Steve vs. Tony (A sort of Civil War post...)

I am... well, 'famous' wouldn't be the right word, would it be.... I am infamous for greatly admiring Captain America. No, I don't have a crush on him; I just... I admire him. If he were real, he would be my Saint; as he is fictional..... He exists in that nice foggy area where dreams and reality mesh.

I admire his character, his honour, his virtue, his pride, his diligence... I admire his virtues, his strengths. I see his flaws - or I see how he deals with his flaws. I see in him a template to shape a life after. I see in him a life to be proud of - a life I want to lead. I admire him, and I copy him because I want to be like him. I want to do what is right. I want to stand against bullies, wherever they are. I want to make the world a better place one thing at a time. I want to live my life in such a way that I bring glory to what I live for. I want to do something with my life so that I as a person disappear; but what I did lives on and grows outside me. I want....

he never sought glory for himself. He doesn't seek honour for himself. His is a face for America - for truth and justice and all the ideals that people forget. He only wanted to fight bullies, to protect what was right. He only wanted to do good.

That is his legacy. That is his life - that is all that matters. That was why the character was created. That is why the character is more real than fiction - he IS a face for ideals that are forgotten. He.... Oh, how can I say this without having seen the films....

My dad always said that the best stories came from things timeless - the classics that stood the test of time were all the same story. Look at the pantheons and legends and you will see he's right. Truth always comes back - it always slips in to shine. The best stories are the ones you can live by - the ones you can memorise and take to heart and in the end... In the end, the best stories are the ones that change YOU for the best.

I love Captain America, but Tony Stark....

I hate Stark because I am him.

We are flawed, broken - we look to the standard and we admire it, but we know we can never attain it. We look to perfection and despair. We look to what he wrought, and we try to do the same in our own humble ways; but it never turns out right - it often becomes worse. We go into things with the best of motives, and only end up digging the hole we are in even deeper.

Look at it - many people have pointed out that Tony was almost the Loki to Steve's Thor. (To use another reference to summarise...) What he does is always an attempt to get out of Steve's shadow - unconsciously though the Captain cast it. First, Tony tries by rebelling, and then he tries by imitating.

Then Steve comes back and once again he is in the shadow....

I despise Tony because in a way he is a reflection of what I AM, while Steve is what I WANT to BE. Why would I want to look at the broken self that I already know from the darkest night, when I can fix my eyes on a higher level that I can strive to reach?

and as there is hope for me, there is hope for Tony. Where we are now is not where we were when we started. He is an admirable character now, and I am unrecognisable from when I first stepped out. We are both struggling with our battles, and we fall and fail - but we always get back up. We don't know how to quit.

That more than anything makes us like the Captain.

Someday, we'll learn what matters. Some day we'll learn to put others before ourselves. someday we'll learn that we don't matter. Someday we'll learn to forgive ourselves and let go of our anger and bitterness. Someday....

Someday we'll learn to say: "No. You move."

Civil War Remix - Tag! Again. Because I wanted to see if I could... And I feel terrible....

Alright. So I know I chose Steve's side. No, I'm not changing.

However. The party is technically done. So I'm...twisting some things.

That, and I realise that if something just...If Steve and Bucky didn't have that whatever it is that makes them preferable to Tony, I'd be on Tony's side.

And because in all honesty I don't know why I bother choosing 'favourite' characters. I always end up changing my mind and...

Sorry. It's annoying. It annoys me.

By the way. If you want me to change my mind about something - tell me to write a blog post. Apparently that works....

1. What is your favorite Iron Man movie?

Iron Man 3. I've never quite figure out WHAT annoys me about Tony but...it wasn't there.  I enjoyed the part where it was Tony that did the work - not the suit, Tony. And Tony's intelligence was showcasted basically and..  *Grins* I love his genius!!  And he just...makes up these things and takes down the security and...

I loved it.

2. When did you decide you loved Iron Man?

Oh boy.....

Welcome to the mess that is my head.

When did I love Tony? In the first five minutes of the first movie.

He's sarcastic, genius, dark....  The perfect character. Yeah, he was a playboy as he himself says but...I've liked worse characters and...that wasn't it. I've never really been figure out EXACTLY what bothers me about him. Over familiarity? Experience? The realisation that so much of the plot in the first and second films could have probably been solved if he just THOUGHT for a moment. (oh. Look. What does he do in Civil War again....  *sighs*)

But....

Oh, I always liked Iron Man. He just....didn't fit perfect. *grins* He's endlessly fun though and I really wish I could sit through the first two movies more often. I always forget how much utter fun I have when I can ignore the little pointless things.

3. Do you tend to agree with Iron Man's thinking/logic?

Absolutely.

Way too much.

Steve is...good. I'm very much not. I keep repeating the same bloody mistakes - stuck in the same rut. I paint a mask to wear to be perfect. I don't apologise. I give gifts because words are liars. I don't think I can be loved. I ruin the good things. I feel more comfortable with my creations than the real world. I love to destroy things. I love to play the manipulation game. I can both blame everyone and blame myself. I blame myself for too much.

Do I agree with Tony's thinking and logic?

Oh yes.

Maybe that's why...why something bothers me: there's nothing to change.

Of course - I'm not that smart. I'm not a genius. I'm not the centre of all attention. I'm ignorable. I'm hopefully not as abrasive but.....

I could be. I could so easily be.

And most people don't like that. Better to admire Steve than to emphathise with Tony.

4.) What is one thing about Tony that drives you insane?

....ego? Pride? The mask he wears that says he's alright while never letting anyone in? The bandages he applies that hide the wounds that never heal? The way he draws all of the attention to one area in his life to hide the fact that he's miserable at all the rest?

*sighs*

He's over-dramatic. He takes the blame. He depends on himself.

What drives me insane?

Is that I fully understand him. It makes sense.

5.) Do you think you'd like Tony In real life?

Yes! I think it would be an utter disaster - he's too messed up to be a good acquaintance and I'm not well-balanced enough to deal with that.

However.

He loves to talk. I love to learn. I've a feeling we'd get along swimmingly, dangerously. Someone to test my theories - to try my ideas.....

Oh yeah, I think I'd like him.

He'd be a good distraction too. On the days when I didn't want to feel. When I didn't want to be me....

I wouldn't be the smart person.

Oh, he'd be harsh and cruel and as I said I think that would be a bad acquaintanceship but....

And Tony would be a TERRIBLE influence on me.

6.) Do you think you'd get along with Pepper Pots? What about Rhodey?

Rhodey - yes. Pepper.....no. Pepper is....she is that sort of person that...talks another language? Doesn't always hear what's really being said? Oh, she does. She's smart. But...there's something about her....

Rhodey would speak his mind. He's not going to tiptoe around something. He might not always go about it the best way but... I wouldn't be left wondering what's the truth.

7.) Would you like to live in Stark Tower?

If I can have a room/computer to myself? Absolutely. As long as I could be alone. Very alone. Leave me alone...

Not to mention!!  I could learn everything then! People would teach me!!

I mean, I try not to take advantage but... Sometimes it's allowed.

8.) Would you want to try out/own any of Iron Man's robots or fancy little gadgets?

....not really. I mean, they're interesting but.... I want to learn how to MAKE them!!

9.) What is your favorite Iron Man quote?

And those quotes sum up Tony. The child-like wonder and curiosity that never really died, the mask that can't be broken - that can take any abuse and keep going; and the determination that....feeds him. The drive for perfection that he knows he can never truly reach - he'll always be...second-best. 'Avenging' rather than 'defending'.

10.) If Tony as he is now volunteered to take you to dinner and a movie, would you accept his invitation? Not a date, just a night out cause he knows you are soooooo stressed.

Absolutely.

And I'm bringing my letter-opener and if he tries anything I'm stabbing him with it.

Oddly enough, I'd trust him.

Mostly because if it had gotten to the point where he'd ask me and I'd accept, I'd have learnt how to avoid it. Or he had learnt timing but....

No. I'd love to go out.

And try to stab him if he tried anything. (Like I said - he'd be a bad influence on me....)

It's too easy to sympathise and understand Tony. It's too easy to know him.

He's too familiar. WAY too familiar....

By the way: do you know what my favourite Tony Stark scene is? The ending fight scene of Civil War. Really. IT WAS JUST SO AMAZING AND INTERESTING AND SAD AND DESPERATE AND PERSONAL AND-!!!!!

We're All Mad Here

This was part of an old picture series I made several years ago. But I thought it incredibly fitted to the next Marvel film due. That, and they actually looked halfway well done......

Made by Angelique

Made by Angelique

Made by Angelique.

Made by Angelique

Made by Angelique

The quotes don't quite make sense, but it was based off a music video using the song 'This is War' by Tatyana Oracle on youtube that I liked.

I also find amusing that most of these are of Steve......

I solemnly swear I am up to no good -

What choices I make are not what I should.

But I will do them because I can:

Sometimes the stronger is the one that ran.

I soullessly swear I am up to no good -

What I did 'til the end no one thought I could.

But this I have chosen; for this I will fight -

For in the end? Only this could be right.

It's quite annoying, really. 

One sits down to an episode or a film, and one enjoys it - and there is one actor that just does not look right, Well, he - or she - looks right, but too familiar! And yet not nearly enough to be recognised - just a niggling feeling....

It helps if it were a major film or production - but when they were only in one episode, or if I didn't even see them at all but only saw them mentioned tangentially in another post on something....  It gets confusing and annoying.

Something that irks me immensely: that I can't be feminine.

Well, obviously, I can - and yet, I can't without judgement.

I'm the sort of person that loves to wear stockings and heels, and hats, and gloves, and girdles, and corsets, and waistcoats, and skirts, and gowns....  And I'd wear them every single day if I could. I like a touch of makeup, and I love red lipstick, and I adore shapely nails. Such as the ones above - what started this rant.

And yet, perhaps I just don't meet the right people ever, but I've always been judged for it. Or gotten that strong impression. "Why are you wearing a hat? Are you going to a funeral?" 'Why are you wearing gloves? Are you sick?' 'Why are you wearing a skirt? Don't you have any work to do?' 'Why are you wearing heels? Are you trying to get some boy's attention?' 'Why are you wearing red lipstick? Do you want to be a lady of the night?' 'Why are your nails long? why are they painted? Do you do any work or are you just some prissy girl that thinks she's better than everyone?'

'You like dresses - you never do any work.' 'You like makeup - obviously, you're just throwing yourself at men.' 'You like books - you can't tell what's reality. No wonder you're so messed up - you're a drama queen.' 'You let boys hold doors open for you - obviously you want them to turn us all into their servants again.'

What's so wrong with you in this modern time? Corsets are instruments of torture made to imprison women - don't you know that? Are you just so lazy you don't want to excersise? You know, if you really wanted to fix yourself, you could. You're just too lazy to try. You're backwards, and ignorant, and stupid - and why do you give yourself airs? Pretend you're better? Look down on us other modern women?

So, it probably is all in my head. One of the best times of my life was when I found out that there were other people that wore and lived vintage fashion and lives. That I wasn't the only person. That I wasn't fighting against something no one else did.

so yes. Please. Tell me I shouldn't do this. that I'm backward - ignorant. I'm sick of it. This is something I actually enjoy. Even a little bit.

I really don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't think I'm pretty, or entitled, or....anything. It makes me feel pretty - makes me a part of something that I can actually fit in with. Barely - but I can try.

It's rather like I'm self destructing.

I don't want to hope or dream, but if I don't I'm breaking myself apart. I want it all to stop, but I want to survive, I want to escape, to spare everyone else - but I don't want to hurt them any more. I don't want to fail, but if I don't try I'll fail anyway.

And yet, I can't try. Half of me wants to curl up beneath the duvet as tightly as I can, to cover my ears and listen to my heartbeat and pretend that there's nothing outside. Half of me wants to ignore life and work and food and family and friends and school and whatever else seeks to call me out.Half of me just doesn't care what happens anymore.

The other half of me? Fears failing. Fears being mocked, being looked down on, being pitied, being condescended to, being hurt....  It fears hurting others - failing others....

and the two sides fight. I want to give up, but I have to fight. I don't care if I win, but if I lose I'll break. I don't know how to fight, yet part of me screams that I must.

And yet, I don't really feel anything. Not often. A flash of anger occasionally - but it's here then gone. It's just....Surrender. There's no point.

"For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come must give up pause."

I can sit down and tell anyone that they matter, that they're priceless. That life isn't so bad. But I can't sit myself down.  And how many others have I failed then? If I can't convince myself of that, how do I convince another....

But there's....a buffer. Between me and any feelings. I will regret this in the years to come - maybe, if I ever get well - but now? I can't care. I hid my scars so they're easy to repeat and shield - I moderate my speech to hide what I'm thinking, I try to do school and work - but grades? They don't matter.

Nothing matters.

Everything matters - and I can't do anything about it.

Feeling sick, as if a weight is pressing down on my, on my stomach.

Nothing hurts enough. I want to hurt someone. I want to hurt them until I hurt - and I can't bring myself to do that. I hurt myself then, hold myself back.

Better never to hope than to hurt.  And yet, that's not true. At least if I tried then I'd KNOW I couldn't have suceeded, rather than be haunted by the 'what ifs'.

How does one tell what's real and what's not? how does one tell if the fear and the hate and the nothingness is earned or not? How does one tell if anything is half as bad as one thinks?

I certainly can't. I never could.

But if I just tried harder. If I just worked more. If I was just more obedient. If I followed God's will. If I kept hope. If I wasn't so cynical. If I was more helpful and supportive. If I wasn't such a liar. If I wasn't so messed up.

If. If. If. If. If.

Stevenson wrote a poem titled If once....

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, or watch the things you gave your life to broken, and never breathe a word about your loss, if neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them 'hold on'.

That's a bunch of separated lines of course - but it does sum it up. if. If I were better, stronger, more in control of myself.

AND I KNOW I CAN'T DO IT!!!  I've tried and haven't tried - but I don't know how to give up either.

But, dear Reader - do you know what the worst part of this is?

I'm not an idiot. Certainly, I'm not so good at interacting with the modern world, and I can be incredibly flighty and scatter brained, and I can't remember anything - but I'm not a total idiot.

When I watch films or series, it has to be complicated. If it doesn't have enough in it to occupy my mind, I go crazy and get incredibly bored and start nitpicking and tearing apart the production. I do the same in life too - just not audibly.

I look at the world from history, and from observances. When I do the same thing, I notice it in others.

She has deeper scars that I, and I can see them. And she's hiding more. And I'm terrified that one of these days I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to find her on the ground. I'm afraid she's either going to make a mistake and cut too deep, or that she'll do it on purpose. and I'm going to be too late to do anything.

I know myself. And I can see myself in others. 

And that scares me to death.

Come Little Children - Listen to my Madness

"Alive, and unharmed."
"Must you qualify your requests?"

There was another picture of Illya lying in the middle of the road, but I got bored of wading through pictures from the remake.


No! But that quote actually fits in quite well! Because: 'who's your favourite character', 'what's your favourite movie', 'what's your favourite book', 'what's your favourite school subject', 'what's your favourite season', 'who will you side with in Civil War' - oh! And you can only choose one!!

Must you qualify your requests?

It's all very well and good for that question with the limitation of 'only choosing one' to be asked to those that have a definite preference above and beyond all - but what about us poor people that don't have total favourites?

Besides, in real life, who has better favourites in friends?

Actually, don't answer that....

But that aside.

AND I REMEMBERED TO EAT SO DON'T ASK AND YES I'M SURE AND YES IT WAS TODAY!!!

I digress.

Tony Stark really is such an interesting character. At first glance, of course, he's abrasive, rude, spoilt, uncaring.....  He's not someone anyone should look up to or really be loyal to except in self-preservation given he can be rather vindictive.

And I've not seen his films in ages, so pardon any liberties and major jumps in logic I take: I'm merely applying my observances of others in like situations and backgrounds to him.

He's not happy. He isolates himself, and probably always has. Perhaps he had some childhood friends, but there's a good chance that it didn't last long. He's smart, so smart - he needs challenges.

He lives in a rich house. From what I know from the films, it was hardly happy. He would have learnt of the pitfalls of money - would have seen the traps people would fall into. He was smart enough to learn how to best avoid them. For whatever reason, he's pragmatic at best. Subconsciously most likely.

He's incredibly flippant - completely uncaring. Oblivious to social conventions. Uncaring about the feelings of those around him. He is fine, always fine, nothing matters - he's fine so everyone else is too. A few words can fix everything and he just keeps going.

That's my main complaint with him really. He just...untouchable. Nothing changes him.

It's not really done intentionally anymore. It's been cultivated for so long so to be automatic, and he's forgotten how to be anyone else. But he knows it's different; and when he does let people close or have people he WANTS to let close.....  He's at a disadvantage, and he employs it even more.

My other complaint with his films is that the first half is always some great....temper tantrum of sorts??  I know. He's dying in the second. I actually liked the third. First....It still gave that impression. Don't know why....

But who likes to live behind a mask? Self-cultivated or imposed by force.....  Who'd want to keep going forever. Everyone has feelings, even if they can't identify them anymore. Where'd I run across that.... Irrelevant.

He was so reckless and careless at the beginning of the second, and he was dying.

It reminded me of the beginning of the first.

I think he hoped that his luck would run out. But he knows that there are some people that miss him, and he can't bring himself to make it other than an accident either. He won't let them blame themselves for that.

And then there's Jarvis too......

Tony is pragmatic. He knows he cannot trust himself, so he follows strong standards. Well, as in, not really his own. For instance: Justice.

I saw a poster for Civil War somewhere, and it gave Stark the side of 'justice' and Rogers the side of 'freedom'.

Granted, the film is beingput out by a secular modern culture, so I'll wait until I see the film to judge on that - but it makes sense.

Tony is pragmatic. To a point. Although he made Ultron, I don't think he's really so foolish as to believe the world could ever be completely at peace. I think Ultron was built more to protect against aliens and space or supervillains - not politics and suchnot.

Rogers on the other hand....  He knows it's not possible, but he also believes that anyone can change and he can still hope for a better world. Not perfect - but better.

That the main thing they're different in. Tony doesn't really hope for bigger things, while Rogers can't help it.

It's more likely I'm just reading into it things of imagination. As I said, I've not seen the films in a while and I wasn't in the habit of automatically characterising people when I saw them. I've changed in that - but I'm hardly good. I just enjoy learning and observing.....

Besides.

But, why are they even pairig them off??  And why are almost all of the Avengers in a Captain America film? And why am I the only one that is looking into this - where are my family members that know more about modern culture than I could hope to assimilate?

Oh, wait. They're still stuck on Star Wars.

I'm going to leave this now. This is a mess.

Although, I do need a new project. Especially given that I really need a new dress for Fourth of July. Yes, I'm aware it's months off - but I have to gather everything. First. And! Look what I found!!

I found it while trying to find a generally similar pattern to one of Peggy Carter's dresses, and the pattern for Dottie's hair. I can't recall where though, so....

But since I've almost finished crocheting my vintage triangular shawl, I need a new project. Given figuring out how to crochet an Eldarian or Gondorian blanket seems to expensive and hard right now - circles should be easy! But I can make a small-ish pillow, and then crochet a matching, circular afghan! Probably only one-sided for that though.

And either they are incredicbly good at heated curls, or they actually set hair in pincurls for Agent Carter. Obviously, they set Peggy's hair once for the show - but the styles actually look well done. Sadly, no tutorials for brushing pincurls out like that yet. *Sighs*

The only thing I can find close enough is that her hair looks like Dottie - wrong one. Dottie Underwood's formal hair in that scene looks a bit like Rita Hayworth's. The curls on the side are much the same. And they stayed shape either before or after (depending on when this was taken) tugging a t-shirt over them to get into costume.

.....there aren't instructions that I've found for brushing those like that either.

Probably in one of those books I can't get...  *sighs*

And those lovely combs in her hair!!  Oh, I am so jealous of the past.....

And the costumes-! Oh, I love the costumes.....  Adore them, really. 

I do need to figure out how to cut that neckline though for my cocktail dress. Sewing would be so much easier if I had ANY patterns to work off of....Of course, I'd not cut any slit in the dress that high up (when you take into account that all waistlines sat generally at the natural waist rather than the hips.....) - but the rest of it!!  I hate modern fashion....

I really need to go watch the next series of Agent Carter - I quite miss it. And Dottie comes back!!  *Grins* She's fun.

And Jarvis! And Carter, of course. ....and maybe Thompson won't be so bloody infuriating?

And that above is why I love the series besides the setting and subject.

I'm aware that basically boils down to : I love everything about the series.

And why does Besame have to cost so much??  Who pays twenty dollars for one item of makeup? That is ludicrous.....

But it's so beautiful....

OH! And another request for the series: JARVIS NEVER EVER EVER EVER IMITATE AN AMERICAN ACCENT EVER AGAIN SERIOUSLY JUST DON'T!!!

Although, if one couldn't act, the next best job would be to work on costumes for a period production. Honestly. That would be immense fun too.  Perhaps not AS much, but still.

Speaking of spy films, I need to finish Agents of SHIELD too....  Oh well. Someday. Agent Carter is better anyway.