I'm OK

So obviously I'm in a great mood.

And you know what, I'm just going to have a pity party here because I really hate it. When I post the next picture, the really whiny pity party will be over - feel free to skip. Actually, please skip. I am venting and you don't need to be burdened with this. Thanks. Bye.

What is wrong with me? What is so bad about me that no one comes close? I mean, I know I'm loud, I know I'm irritating, I'm depressed, I'm.... Everything about me. I just want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me and really want me. For my body, for my mind, for my humour - I don't really care what.

I guess I want to be popular. Just for once, I don't want everyone to give me that look that is just 'you're weird and just wrong and we'll just back away slowly since you are just wrong'. I hate that look, that feeling. I hate being passed off, sneered at. I hate being unable to relate. I hate me.

What is so wrong about me? Why can't I be wanted? why can't I have friends? Why can't I do any good? Why is my voice so painful - why does my singing irritate everyone? Why do I have to be so abrasive?

What is so wrong with me? Why can't I be liked? Why can't I be wanted?

I just want to be good, and liked, and wanted. I just want someone to want me, to care about me. I want someone to put me first.

Not likely to happen is it.....

So my pity party is over but now I am out of things to say.....

So I've been catching up with Doctor Who again - probably won't watch the next series of course but! For now I am thoroughly enjoying the Twelfth.

And by the way? WHAT IS IT WITH COMPANIONS BEING CONVERTED TO HORRIBLE THINGS AND BEING UNAWARE OF IT WHY ARE WE TORTURED THIS WAY???

Spoiler alert, I suppose.

And. Oh. My. Word.

The Christmas special was awesome!!!!!! So very - oh it was awesome. SPOILER ALERT!!!! SKIP TO THE NEXT GIF TO AVOID!!!

One and Twelve and Lethbridge-Stewart and a happy ending and did I mention One was there???? Oh it was.....I was in love. He does such a good job bringing One back to life - I love it. And after the last Regeneration episode I watched, this was a definite treat - it actually had any sort of plot!!!! *Groans* Matt's regeneration episode was horrific.

So this was at least really good. I wants it now - I wants it, my precious!

....unfortunately, that means I'm all caught up on Doctor Who again and I only have the girl left and I cannot express my nausea with that casting decision. She was great as Lethbridge-Stewart's granddaughter - why are we ruining her?????

And I finally finished my newest outfit!!!!! Black and white checked material in a circle skirt and a bolero jacket, and I even made a rose choker to go with it. I edged the jacket in black lace, and I want to do the same for the skirt now, even though that would be a ton of lace. But it would look so much better than now. I didn't have the patience to properly hem it so I did it with machine and oh, how i hate how that looks...... But circle skirts have so much yardage at the hem, and this has almost twice as much on accident......

But I might just drop the money so it can be properly finished. I'll post a picture of whatever I do the next time I wear it. Or, well, the first time I wear it, I guess.

And I just love pinning yards of lace on things, I really do. I mean, when people ask me, "Wow. How did you make such an awesome dress without a pattern?" I can reply, "Blood, sweat, and tears - no, really, that's how i made it. Tons of blood from when I stabbed needles into my fingers, tears from after, and sweat as I tried to keep the bloody lace in place as I sewed. Seriously - why does Snow White's mother get so worked up? It's basically impossible to keep blood out of sewing projects!"

Nope, I'm not overdramatic at all.....

I had always thought this was from a sad film....

Anyway! Have fun with life, I'm going to go endeavour to make it through another day.

Auf weidersehn!

Dalmations or Spots or Posts?

So I didn't realise that my last past was my one hundredth post - so here is my hundred and first!

Actually, I am just writing because: I finished my book!!! I mean, like, I actually sat down to write a book and I FINISHED IT! It has a plot and character developement and.....I can't believe it. Two hundred and fifty pages and I am in shock. I finished it. It took a while what with the formatting, and the ending might be really rushed but...... Well, given I plan to add an entirely new arc to the middle of the book, I'll have to rewrite the ending anyway.

But still. I am the person of a hundred ideas and a thousand worlds and a million characters and not a single finished story. So what if this story is originally fanfiction? So what if it is a Christmas present that is hopelessly late? So what if I will have to change all of the names? I don't really care - I am just ecstatic that I actually accomplished this. I mean, I finished this - maybe I can publish it! Maybe I can actually publish a book! Maybe I cando what I have always wanted to do! I mean, yeah, sure, it's not like I'll be famous - but I don't care. I will have a book.

Also, yes, apparently I am celebrating my one hundred and first post with the return of my gif game.

Huzzah! I, at least, missed it.

Alright, alright, yes - back on topic.

I really wish I weren't so excited about this. I just want this happy feeling to last - this hope to last. I don't want to deal with more disappointment now.... I just want to bind the book for my friend, and then edit the digital copy, and just pretend that I can make a cover and publish a book and people will like it.

I mean, come on - I write about womanising and trafficking and torture and rape.....I don't exactly have a wide circle of friends who will enjoy that. Or be allowed to read it, for that matter.

And sure, yeah, I plan on publishing a first edition that is cleaned of that plot point, but I mean.....

The fact that I can use that gif ought to say a lot...

But I mean really - what would ever be my audience? My friends?

And the strange thing is that this book is that is nothing like I ever wanted to write. I never wanted to write a romance book, or a spy book - I always shied away from anything set on Earth. I wrote fantasy - I twisted myths to fit my imaginings. I was never supposed to write....this.

But here it is. And it isn't horrific. It's alright. And it is done. Honestly, that alone is a stupendous acheivement. Sure, it's not actually published yet - but it's started. I started it, and finished it. I had the intention of writing a novel, and i actually did it. I DID SOMETHING!!!

....and now I just realised that I don't actually have a title for the book. I've been calling it 'book' for all this time, the 'Cass/Karg book'.... Darn it. I can't title!

I'll just have to ask everyone who reads it for title ideas.

Along with everyone else.

And think up a list of questions to ask everyone that reads it.

Figures.

Ooohhh! I had another point and now i've forgotten it, darn it.....

Oh wait, I remembered!

So, a question for anyone reading this: what is your opinion on copywrit, the lapse thereof and things going into public domain? I'd love to hear it! *grins*

The Greatest Show

....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.



Oh, boy.

My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.

That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.

The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.

And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.

Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!

Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.

Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.

Literally.

It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!

"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."

No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.

And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!

No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.

You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!

But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.

You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."

Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...

I get off work! I get my weekend.

We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.

Which reminds me of  a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.

I want to do something for Christmas.

Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.

Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.

I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.


So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.

Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....

Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.

So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.

You just have to remember that on the bad days.

Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.

On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.

I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....

But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.

I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.

But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.

And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....

I don't know what to do.


Merry Christmas!

So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.

Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.

I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....

I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.

It was awful, and I want to fix it now.

I haven't a clue as to how.

So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.

Premonitions

So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.

Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.

Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.

Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.

I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.

And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.

Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.

Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?

Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.

"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.

Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....

I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.

What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?

I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.

Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.

This Is Getting to be a Habit...

Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?

Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*

I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....

I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."

yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....

I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.

So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?

Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?

This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.

It's all so pointless.

Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.

You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?

I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.

Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.

Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?

I just want to live. I just....I want to live.

EDIT

I found this song.....

Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....

I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why.  I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.

And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.

What can I do?

My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?

Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....

I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.

I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...

Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.

i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....

I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....

I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....

i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.