Complications

There are some types of people that I really envy. Not in a...'I'd kill you to do what you do or have what you have' but more in a 'I really wish I had the means or the courage to even try to do what you do'.

Actors  These are probably at the top of the list. I adore watching good acting. It is a treat and better than Christmas day. (Actually, most things are better, but that's a different rant...) But it's....horrid. Because I absolutely adored acting and am not nearly so good nor have I the opportunity to do so again.

So while I adore watching good acting, I hate it. It's bittersweet.

Violinists  These are so beautiful and frustrating for the same reason as acting!

Historians  Ah, this lovely group....  I do so love history. Sadly, I just collect random trivia basically. I can just....try.

Historical Writers  This probably extends to simply fiction writers, but I'll keep it simple. But while I can write, and know enough about history that it permeates my writing; I don't know enough about history to convincingly write in a time without my modern upbringing tainting my worldview.

It's...annoying. And sad. Bittersweet, at best.

Which, reminds me of something else....

A complex versus a simple life.

Some people see it as complex, others see it as simple; some people over-complicate, and others over-simplify.

Who's in the right? Is life simple? Is it complex? Should we simplify our problems, or look for complexities?

I know that I probably over-complicate things. I just....  Life isn't black and white. It hasn't been for a very, very long time. It used to be black and white with many shades of grey, and now it's just....mostly shades of grey. God is White, but after that.... Shades of grey.

There are reasons for everything. They aren't always the right reasons, sometimes might not even be sensible reason - but they're still reasons. The end consequences do nothing to negate the reasons that set the person on that path to those consequences.

So looking back, there are always hundreds of shades of grey. what about looking forward?

In the past, there are reasons for actions; in the future, there are choices between actions.

Ah, and there is were 'over-complicating' comes in.

Has anyone played chess? I quite enjoyed it. Not good, but I can play it at least. Now, I was told once that an excellent tip for playing chess well is to plan out the next several moves. In other words, you move a piece, and for every move they might make in answer you have another move to countre theirs and so on for several layers.

Some players are off the cuff of their sleeve. They make each move as it comes, not bothering with planning to countre their opponent's moves.

Others plan out countless moves, allowing for every possible opportunity. They're basically computers, but they consider every possible outcome.

As long as I'm talking Chess, and because there are apparently absolutely no gifs of that scene - there are also the people that don't need to plan out multiple opportunities that may arise because they do not fill the mind with clutter of things that aren't factual, and they can basically know what's going to happen.

The only fun in THAT is when you get two such people to play against each other. The danger is if they ever team up.... (Which, while we're speaking of this - it could just be two people that know each other really well - it's fun to pair them off, especially for them; but if they pair up against another?)

Irrelevant.

But! Chess!

The point being is that choices in life are that way.

Some people don't plan ahead at all. They just do what they feel or know is right. Others can plan a bit further, considering the consequences and rewards a choice will have and basing their decision on that. And then there are others that see multiple choices and options for everything.

Personally? I think those that can just make a decision are blessed. I personally can't. Nothing is simple, and everything has reprucussions and consequences to more than just oneself.

And maybe it's an elder thing - a firstborn thing. maybe it's because we've been told all our lives to care for and protect and teach and be an example for our younger siblings - perhaps it's so ingrained to us that it permeates everything. We can't help considering others.

Ah, nature versus nurture....

I honestly think they're one and the same. What one is taught is the same thing that one is. Especially from those ages.

But that is a matter of which I am ill-qualified to handle or discourse on.

Do I over-complicate things? Does it matter in the end? Is considering what impact my grades or lack thereof will have upon whatever future I might desire over-complicating things? Is considering what impact my absence will have on my family over-complicating it? Is planning on how to avoid damage over-complicating things?

I envy those people with happy homes, or those that can at least pretend it's so better than others. I envy those that don't have to worry about what far-reaching consequences their decisions might have. I envy those that don't have to worry about what dreams they might crush.

And in the end, does it even matter.

The funny thing about choices made is that you can never unmake them. A choice made is the only choice made, and the rest are...fantasy. You can think about what might have changed - but how do you know you wouldn't have ended up at the same end regardless?

We can't ever know. Thus is life.

And if that isn't complex? If life is supposed to be simple? Look at the stars! The galaxies! The Universes!

Or go smaller - look at the cells! The organisms! the elements!

Compared to God? They're simple. Compared to God? Everything's simple. But if that's simple? Then how could we ever begin to comprehend what COMPLICATED is?

And the list of books I want to eventually grows longer.

But no, this is only here because of the words. Because of the insight it has into WWII.

Sorry. Random digression as always. What I get for looking into history again....

It is such an intriguing time.