The Road That's Taken

Alright.

So technically I have another Writer's Camp post I need to post now (why am I never notified until the next day about those things??) but.... This has been bouncing around in my head for a few days.

Also.

.....happily ever after???   Where am I supposed to find that??  *sighs*

I know I annoy people. I know I burden people.

I am so sorry.

But when I look back on my life, when I look at where I am now and where I've come from....

I've always enjoyed tracing things. Strategy, clues, mysteries, thoughts, plots, history, wars, culture....  I love to trace things through time - to see what effects were left behind - to see how MUCH of a difference was made.

The Treaty of Versailles. The Glorious Revolution. The Ninety-Five Theses. Captain John Smith. Sherlock Holmes. Caesar Augustus. Cyrus the Great. Abraham. Potiphar's Wife. Thomas Jefferson. Jules Verne. Walt Disney.

Little things. Big things. People. Ideas.

Ripples in a pond. Events flowing out to move other things - paths taken that can never be undone. Were they mistakes? Were they triumphs? Were they regretted? Were they spoken of proudly?

In the end, it doesn't matter. What's done is done and we are left with a world shaped by the decisions of others. Shaped by the mistakes of others.

Things are rarely isolated events - we aren't creatures in petri dishes, kept as idividual variables or control subjects. We aren't being observed - catalysts for others or reacting to catalysts ourselves. We aren't in a science project.

This is life. We ARE catalysts I suppose - every action of our own affecting others.

Do we put up a fandom hairstyling how-to on our blog? Do we publically state what we believe? Do we host a blog party and make it available for guests? Do we read tis book or another? Do we learn new songs? Do we watch one type of movies or another? Do we care about what we write or is it just words? Do we take care of ourselves, or is our body just a method of transportation? Do we do our best to learn or is the mind useless?

Our choices affect others. Maybe not obviously. Maybe not in ways we can see - but it does.

Is it the person that admires your clothes and your bravery in wearing them in public and decides to imitate you? Is it the person that looks at your writing and decides that the example you set forth is something worth living out? Is it the person that looks at your drawing or hears your singing and decides to show their talent?

Maybe it's not immediate people. Maybe it's people in later generations. Maybe it's your children, your cousins, your neices and nephews, children of strangers passing you in the street....  

We don't know the impact we will have - the grand extent of our reach.

And so back to my original point.

There are parts of me that are so....part of me that I don't know what I would be without them. My love for vintage and all things old. My love for beauty and elegance. My love for the untold stories - for the underdog. My love for answers and mysteries and truth. My love for helping others and making them happy.

There are things I'm struggling with now, that I'm interested in now, that I'm learning about now that....I very likely wouldn't be at all if I weren't already predisposed to certain...characteristics.

If I hadn't grown up reading only unabridged classics because they were the best books we had, would I like history as much? Would I like old things so much?

If I hadn't grown up watching spy and vampire movies where the woman is fatally beautifully dangerous, would I like morbidity and elegance so much? If I hadn't grown up on movies from the Fifties and Sixties, would I have an inclination to the Vintage eras?

If I hadn't grown up telling and 'acting' out stories with my sister all day because we had no good or new toys, would I find weaving stories and worlds as easy? If I hadn't grown up being taught to lie because the truth wasn't acceptable, grown up watching spy movies where no one told the truth, would I be able to twist and use words so well?

There are parts of me that I'm used to - that I barely remember when it changed. There are parts of me that I can clearly trace back to specific points, and there are others that are always so vague.

Coincidence? God's plan?

Does it matter?

This is who I am, who I've become.

The darkness, the brightness, the self-deprecation and hate....  The beauty, the love, the hope - all of this is me.

Am I in sin? Am I clinging to my brokeness? Undoubtedly.

But I won't be this way forever. I CAN'T be this way forever.

In a year, two years, five years - what will my choices make me? When I look back on this despair - what will it have brought?

...will I be here to look back on it?

I pray I will.

I will probably look back and call myself an idiot for the torment I've put myself through - but I pray I will find answers.

The choices I've made so far have brought me to this place - is it a mistake? It is a blessing? Is it a test? Will i know?

I pray more than anything else I'm not a pain to others - THAT is why I want to get better. Why I want to KNOW the truth.

....that's it.

This is really vague.

There's actually a really, really specific reason for this post but.....  Well, 'history' and 'gothic' will be your clues enough.

Some may say I'm 'silly' but....  Right now i can't help it.

It's silly, I know...

Thank you so much.