot even begin to tell you what I like - the amount of quotes and pictures and scenes included here...'Twould be easier to just include the book. Trust me...

Of course, don't get me started on the movie... Wallpapers, poems, quotes - it's just so beautiful and moving and brave and...and.... *speechless*

Words have failed to suit my cause -

So pardon me as I will pause.

*sighs*

But the third book is also the best because it is an end AND a beginning. It is the end of the darkness and despair and the fear prevalent throughout the earlier books; yet is also the bright, hopeful beginning to the Fourth Age. It hold some of the darkest moments, but also the brightest; it is the saddest book, yet also the happiest. It's the book that makes it all worthwhile - that makes the death and the sacrifice somehow worth it. Not entirely, but a little bit.

That being said, Return of the King is definitely my favourite book. (And movie.)

*studiously does NOT thinking of the countless reasons why she likes the others as well* And I shall leave it at that...

2015 - LOTR Blog Party - Day One

So several people recently have asked me how I met Bella. There are three distinct points in time: the hairstyle from Doctor Who's "Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS", the Lord of the Rings blog party, and my interest in Catholicism. The first two were in passing, the third was the lasting one that changed my life and hopefully gives her the patience to put up with my mistakes and misunderstandings and general mess..... (Please, please, please?)

I found the hairstyle, but discounted it because my hair wasn't long enough. A few months to a year later, I came back to do the hairstyle on my sister; and I discovered the blog party. Never one to pass up on a chance to talk about LOTR, I asked to take part even though I had no blog.

She has kindly given me permission to repost my tags here, so....voila! My very first blog posts - technically.

Since I am rewatching the series currently, maybe I will do another run through these tags and see what changes.

A New Day

"A Saint is a sinner who keeps Trying."

-- Josemaria Escriva

A new day, a new week, a new chance....

I never understood unworthiness. I never understood the Confiteor. I never understood...any of that. I mean, really? "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee..."? Rather, drmatic, don't you think?

Apparently not. If anything, it isn't strong enough.

How do you keep from doing something if you aren't really even sure what it is exactly that you did? I have an idea, but only because it is following a pattern I have had in the past: I get irritated and frustrated with the wrongs others are commiting around me, and then shortly thereafter I realise that I am doing the EXACT same thing. (So then, of course, I have to stop being irritated with them and focus on correcting myself, but...) Here I am irritated with hypocrisy and self-righteousness and....And here I am with the same attitudes.

But how did it come out? How can I keep it from coming out? How can I get rid of it? If I didn't even know it was there, if I honestly thought that I was in the right and behaving humbly....

yes, yes, I know.... Don't get worked up about it too much, it's not the end of the world (THANK GOD) and I am not the most worthless person in the world and I am still a baby Christian and.....

So on and so forth. I can repeat the anti-depressive points as well as everyone else.

But the truth is still there and I will not excuse myself. I destroyed one friendship, and probably caused problems with several others - I never, ever, ever want to do so again. Once I know where I have a fault, I should be more careful to keep from it!

It is overwhelming and I want to throw in the towel and give up. It would be easier.

Prayer.... It almost scares me. Trusting God scares me - having faith scares me. (Which scares me more because, that which I fear will come upon me? I know, I know: doesn't quite work that way.) I preferred a Christianity that was Natural, that was explainable. I preferred a world without angels or demons or miracles or faith or....anything like that. I prefered a scientific world - a reasonable world. it certainly didn't seem that much to ask.

Sure, I believed every word of the Bible was true, sure I believed that miracles and inexplicable things happened to the very real people therein; but.... But, well, that was then, right? Now.... Now we had cars and cell phones and men didn't wear dresses and women had a vote and a choice and were worth more than a few cows, and the supernatural was only a thing of the past. Demons were burning in hell, and angels worshipped in heaven, and gaurdian angels were a thing people told little babied, and demon possession was just a thing of horror films. That was all. The world was logical, and made sense. I was comfortable and that was fine. I believed in God, in his Son, and I prayed but.... Well, God doesn't answer in an audible voice, and really the only reason for praying was to get saved. Nothing else really mattered - you were on your own.

No. I do NOT like realising that a world where the Saints and angels are able to help me is also a world where...well, where they CAN help me. That is just weird.

What was my point.... Good grief. I lost it....

Ach, I give up.

I wish I could get rid of the sickening feeling inside me. I wish I could feel alright - didn't feel so hopelessly worthless. I wish I could believe this will work out, that I won't turn around and feel it all yanked out from underneath me again. I wish I could stop waiting for the other shoe to fall.

but I can't. Not yet. Not for a while. It's not right yet - I haven't made it right. Nothing bad has happened - I haven't been punished, so it isn't alright.

I know that way of thinking can cause problems, but I can't help it now. It's all I know. And right now I am just.....existing. Caught between waiting for the punishment I deserve and the longing to believe that it will be alright.

Which leads me back to my original point of I have no idea how to keep from making this mistake again.

The Saddest Words....

Ah, writers.... we love our phrases, don't we? Almost cliched some of them, but....how else can we describe things? Perhaps some of us more ameteur humans, us inexperienced children - perhaps we think that we can show it, that any amount of words can replace that phrases that so aptly describes something.....

Do you know what it's like to sob? To feel those gut-wrenching, frame-shaking screams that are too broken to even make noise? Do you know what that's like, do you have any idea? have you experienced it?

I have. Many times. I have felt that storm inside me, so strong I can't make a sound.

yesterday, I experienced what it was like to weept like that through sorrow.

Oh, dear Reader, it is very different from crying in anger. The despair, the loss, that scream that reaches for answers it knows it won't get..... It is so very different.  One could get lost in it. One could never escape it. One could say it was like a knife twisted in a chest.

and there's that phrase. Writers, do you understand what that means? Have you felt that sudden ache - that breathlessness as you realise you miscalculated, as you realise that you have made an irreparable error somewhere along the way

It is most definitely a knife.

And friends? There is no other phrase that can quite describe it.

"Happy is the man whose mouth brings him no grief, 
who is not stung by remorse for sin.
Happy is the man whose conscience does not reproach him, 
who has not lost hope." 
-- Sirach 14:1-2

And I am assuredly not happy.

Oh merciful Lord who offers a way of repentence! Who is kind enough to guard his children from doing wrong! Forgive me my sins. teach me your ways, keep me in your love.

I....don't know if I will add more to this. I don't know which blog this belongs on. But....

Oh, his goodness in keeping me from going too far - his mercifulness in giving me a chance.

let my pride be broken, let me anger be cooled. let me show God in me.

If I sing but don't have love,

I waste my breath with every song

I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise...

If I speak with a silver tongue,

Convince a crowd but don't have love,

I leave a bitter taste with every word I say.

If I give to a needy soul

But don't have love, then who is poor?

It seems all the poverty is found in me.

Words are my weapons. I learnt that ages ago with my brother. What I forget is that the knives I handle so casually, others are not so used to being cut by. Some people are still soft - some people are still alive. I forget, and in that I sin. I sin and I can only ask for forgiveness. I cannot apologise enough - I can never apologise enough.

I pray I never do. I pray that that anguish - that knife - I pray it is a thorn in my side, ever to remind me of my mistakes. 

I pray to be a saint. That is my prayer. I pray that the Blessed Mother will pray for me and guide me as she did her Son. 

....suddenly I wonder what exactly it is that I am praying for. I thank them! But I fear.

Oh my friends, my readers....guard your tongue. Guard your friends. Know what matters to you and hold that close. Never be too proud. Never scorn warnings from your friends. Never ignore chastisement from the Lord.

if you do, it will go worse and you will be broken without rememdy; to quote my father's favourite verse.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for your mercy.

I Fear neither Pain Nor Death

so. Yes. I am still posting on here. More often as I get the hang of typing VERY quickly and organising my thoughts the night before.

and taking a few weeks to publish the finished post.

But I am posting! I actuyally have internet here when I thought I wouldn't.

I know, I know - this does little good since no one is reading this since no one thinks I'm posting....but hey! This is supposed to be my rant into the ether anyway. I'm used to the solitude.

So I FINALLY got to watch the second Lord of the Rings again yesterday (I watched the first about two months ago or something...) and it was kind of....strange how fitting so much was to myself?

maybe it's just that after reading the Anne Shirley books and feeling like someone studied me and my personality and copied it exactly for Anne (seriously. it was disconcerting!), I was a bit more sensitive to that. That, and apparently I have memorised the films WAY too much and nitpicked the whole thing. Don't get me wrong! I still loved it! But seriously! I need their hair-care tips.

Especially since I had to go off of my baking soda shampoo - it was working so well too! But It wasn't cleaning my hair anymore so... *sighs* Back to normal shampoo I go. Now my hair is always greasy, of course....

I seriously just want to cry - I hate greasy hair, but every time I use shampoo, my hair never stays clean! I just want clean hair - how hard is that????

But back to the topic at hand: cages.

I would say that I'm obviously not in the same situation as Eowyn was, but there are too many correlations for that to be true. So I will stick with saying that I don't have right and wrong as easily laid out for me as she did.

But oh..... A cage. I don't fear death, I don't fear pain, I don't fear....much of anything; except nothing. I fear wasting my life, I fear taking inaction and living to bitterly regret it. I would rather step out and fail miserably than stay where I am comfortable and forever wonder 'what if'.

I fear wasting my life. I fear not living the life God would want me to. I fear being miserable. I fear settling for comfort rather than the right thing. I fear.....

I fear a cage. I fear being unwanted, unloved. I fear hurting those around me. I fear doing nothing great with my life - doing nothing worthwhile.

(Of course, if we follow through with the relation to Eowyn, I would love to marry, to have someone love me.... But there isn't a great evil to put me with anyone if there is one so... Sorry, yes, I'm digressing.)

I know. It's a choice. I have to wake up each morning and say: "No. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I might have no family, no history, no ties, no prospects - but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep living. I am going to survive this, and I am going to live to see good come of sorrow. To see joy come in the morning."

And that is all that really matters, I think. Keep going. Keep fighting. Wake up each morning and choose to live. Do the best you can with what you're given. Be the best you can with what you are. Live a life to glorify God, live your life to bring honour to him.

What other purpose is there, really? What else has any worth?

It's like running a race. (something that I hate with all within me, by the way.) I'm tired, I'm not as good as the rest, I stumble, i fall, I slow down, I can't breathe.... But I have to keep going, I want to reach the end. Some days I can fly, other days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But I keep going. It is a conscious choice on my part to cooperate with God, to choose him in everything.

it's a choice I fail at constantly - but it's still a choice I make. I'm well aware I'm not perfect... *sighs*

It would be so easy to give up, to stay where it is comfortable. it would be so easy to stay within the cage. I could get used to it - could tell myself it was where I belonged. I could live with it.

But I would die of it too, and I know that. the end is worth the fight, and I have to remember it. When I want to give up, when I want to stay with what I know: I have to remember that. i can't give in to despair, I can't countenence self-pity. I know the truth and that is what I must hold to. It will be worth it in the end, I know it.

I know it.

There is NO Dummy book for Adulting

I take it back. I take everything back. Whatever I've given.

I don't want to adult!!!!!!!

yes, I am going to sit here and whine....

I know, I know: I brought this on myself. This was my choice. I know - to a point - what I'm getting into. This is worth it. This is right. This is the way it has to be.

But come on! Seriously? Me? Budgets and lists and vehicles and jobs and and and and and.... and who thought it was a good idea to let little old me attempt this?

And fine, fine... I know, I'll learn, I'll catch on, I'll figure it out (hopefully) but it's so bloody overwhelming that....

I just sit here staring at it, at this pile that looms over me. So many choices, so many options... What do I do? What contingencies do I plan for? What could go wrong? What could go right? What should I do? and where do I ever even start????

There are a few things I am truly upset about in my youth. One of them is the lack of preparation I had for living life past highschool. School's over - what do I do now? If I want to get married and have a family, should I pursue a lengthy college route? If I want to pursue college, how should I go about it?

Where do I begin?

As a child, you have this idea that you'll grow up and you'll be smart and in control and won't ever have to anything you don't want to do. then you grow up and reach that magical 'adult' age and realise you feel the same then as you did at thirteen. You realise that it's all a lie and no one ever really disillusioned you!

Or is that just me?

I want to hide from it, deny it's happening, stay in my little safe cocoon for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that, right? RIGHT?

Nope. And I know it. I can't just give up, can't sit and settle. I have to keep going - I have to try. if I don't, I will always regret it - always wonder what might have been.

I mean, i might anyway; but better to take action than to sit.

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

A lot has changed since I've moved out, moved on. some for the better, maybe some for the worse. I have a spaghetti strap dress, I smile and laugh, I have friends, I pray..... sometimes it doesn't seem real, sometimes I'm terrified I'll mess it all up. I know I'm inexperienced, I know I'm young... I know that I know nothing else - but my insecurity is crippling sometimes. I can't imagine it would be worth it to try.

Who wants to be responsible? I mean, really? Who wants to be the one in charge? I feel like Tobias Fornell, irritating everyone just so he doesn't have to be in charge. Except that wouldn't work. figures.

Also! Fun bit of data! Self-harm is addicting??? Oh, right, yeah... another thing no one talks about I guess. *sighs* Who knew I would have to deal with that? I mean, I'm happy now - that means I shouldn't want to cut, right?

Yeah. Right. Apparently not. *sighs*

While we're talking about friends too - or while I am thinking about them - at what point is enough enough? when is it right to draw the line? Besides the obvious points... I mean, what happens when the differences are too massive? What happens when one can't discuss anything with a friend because it might be difficult? How does one handle that? When does it stop being worth it?

I just want the innocence of childhood back.

Actually, I'd like to have experienced it at all. Reader tells me to have fun but....

I don't want to face my coices. I don't want to be in charge. I feel like I'm going to fail, and I don't know how to avoid failing. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to learn.

Friends

Friendship. Friends. A good relationship. All necessary things, right?

Even I would agree and I am generally the Sherlock of my circle of associates: the sociopath. I am rather emotionless and...yeah.

That being said, now that I am allowed to have friends I definitely make an effort to cultivate them. I have friends, I have acquaintances, I have family - albeit adopted. I pray to God I am never so isolated again, and I make an earnest effort to take part in society now - to be social, to have friends.

It's not easy, but hey! I am learning to make decisions, to make boundaries. I am learning to prioritise. (It's adulting. It's REALLY not fun. why do we have to do this???)

But friends.... what is a friend? What friendships are important to work on, and what ones need to be set aside?

This is something I am struggling with and.... Well, I am at a loss. Everyone knows that whom you associate with affects you, but if we should associate with our betters but our betters would not associate with us...

"Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good morals."

More importantly than aspirations or character right now: what about belief? If a friendship cannot find some common ground from which to work for all serious matters, then is it really worth continuing? Is a friendship that is not strong enough to talk about anything that is truly important really worth putting into?

and friendship isn't a marriage. Marriage should be a friendship - but friendship is not a marriage. I have no right to ask my friends to compromise and change for me; nor would I respect them as much if they did. I would rather have an acquaintanceship with someone that could only fight with me rather than a friendship that compromised on what they believed just so they could remain friends with me. But....when a friend does stand up, does stick with beliefs that are so opposed to mine..... what to do then? When we both believe the other is in the wrong, what do we do then?

Suddenly, principles are put to the test and....

Life just cannot be simple, can it.

...to be fair, I am having this problem with a lot of friends. Just in different areas. So....while actually I think most of my friends will read this blog, just...know it's not just you.

*sighs*

THIS IS MY RANTING PAGE! GO AWAY IF IT BOTHERS YOU! Or stop being my friend if I insult you enough, but if you do that, then obviously the friendship was not worth it and that solves my problem. Leaves me in tears, but solves my problem.

But no. It really is bothering me. A friendship that avoids talking about anything serious because one or both sides will not consent to find common ground? How is that a friendship? A friendship that doesn't answer questions because  it is pointless or might offend? How is that a real friendship? A friendship that does not take 'no' for an answer, does not respect boundaries? How is that a good friendship?

Don't get me wrong. the Lord knows the mess I bring with me into relationships, but..... The people I have around me - I care about them. I want to know about them, to understand them. I give of myself and want to give to them, to lift them up. I profile people to help them better, so I learn them. Do I agree with all of my friends? Good gracious - no! For one thing, I have an unfortunate habit of meeting people (especially in the fanfiction community) whose sexuality is wrong. I do not agree with their beliefs on that, but...... I am not going to cut off all friendship just because of that. The same goes with lesser things. We are to love people - how are we to love people if we demand they change before they are worthy of that love?

Perhaps a bad example, but nonetheless. I do not hide my beliefs - or I try not to now. and I would not ask any friend to hide or compromise their beliefs either - even ones I believe are totally wrong. That would be wrong of me and I could not do it. Try to convince them, sure; pray for them, absolutely; but..... Not force them to change to keep the friendship. That would be a bad example. And I would not be able to respect or trust them again either.

But there should always be common ground. If not in the same denomination, then in the same faith. If not in the same faith, then in the same morals. If not in the same morals, what in the world have I gotten myself into??

....although, to be fair, it's not an unforeseen situation. *sighs*

I would never quit on this - not on something important. I just wish it wasn't so difficult, so confusing. I wish I didn't have to make decisions for myself - I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

Ah, but there's the rub.... for in that rest what abuse may come?

anyway..... There's my rant for the day....

Steve vs. Tony (A sort of Civil War post...)

I am... well, 'famous' wouldn't be the right word, would it be.... I am infamous for greatly admiring Captain America. No, I don't have a crush on him; I just... I admire him. If he were real, he would be my Saint; as he is fictional..... He exists in that nice foggy area where dreams and reality mesh.

I admire his character, his honour, his virtue, his pride, his diligence... I admire his virtues, his strengths. I see his flaws - or I see how he deals with his flaws. I see in him a template to shape a life after. I see in him a life to be proud of - a life I want to lead. I admire him, and I copy him because I want to be like him. I want to do what is right. I want to stand against bullies, wherever they are. I want to make the world a better place one thing at a time. I want to live my life in such a way that I bring glory to what I live for. I want to do something with my life so that I as a person disappear; but what I did lives on and grows outside me. I want....

he never sought glory for himself. He doesn't seek honour for himself. His is a face for America - for truth and justice and all the ideals that people forget. He only wanted to fight bullies, to protect what was right. He only wanted to do good.

That is his legacy. That is his life - that is all that matters. That was why the character was created. That is why the character is more real than fiction - he IS a face for ideals that are forgotten. He.... Oh, how can I say this without having seen the films....

My dad always said that the best stories came from things timeless - the classics that stood the test of time were all the same story. Look at the pantheons and legends and you will see he's right. Truth always comes back - it always slips in to shine. The best stories are the ones you can live by - the ones you can memorise and take to heart and in the end... In the end, the best stories are the ones that change YOU for the best.

I love Captain America, but Tony Stark....

I hate Stark because I am him.

We are flawed, broken - we look to the standard and we admire it, but we know we can never attain it. We look to perfection and despair. We look to what he wrought, and we try to do the same in our own humble ways; but it never turns out right - it often becomes worse. We go into things with the best of motives, and only end up digging the hole we are in even deeper.

Look at it - many people have pointed out that Tony was almost the Loki to Steve's Thor. (To use another reference to summarise...) What he does is always an attempt to get out of Steve's shadow - unconsciously though the Captain cast it. First, Tony tries by rebelling, and then he tries by imitating.

Then Steve comes back and once again he is in the shadow....

I despise Tony because in a way he is a reflection of what I AM, while Steve is what I WANT to BE. Why would I want to look at the broken self that I already know from the darkest night, when I can fix my eyes on a higher level that I can strive to reach?

and as there is hope for me, there is hope for Tony. Where we are now is not where we were when we started. He is an admirable character now, and I am unrecognisable from when I first stepped out. We are both struggling with our battles, and we fall and fail - but we always get back up. We don't know how to quit.

That more than anything makes us like the Captain.

Someday, we'll learn what matters. Some day we'll learn to put others before ourselves. someday we'll learn that we don't matter. Someday we'll learn to forgive ourselves and let go of our anger and bitterness. Someday....

Someday we'll learn to say: "No. You move."

The Giver - Another Rambling Post

It must have been a few months ago now that I watched The Giver. It was a surprisingly good film - although I've never read the books - and this post will spoil it. Warning - turn back now if you care about that.

I have no idea what the background of the book is - no idea the inspiration or the intent. I only know it dealt with heavy moral issues and didn't shy away from them. I enjoyed it immensely and would watch it again. And I loved how the monochromatic was handled! I do love black and white films....

However, in watching it, something stuck out to me: Jonas' joy.

As he gets the memories, as he starts to see colour - his joy is overwhelming; his excitement! His happiness is palpable and yet.....he is alone. He can share it with no one - his family, his friends....they know nothing of the wonder and the beauty he sees and learns. And that was so familiar to me - that joy that just...ends because there is no one to share it with.... It is familiar to me.

See, Jonas' awe and joy with the memories and the newly revealed world? Is exactly my reaction to Catholicism. It's wonderful and beautiful and real and full and so. good. But.....no one understands. They are all Protestants, and....I can't begin to explain this peace and joy I have been shown. I can't begin to explain what the world really is - how COLOURFUL it is. I am alone. And so was Jonas.

anyway, from that it went onward until the whole story SO much symbolised my path to Catholicism that I loved the film even more.

Jonas is me - the convert. He had his life planned out, he knew what he would do - what he would believe. He knew his world - knew its rules. He knew what was expected of him and he never really questioned it. And yet....he saw things - every now and then something didn't fit right in the world he had been taught. But he brushed it off and continued in his life - in his role.

And then the Giver comes along. Then Jonas is sent to a teacher who begins to upset everything.

But Jonas doesn't know that at first! At first, it is nothing more than a novelty - something that easily fits inside the world he has always known. They are easily reconciled. He has a few new memories, the starting of emotion..... But nothing really more. He goes about his day to day life and that is it.

But he is curious. He knows the truth and he returns to it. He starts to compare the two worlds - the one he has always been taught was the only truth and the one that is being revealed as the final truth - and he finds inconsistancies. He finds....lack on the part of his accepted world - more and more he returns to the memories, to the 'new' world.

And the Giver is patient - he shows him, he teaches him. He guides Jonas - tries to ease him into it.

Do you know how terrifying Catholicism is? At first at least.

For me, it was something beautiful but wrong. It was always beautiful. I have my classical books and films to thank for that - I have images of stained glass windows and cathedrals to thank for that. I have God to thank for that because if not for my love of history - of all things old and traditional? I doubt I would have ever considered the Church.

Catholics were....admirable but misguided. Admirable because they followed all of these rules and really believed them - like Muslims do - and yet misguided because they worshipped Mary and Saints, and believed they ate blood and flesh during Communion which is too gross to be true in Christianity, and followed tradition, and generally were just another man-made religion. And yet I admired them because they had age to reccommend them, and they always seemed to have rules to follow - prayers to pray and feasts to keep.... And as I grew older, I began to long for it as well as admire it because they were one - they weren't split into fifty denominations or something like Protestant's were. Of course, they worshipped Mary - something that became the only thing holding me back in the end - and so were unacceptable for a true Christian to join; but......I longed for the tradition, the surety, the sameness.

Desperation and curiosity pushed me to learn more - more the former than the latter. I set out with the promise that the moment anything contradicted Scripture that I would turn away and never consider it again. But nothing ever did.

Point....what was my point.....

This is why I write outlines everybody! I don't do too well with streams of consciousness....

I knew the world - I knew what was real and what wasn't. I knew what was true and what wasn't. I knew how to speak - how to act. It didn't matter that I myself had so much issues with Protestantism and my faith (it was nonexistant) - I still knew what was right.

But then my Giver came. Then there was a spark of truth, a flash of colour. It was slow at first, but then I wanted more - I wanted all of it. I still do. There was joy, depth, clarity...

Stumbling blocks, certainly. As Jonas was uncertain of the Giver so I very often pulled away from Catholicism. It scared me.  Still does at times. If Protestantism was right, then I am throwing away my salvation and turning to false gods. As Catholicism is right, none of my family are right. But they are content - it is all they had ever known. And I know what they know - the same monochromatic world with precision of language.... But there is a better world! There is a deeper truth.

Jonas wants to show joy, laughter, fun, love to his world - he was seeing all these wonderful things for the first time and he had no one to share them with.

Fiona is on the outside - she is his friend, his family. She is scared for him - she thrives in the world they were raised in - she has no desire for anything outside. He is asking her to look at water, to skip her medication, to try to feel - he is asking her..... He asks too much of her. But she tries.

I have a friend like that at least - a Protestant who will at least listen to me when I learn something new or find out something or just want to talk. She listens. She can't see the colours - but she at least listens.

And then I have the other friends that....don't. That can't see the colours and can't quite accept that I can. Well, they think I'm crazy - but still.

And then there are the people who think there is no difference at all between the world they see and the world I have come to see. They think it doesn't matter if one can see in colour or not - think it doesn't matter as long as the Trinity and Ressurection/Crucifixion are in place.

There is only one other Giver - I only know three Catholics. I want to show the whole world this greater and deeper truth I have been shown - I want everyone to be as relieved and overjoyed as I am! But I can't do that - I don't know how and.....

Eventually - the worlds stop meshing together. Eventually, the colour and the greyscale clash, and the memories and 'precision of language' contradict. Eventually, one has to choose. Do you stay with what's familiar? Do you stay with what you know? Do you take the easier route? Or do you take a risk? Do you trust the Truth?

Do you run away from the memories of war and pain, or do you speak against the lies?

It's terrifying. True, for me, Catholicism is the easier way because it makes SENSE - but....it's still the exact opposite of all I have been raised in. But it is still terrifying.

Things I took for granted - the Bible, the interpretation, the view of SCIENCE, morality... I can't take them for granted. Even after I have accepted Catholicism as true, I learn new things that...shake everything I've known.

At least I don't have weeks where I question the existence of God at all.....

But it is terrifying. And so lonely.

I don't wish I hadn't seen the Church. I don't wish it wasn't real. It's wonderful - worthwhile. But sometimes I wish I weren't alone.

Catholicism has all that Protestantism had - but more. Where once God was distant, seemingly uncaring for the blind, stupid Christian's struggling along; now he is loving, providing for all sorts of people. He is merciful.

I doubt I'll ever really get rid of what I've learnt in Protestantism. It's what I was raised in - my paradigm. And yet....it's like Narnia. Compared to the world without God, Narnia is vibrant and real and so very, very, very tangible. But when you go to Aslan's land? The REAL Narnia?

That's what Catholicism is, in a way. Going deeper and further into vibrancy and colour and faith and always finding new truths - new wonders. It never ends - I can keep going and exploring and God will keep teaching me.

I feel so lonely sometimes. But compared to what I felt before? At least now there are Angels, Saints - I'm not reallly alone. And my prayers are heard. It's a relief.

A rant. (Yes, in reply to some conversations but this is largely directed at myself..... And as an explanation of sorts.)

What is wrong with me? Why do i prefer the anti-heroes, the villain? Good writing? Drama? Angst? Hurt? What is wrong with me that I prefer the tears to the happiness? What is wrong with me that I'll prefer the funeral to the happy end?

I say it's writing - that it makes for a more impactful story.

I say it's real. That I don't believe in fairytales.

And it's true.

So what is wrong with me?

Am I a psychopath? A Sociopath? Are they the same thing? Does it even matter? Was I born this way? Made this way? Can I change? Do I WANT to change?

What is wrong with me?

Does it even matter?

One moment I am happy. The next I can't move for the sheer futility of everything.

Oh, you optimists....how I envy you.... Oh you good people - I envy you. It doesn't matter that everyone has their own problems - that you might be dealing with something that is as debilitating to you as mine are to me. I don't know that - I just see the facade. The mask. It doesn't matter. To my mind, I am beaten down and you somehow still carry on. I see the world in shades of black and tears and you somehow find the good in things. enjoy things.

And you know what's worse? I don't know if I even want to change - if I want to stop seeing black. I don't know if I want to give this up. This is all I know. All I've ever known. It's safe. I'll be cold. I'll be harsh. I'll be on the offense. I will do what it takes to protect myself.

Then? The only enemy I have to fight is myself. I might be steadily losing that fight - but at least I know my enemy. At least I expect the hurt and the hate and the betrayal.

And yeah. I know. I overthink the whole bloody mess.

I DON'T CARE!! I know the arguments. I know the solutions. But planning the future? I am struggling with the next minute - the next hour. I can't manage days ahead. Weeks ahead. I just...I can't. I start panicking worse and fretting and I generally work myself into hysteria.

And I can stop overthinking, sure. I can stop fretting. I can calm down.

But the only way I know how to do that? Shut it all up. Shut it up and lock it away and....and it's just left there festering until the next time I work myself up.

I just....I just want a hug. A promise it will be alright. A distraction. A commiseration - no, not even that. I just.....I want answers but I can't handle them. I need help but I can't get it. I am hurting myself mentally just as much as if I took a razor to my skin and I am falling apart. Whatever I do is cause for hate - whatever I do is wrong. I could have done better or I couldn't do worse. I could have done more or I couldn't do less.

I. can't. stop.

And I'm bloody sick of the platitudes - all of the answers inside my head I BLOODY WELL KNOW THEM!!

I'm.....

I'm pathetic.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to get better?

I just want to give up. I just want to stop. I wish I could shut down. Stop feeling. Stop being. I wish I could be rewritten - that I could just...go away, mentally. I want to take a break. I want to...rest. I want to rebuild myself.

But can I? Is it even possible? Especially for me?

What if they're right? What if I'm a psychopath? Or a sociopath whatever the difference is.... What if I am unable to stop lying? What if I'm just imagining everything - being a hypochondriac? What if I'm just lazy? A drama queen? What if I am just using those around me? What if I am hurtful to be around? What if they are right to fear me? What if I am the poison? Why can't i stop THINKING????

And what good is the truth if I do nothing with it?

I can't do this. I....I can't.

But I have to. I always have to.