The Road That's Taken

Alright.

So technically I have another Writer's Camp post I need to post now (why am I never notified until the next day about those things??) but.... This has been bouncing around in my head for a few days.

Also.

.....happily ever after???   Where am I supposed to find that??  *sighs*

I know I annoy people. I know I burden people.

I am so sorry.

But when I look back on my life, when I look at where I am now and where I've come from....

I've always enjoyed tracing things. Strategy, clues, mysteries, thoughts, plots, history, wars, culture....  I love to trace things through time - to see what effects were left behind - to see how MUCH of a difference was made.

The Treaty of Versailles. The Glorious Revolution. The Ninety-Five Theses. Captain John Smith. Sherlock Holmes. Caesar Augustus. Cyrus the Great. Abraham. Potiphar's Wife. Thomas Jefferson. Jules Verne. Walt Disney.

Little things. Big things. People. Ideas.

Ripples in a pond. Events flowing out to move other things - paths taken that can never be undone. Were they mistakes? Were they triumphs? Were they regretted? Were they spoken of proudly?

In the end, it doesn't matter. What's done is done and we are left with a world shaped by the decisions of others. Shaped by the mistakes of others.

Things are rarely isolated events - we aren't creatures in petri dishes, kept as idividual variables or control subjects. We aren't being observed - catalysts for others or reacting to catalysts ourselves. We aren't in a science project.

This is life. We ARE catalysts I suppose - every action of our own affecting others.

Do we put up a fandom hairstyling how-to on our blog? Do we publically state what we believe? Do we host a blog party and make it available for guests? Do we read tis book or another? Do we learn new songs? Do we watch one type of movies or another? Do we care about what we write or is it just words? Do we take care of ourselves, or is our body just a method of transportation? Do we do our best to learn or is the mind useless?

Our choices affect others. Maybe not obviously. Maybe not in ways we can see - but it does.

Is it the person that admires your clothes and your bravery in wearing them in public and decides to imitate you? Is it the person that looks at your writing and decides that the example you set forth is something worth living out? Is it the person that looks at your drawing or hears your singing and decides to show their talent?

Maybe it's not immediate people. Maybe it's people in later generations. Maybe it's your children, your cousins, your neices and nephews, children of strangers passing you in the street....  

We don't know the impact we will have - the grand extent of our reach.

And so back to my original point.

There are parts of me that are so....part of me that I don't know what I would be without them. My love for vintage and all things old. My love for beauty and elegance. My love for the untold stories - for the underdog. My love for answers and mysteries and truth. My love for helping others and making them happy.

There are things I'm struggling with now, that I'm interested in now, that I'm learning about now that....I very likely wouldn't be at all if I weren't already predisposed to certain...characteristics.

If I hadn't grown up reading only unabridged classics because they were the best books we had, would I like history as much? Would I like old things so much?

If I hadn't grown up watching spy and vampire movies where the woman is fatally beautifully dangerous, would I like morbidity and elegance so much? If I hadn't grown up on movies from the Fifties and Sixties, would I have an inclination to the Vintage eras?

If I hadn't grown up telling and 'acting' out stories with my sister all day because we had no good or new toys, would I find weaving stories and worlds as easy? If I hadn't grown up being taught to lie because the truth wasn't acceptable, grown up watching spy movies where no one told the truth, would I be able to twist and use words so well?

There are parts of me that I'm used to - that I barely remember when it changed. There are parts of me that I can clearly trace back to specific points, and there are others that are always so vague.

Coincidence? God's plan?

Does it matter?

This is who I am, who I've become.

The darkness, the brightness, the self-deprecation and hate....  The beauty, the love, the hope - all of this is me.

Am I in sin? Am I clinging to my brokeness? Undoubtedly.

But I won't be this way forever. I CAN'T be this way forever.

In a year, two years, five years - what will my choices make me? When I look back on this despair - what will it have brought?

...will I be here to look back on it?

I pray I will.

I will probably look back and call myself an idiot for the torment I've put myself through - but I pray I will find answers.

The choices I've made so far have brought me to this place - is it a mistake? It is a blessing? Is it a test? Will i know?

I pray more than anything else I'm not a pain to others - THAT is why I want to get better. Why I want to KNOW the truth.

....that's it.

This is really vague.

There's actually a really, really specific reason for this post but.....  Well, 'history' and 'gothic' will be your clues enough.

Some may say I'm 'silly' but....  Right now i can't help it.

It's silly, I know...

Thank you so much.

From the Ashes a Fire Can Be Woken?

I didn't watch any of the video because I don't generally like watching people - but the first part....

I finally got around to listening to this.

Life is a funny thing.

It's a terrible, wonderful thing.

I go through...phases. Moods. Anyone that's talked to me (or read through this blog, or my stories, or has any contact with me for any period of time....) is aware of this. Is aware of the predominent one. Is aware of the....surviving ones.

There's a few main ones: overwhelming hopelessness and terror, joy, numbness, and clarity.

Hopelessness and terror are the primary ones it seems.

The times at night I wake up from a nightmare, from the sickening assurety that I did NOT want to die just then. The times I looked in the mirror and knew with a certainty that I had absolutely no worth, no value - that I was only good to be an example of what NOT to be for others. The time I prayed and praised and felt only that I was falling, falling, falling....

Lost.

Hopelessness and terror and doubt and fear and overwhelming worthlessness and emptiness. Loneliness. Drowning alone in a crowd of people.

How often have I felt this way? How long have I felt this way?

Long enough that I thought it would be forever. Long enough that I had no idea how to get out - if I could get out. If maybe I was just made this way.

....it was a funny thing about a month ago: it all. went. away.

In some ways? It was relieving. Amazing. I was....free, light, hopeful - alive.

In most ways it made it worse when I crashed again. When I woke up again to feel those venemous fingers clenching around my heart and mind.

Then there's clarity.

There are two versions of this: there's the version that goes hand in hand with the despair, and the version that goes along with the emptiness.

Clarity often is the same as emptiness.

It's not so much 'emptiness' as it is 'numbness' - the silence of the voices inside of me, the anger and doubt and fear inside of me. I don't feel anything, I don't care about anything - I am....sort of at rest. Sort of.

....Clarity is that voice inside of me that is outside. The logical voice. The one that points out how much of an idiot I'm being. How much of a pessimist I'm being. How much I am CLINGING to my depression because I'm afraid of healing, afraid of changing. How much I am hurting those around me by insisting I am worthless, that I do nothing well, that they are being kind by complimenting me on anything.

Clarity is that voice that points out that that I complain about the same things repeatedly - that I struggle with the same things constantly. That points out that I burden people with my problems under the guise of looking for help but never actually ACCEPT the help. That points out I'm more comfortable being broken than I am not.

Clarity is the voice that points out that i want to be remembered for failing at least. For doing something on my own. Clarity points out I want to be NOTICED. Listened to. heard.

If it is with my death, so be it.

Of course, as that distanced voice points this out - speaks tinged witht he negativity and regret and fear and hopelessness that I've fallen into, wrapped myself in - I only fall further into darkness, knowing it's true.

And then there's the Clarity that stands outside of it all and sees that I'm just running myself down to the ground - caught up in an infinite downward spiral that's destroying me.

I'm self-destructing.

Part of me wants to heal.

Part of me doesn't want to be made well.

Part of me knows it's not hopeless yet.

Part of me screams that it was hopeless the day I was born.

When you talk to me? When you get caught up in one of those nights when I'm screaming at myself and I pull you down into the maelstrom I've built inside myself? When you get left on the recieving end of listening to my same complaints over, and over, and over again? When you have to hear me apologising for apologising for smiling?

I'm listening. I'm listening so very, very desperately.

I don't have anything left to lose anymore, really.

I'm listening.

Part of me is screaming. Hates myself for hoping. Hates myself for listening. Hates myself for burdening you with myself.

Part of me is quiet. Part of me won't shut up - won't go to sleep. Part of me remembers what you say - turns it over and over, thinks about it - builds up one little brink in the bridge out of here. Builds up one more thread in the rope I pray will lift me out of myself.

Joy.

I had joy once.

I was a child once. Happy.

....I'm not a child anymore. I haven't been for a very, very long time.

I learnt to depend on myself. I learnt to not trust anyone. I learnt to not love. I learnt to doubt. I learnt to not believe in fairytales.

I was so empty all of the time - so distanced from myself. Broken, but I didn't know why. Then I was in a play that was basically an allegory of sorts for the salvation story.

Since then I've felt. Maybe it was acting. Maybe it was the act of reaching into myself to find emotions again so I could act them out. Maybe it was it was just stress shattering another piece of myself.

So now I trust without wanting to. I love expecting to get crushed. I believe knowing it will come to nothing. I dream even while i say dreams aren't real.

I'm looking.

Desperately, hopelessly, hopefully.... I'm praying at an empty sky, believing in something that's never worked before. I'm torn between two truths - torn between what I've been taught is true and what is true.

I'm torn between truth and lies. between what I've known and what is. Between death and life.

But I'm listening. I'm trying. In the stillness I hear. I'm lost - falling; but I'm listening.

So when you talk? I'm listening. When you teach me? I'm learning.

It feels like I'm going against every single particle of myself.

But I'm listening.

You are invaluable. Your words are treasured.

Sokrovisha.

Krasivayusha.

Korosha.

I'm believing in a fairy tale because there's nothing else. I'm believing in the lie becuase what's 'true' isn't really. I'm believing in others because I can't trust myself.

So forgive me. Please.

I'm believing a game because it's all I've known and because there's no other choice.

I'm sorry.

(This is written in one of the moments of clarity......in one of those moments when I'm quiet.)

"Originality is Undetected Plagiarism."

My Inspiration This Time....

As tempting as it would be to simply fill this post with quotes - that would...rather defeat the purpose. Sort of. I still probably will - but I'll at least make an EFFORT to be...original.

Yes, that was intentional.

I'm not original. I'm not a good writer. There are so many more better writers than I that to attempt to compare myself to them, or to consider myself a writer at all seems almost presumptuous. Actually, it sounds incredibly presumptuous. And yet I do. Daily. I might not believe I write well - but I believe I am a writer.

Why?

What makes a writer?

As the original poster wrote: why do people write?

Why?

To tell a story? To shape a character? To build a word? To bash on someone? To get control of something?

Why?

That is the question...

There are two foundational things I learnt about writing: write what you know, and show - don't tell.

Write what you KNOW.

What is true, familiar, real, tangible to you. What is integral to you.

Most books have a meaning. Most GOOD books have a meaning. (Children's books don't count....) So no matter what one's intentions are in setting out to write a story, one will eventually set forth a theme. A meaning. A message.

Hannah Joy summed it up MUCH better than my rambling attempts did: write the truth.

Write what is real, what is foundational. Don't whitewash things, deny uncomfortable or controversial truths – just write. If you're writing – you've got a story.

TELL IT!

If you have a story begging to be told, pulling from everything you see and feel, pouring out of you whenever it has the chance – tell it. Don't care what it's inspired by, don't care what it's similar to – just write it.

There's a reason stories repeat through the decades. There's a reason some themes never grow old.

Truth...doesn't fade. And that's what we should write – that's what writers should tell. They should paint the truth. Write it blatantly, write it subtly, write it in greyscale, write it in technicolour, write it harsh, and write it soft.

It doesn't matter how you tell it - just tell it.

Writers have a responsibility in a way. So often, people read books to escape. They read books to cope. They read stories about knights and princesses and escape their lives for a time. They read stories about families and battles; and they take the lessons learnt back with them into their day to day lives.

I'm a child. I complain about things I know not. I complain about love, and companionship, and friendship, and salvation, and faith, and fantasy - I complain about truth. I am a child. I deny it. I mock it.

I deny what I fear, what I don't expect. I deny it so that I don't get hurt when I don't get it. I'm a child – fearing change.

So I deny love and romance because all I see is the shallow, physical medium; and I understand that I am not good enough to merit anything deeper. And I don't want the world's 'love'. I don't want the world's friendship that is self-serving. I don't want the world's truth that is changeable and dependent on itself – on circular reasoning almost.

But I deny fairytales. I deny the love and friendship's I long for because I don't want to expect something that won't happen. I don't want to expect something that will just pass me by.

And yet I still believe in it. Yet I still long for it.

I just...choose to deny it. To push it away rather than....wanting it.

I suppose in even REALISING what I am doing, I'm failing at denying it but....

Does it hurt less to long for something you don't think you're good enough to get; or to go through the world cynically insisting that that what you long for doesn't exist? Which makes more sense? Which is right?

...So this post got completely off-track....

Anyway!!

Back to the responsibility of a writer.

By the way. I have ALSO failed in not filling the post with quotes.....

There have always been stories. Folk tales, oral tradition, legends, myths....

"And some things, that should not have been forgotten, were lost...."

Sorry. Too perfect.

Children read stories. They read them and learn about kindness, obedience, love, family, trust - all good things. They learn as much - if not more - from stories that they do from the example of the world around them. To children, a story is often more REAL than the world around them.

made by Angelique

Children see creatures in the closet, beasts beneath the bed, monsters moving the moon... Even without reading fiction, without hearing fairy stories, children have an imagination. Children are born able to see what isn't there - to tell stories of their own.

Some are better at stories than other. Some are better at imaginings.

"Train up your child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Just because children have to go to school, just because they stop talking to their imaginary friend - it doesn't mean they stop reading or they forget the stories.

(Think of the creepiest story you've heard and TRY to tell me you forget stories.....)

The difference between a fictional role model and a real person is miniscule - many time, a 'real' person, is dead and so exactly the same as a fictional person. Everyone chooses someone to look up to. Everyone chooses someone to imitate. Everyone chooses someone to serve and to love.

Even if it is just subconsciously.

But readers can look up to Valjean's utter selflessness stemming from the desire to redeem himself. They can look up to Denethor's desire to protect and glorify his country. They can admire Eustace's logical and grounded point of view on things. They can praise Jane's ability to see good in everyone. They can imitate Sgt. Renfrew's devotion to duty and fellow man at all costs.

They can condemn Boromir's actions against Frodo. They can detest Lizzie's pride. They can be disgusted at Marius' weak loyalty. They can rant against Stark's entire personality.

But they will choose one way or another.

And most will choose based on their life - on what THEY know.

So writers have the responsibility to the readers. Writers hold the key to a gate - they open the gate.

Why do we write?

To tell the truth.

We write to show the world the truth, what is real. We write to show them the REAL world.

Make it blatant, make it subtle - but put it in there.

There's a story I read once that introduced me to all of the rest of C.S. Lewis' books, as well as several other excellent stories. It was the story that....pointed me to truth. Literally.

"Meditation" in a Minor Key by Joe Wheeler.

It's about a concert pianist that doesn't believe in God, and his ex-girlfriend after she turns down his proposal because he's not saved sends him books. She sends him short stories. She sends him the Chronicles of Narnia. She sends him Pilgrim's Progress. She sends him Van Dyke's story The Mansion. She sends him the Space Trilogy. She sends him other books along the same order.

All Christian books. All illustrating God.

And in the end?

The books and the fiction stories and the fantasies did what nothing else could and brought him to Christ.

That.

That is why we write.

That is why we tell stories.

That is why we build worlds, why we breathe life into characters.

Words have power. More than we know sometimes.

I found this quote while looking for another one and....

Likewise, it's true.

Just as we write to show the world to others - we write to show it to OURSELVES!!

(Prime example: me. And my writing. And...how much I have learnt just from writing it out.)

And....I will leave it at that.

My poor rendition of my thoughts...

Thank you for permission!!

The Fire's Out but Still it Burns...

Darling, darling, darling....

First - I really have no idea what I'm doing. I copy the Reader in what she does first.....

 That being said - this probably would have been up Saturday, except....  Well, I got an idea for a series of pictures.

Why? Who knows - but it took me a day to make them. Well, a day to find time to make them - it only took me about two hours to make them....

Now, what kind of love do we look for in stories?

Well, auditorochka moy, gather round, da?

Let's see if this makes any sense or if it's another pointless rambling.

(Oh, it's gaurunteed to be pointless rambling - but nonetheless...)

made by Angelique Jane

I want accidental love. Two ships passing in the night on the same route that love each other out of convenience - out of acknowledgement that their lives will be easier if they love each other. I want love where they insist they're just friends and never realise just how intertwined they are. I want love where they are truly one flesh - where they move together so seamlessly that when one part is torn away the other is left desolate, unable to continue alone; forever scarred. I want love where they deny until the very end that they loved each other - but they both knew the truth even at the end, even unspoken.

made by Angelique Jane

I want love that's never returned. I want someone that loves too easily - that throws himself into emotions wholeheartedly, knowing full well just how much it will inevitably hurt. I want someone that has been through a rough life, but still wholeheartedly embraces love because of the small chance that he will find joy instead of misery. I want someone that gives out love without reserve. I want someone that never asks in return - that never expects in return; that denies giving out in the first place. I want someone that loves so much he'd sabatogue himself to protect the others from loving him.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that only loved once. That loved so fiercely and brightly and so against her will that she tore out her love and destroyed it. I want someone that never loves again - that killed part of theirself to get free. I want someone that would be the strongest companion if their love could be won - someone that is monogamous in attention and loyalty. I want someone that wears a mask for everyone, but would take it off for the one they loved. I want someone that will never be won, but would be a prize worth winning. I want someone that sees love as a game - that lost once and never loses again.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that falls in love. That wakes up one day and realises they're in love. I want someone that fits so seamlessly with their partner that when they realise they're in love they don't bother doing anything different because they've been living like a couple for a long time. I want a couple that flirts with everyone all of the time that they don't realise when their flirting with each other becomes more than flirting. I want someone that realised that their friendship long since deepened into something more. I want someone that realises they're falling in love - that recognises the slippery slope - and tries to fight against it, that tries half-heartedly to stop it. To keep from loving. I want a couple so oblivious to their interactions that when they finally get married it's not a surprise to literally anyone.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone who loved in order to survive. I want someone that should never have been able to love again - that should have hated and feared - that loves with more abandon all the more because they're broken. I want someone who loves in order to live - that realises they can't make it if they don't learn to love and joy and trust again. I want someone who is the kindest person in the world that went through the worst in life. I want someone who is a good parent, who is selfless and protective - that is understated and looks insignificant. I want someone that loves enough to make the hard decisions - that lives a miracle.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that loved and lost. That can't make love work but keeps trying. I want someone that lost so much they're afraid of losing again. I want someone that keeps going after failure because the sucesses keep her strong. I want someone that finally forgives, that learns how to love themself as well as others - that learns how to take care of themselves as well as the rest of the world. I want someone that still dreams of a fairytale even though they know better. I want someone that still waits for Prince Charming - waits for someone to save them rather than the other way around.

made by Angelique Jane

I want a fairytale couple. I want love at first sight. I want the man to rescue the girl. I want the runaway wedding. I want impossible dreams, wedding day jitters, first house, first car, first shopping trip, first pet, first child...  I want newlywed glee and old married couple spats. I want compromise and joy and disillusionment - I want doubt and fear and comfort and above all love. I want romantic dates, and moonlit walks - I want a couple so in love that the words are sugared and sappy in syrup. I want a love that's a fairytale, but is real. I want a love that never fades, only ages gracefully.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that doesn't believe in fairytales - that doesn't believe love works that way, that it's that easy. I want someone that loves viscerely, wholly - but only platonically. I want someone that is devoted to her friends and strangers, but doesn't believe in romance, in 'love'. I want someone that's seen enough of the world that they don't believe the movies and stories and songs are possible for everyone - that it's all a happy dream meant for everyone else. I want someone that won't challenge the status quo for fear of getting something worse. I want someone that wishes she could smother the little voice deep inside her that points out that it's not REALLY impossible to meet Prince Charming.

made by Angelique Jane

I want a family. I want a tie that overrulles everything else. I want a familial love so passionate that everything is permissable to protect the other. I want a love that means it's okay to steal and kill for the sibling. I want siblings that are everything to each other - that are each other's entire world. I want a love that puts the other first above everything, that means they can survive anything so long as they are with each other. I want a love that's inborn - that's as natural as breathing. I want a love that never dies. I want a love that's protective and fierce - dangerous to cross. I want a team that was raised up together - that shaped themselves to protect the other's weaknesses.

made by Angelique Jane

I want man's best friend. I want the animal that lays down his life for his master. The animal that protects the innocent. That turns against his master to do the right thing. I want animals that are priceless, that are one of a kind. I want animals that are born to love - animals that are hurt but come back stronger. Animals that are almost human in their interactions.

made by Angelique Jane

I want love that's never obvious. I want love that's in the little things. I want love that could be explained away as 'doing their job' or ' being a friend' or 'now one else was doing anything' or 'was bored' - but I want the little, meaningless things. I want the coffee made in the morning, the food set out at night, the bed made, the shower cleaned, the email's organised, the paperwork done...  I want love that's never spoke - that's taken for granted. I want love that's ignored, that's expected. I want love that everyone gives. I want love that's invisible - and all the more valuable.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that takes love for granted - that doesn't realise how much they are loved until it's too late. I want someone who thinks love is normal - that doesn't understand what hate is. I want someone innocent, hopeful young. I want someone that can never grow up - that can never contribute. I want unconditional love. I want love that doesn't care how broken the other is, how messed up and useless. I want love that loves because it can - regardless of rhyme or reason. I want love that makes no sense and just IS.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone that loves for the wrong reasons. I want someone who loves for the right reasons. I want someone that makes no sense and can't explain himself. I want someone who loves when it isn't safe to. I want someone that will do EVERYTHING for love, regardless of cost to himself. I want someone who has to reconcile his love with his principles - with his morals. I want someone who has to choose between love and duty, between love and life. I want someone that struggles with the choice. I want someone who makes the wrong choice. I want someone who makes the right choice.

made by Angelique Jane

I want someone who can't tell the difference between love and friendship - that sees them as the same thing. I want someone that helps others find true love. I want someone who takes joy in the joy of others. I want someone that loves others so much because it makes them happy. I want someone who doesn't care how he looks as long as he can cheer up someone else. I want someone who loves God so much he can't help but love everyone else. I want someone who lives to show God's love to everyone else.

made by Angelique Jane

What do I look for in stories? I look for life. Not just the fairytales. Not just the happily ever afters.

I never look for the happily ever afters. There will be arguments, losses, deaths.... Nothing lasts forever.

I want to see loyalty. Truth. Sacrifice. Compromise. I want to see shallowness and depth of feeling. I want to see obliviousness and experience. I want to see the defenders and the prizes. I want to see the princes and Queens.

I want to see Love in all of it's beautiful terrible, painful glory. I want to see the love that sent Jesus to the cross to die for strangers. I want to see the love that brought Jesus back. I want to see the love that shaped mankind by hand out of dust knowing full well what would come. I want to see the love that sent the Holy Spirit down to minister to man.

I want to see God's love.

Love is Patient

Love is Kind

Love does not Envy

Love does not Boast

Love is not Proud

Love does not dishonour Others

Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily Angered

Love keeps no record of Wrongs

Love does not delight in Evil

Love rejoices with the Truth

Love always Protects

Love always Trusts

Love always Hopes

Love always Persevers

Love never Fails

Zatknis, Darling...

A word of advice to the durak writing this post: the next time you know someone will be leaving? Why don't you wean yourself off of their constant company rather than going cold turkey? You know how you get. You know how you react. You don't need that.

.....but you're weak and you walked straight into the inevitable and you crashed and now you're trying to pull the pieces back together. Again.

Durak.

Zatknis.

It doesn't matter. I'll get over it. I don't have a choice. You'd just....think I would have learnt.

Basically.

On a side note, I adore Earl Grey tea.

Tea is a lot like a corset.


It's old, elegant, understated, ignored, comfortating, warm, and encouraging. It's flexible but strong - something that can't just be thrown together to taste right.



Boil the water, find the right size of cup, steep the tea the right amount of time (not too long or you can't reuse the bag....), add just the right amount of sugar or it's too sweet, add milk, add vanilla.... But goodness gracious - don't drink it before eating something sour!

For whatever reason, no matter how little sugar I add it still ends up tasting quite sweet. More so than anything else I eat. But in reverse, I also mustn't eat something extremely sweet or it tastes like barely flavoured water. Neither a good option....

But tea is comforting. Familiar. HOT.

 It's like a hug. Something calming, safe. Ever so safe.

That and it's the only thing that eases cramps but that's beside the point....

I want tea....

I had tea but I forgot about it due to escaping and....  Well, I put milk in my tea and it smelt SO good but I wasn't about to drink milk that had been sitting out for more than four hours....  So I will think longingly of it and try to justify making another cup.

And I have accomplished my weekly adventure of pincurling my hair.



It irks me to no end that there aren't more styling directions for more than Victory Rolls and Pageboys. What about those twists? Curles? Weird s-shapes that aren't Marcel Waves but are more poofy and look so good? What about the sculpted rolls and waves and curls that shape around the head and aren't simply 'brushed out'?

Great, so I figured out how to set and brush my hair - now I want to style it!

It annoys me.....

But my hair isn't fried so hopefully it will last again. Apparently too much baking soda dries my hair completely and then it's intractable. Terrific fun, I know....

For that matter, how many other blogs are there like mine? Hiding where no one finds them, just an author's musings - how many are there lost that have the directions I seek??

I can't decide if I want How to Marry a Millionaire or a record player more right now....

Or a vintage wardrobe but THAT'S not happening.

....oops, wrong train of thought.

But a record player! All of my records are just sitting there, BEGGING to be played.... (That's and I'm incredibly curious as to just how much of them even play right...)

I just realised that 'incredible' literally means 'unable to be true'. I love dictionaries...

But back to pincurls - how did they keep them fresh?? Especially in the Forties. And the fifties. and just about any decade where the hair was longer than four inches.

Hair. Doesn't. Dry. Quickly.

It doesn't SET quickly. An hour at least, depending on how much hair they had, how thick, how they were setting it, and what era it was. And that's just to set - drying took much longer even if they had a hairdryer. Which would fry their hair so then it wouldn't set right anyway....

But long hair and gravity and pincurls don't mix! How did they keep them looking so fresh after a day or two?

In movies, I know they could just reset it - but then again, we're back to the 'drying' part....

AND NO ONE IS SHARING THEIR SECRETS!!!

It's a giant conspiracy....

I need to just go....stop. Stop thinking. Stop being....

I'll work myself to exhaustion, da?

Religion in Writing

Fitting timing, ja?

Anyway.

Religion in writing. And not mythology or just symbolism or some cliched words just thrown in for the sake of saying the religion is in there, or never outright saying it but implying: actually putting religion, belief, whatever you want to call it....  Actually having a person practicing a faith, practicing a belief - doing more than just lip service.

Two problems with this.

First? Most of my stories are set in a universe where earth (and thus Christianity as it is) does not exist. Where Jesus was never born, humanity never fell, and Calvary never happened. Of course, the peoples are still fallen and sinful - otherwise what would be the point of the story? - but there's....no afterlife. No salvation.

I had toyed with the idea of doing something like Lewis or Tolkien - putting the salvation story into the universe anyway. But THAT felt entirely too much like sacrilegious and just wrong. So for my fantasy world I used the stories to illustrate the morals rather than people living out the faith.

Which was sort of sad because I lost some very good characters in the process but....  I couldn't find a way around aliens and immortals clashing with Christianity.

Second? ....I. am. writing. criminals. Murderers. How am I supposed to mesh THAT with Christianity??

Also. Between the fact that I'm searching for the exact truths behind my own faith, and because the faith my characters would practice is NOT what I've grown up with – this makes it a little difficult to write it into it....

But in the Mafia Universe, I don't have an excuse anymore to not include religion. The world is a little skewed for our earth – but the core events are the same. History is largely the same. Faith is the same. Truth is the same.

So humanity fell in the Garden, Jesus was born, and Calvary happened, and salvation was given.

How do I include this? How...do I work this in? But keep my characters the same? Because in not giving them religion, I am condemning them to hell and it doesn't matter that they're fictional characters I...don't want to do that.

But at the same time.....

And, of course, the stories ARE set on earth. I deal with everything else that I know of or believe in - I should not leave out Christianity just because it's inconvenient to write and fit in. I deal with much worse subjects - the least I could do is include what I believe about God.

Terrible my own witness upon the subject might be.

Oh look - Variation of my General Rant!

So. Cliches.

No one likes cliches. Those that do are able to turn their mind off - or enjoy annoying those around them. I don't know.

Of course, also take into account that cliches have become so because they WERE liked so...  I supppose ever 'kill the cliche' prompt there is will become a cliche itself eventually. Life has a habit of doing that - repeating itself.

But that is beside the point.

Cliches. (I will stay on track - just you wait....)

Reading the starting post was...amusing. Also because a large majority of that I do myself. Annoyingly so.

I mean, not all of it obviously - but just because it's not a cliche for everyone else doesn't mean it's not a cliche for me. For instance, I might not go the obvious cliched way and shove romance into the story - but.....I also never write it. (Well, it's in my idea list, but it hasn't actually been written.... And so doesn't count.) I'd definitely avoid the obvious cliche of a teen with a destiny to save the post-apocalyptic world, but I have a really bad habit of giving my characters almost superpowers and intelligence.

My characters tend to repeat. I have trouble remembering to keep them separate - to write  a dumb character, to write a weak character, a greedy character, a indecisive character, an angry character..... I might not always go the most obvious way, but I have my own very cliched paths.

It annoys me.

I'm trying....  *sighs*  (and then people wonder why I don't think I write well.....)

I'm not going to write a whole list - I can find something wrong with just about EVERY written aspect anyway.

But I will address a few things.

STOP WRITING PREDICTABLE HEROES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good gracious!! Give them depth, flaws, mistakes, optimism, integrity, honour, chivalry, love, sorrow - BUT STOP. REPEATING. YOURSELF!

If you put the hero up against the villain, you had BETTER make sure the hero wins on his own merits and not JUST because he's the hero. If you give him a love interest, why don't you try NOT having any large relational issues due to his hero status?? Hmm?? If you give him a parent, let's have the death be on good terms and completely unrelated! Or not have the hero so overreact! I don't care!

Yes. I prefer the villains. BECAUSE THEY'RE GENERALLY MORE THOUGHT OUT! Well, that and I don't like or believe in fairtyale endings which is generally what the hero gets.....

People put thought into the villains, the antagonists. They realised that they were just writing cardboard cutouts and they corrected the cliche. Now it's become as bad as of cliche in the opposite direction.

And I suppose I write more antagonists than I do villains. Because there aren't supervillains in the world - people that just...are always evil. (Well, there are but, on the whole....) There is an AWFUL lot of grey area.

Authors

MLaw

lindahoyland

Sarah Newman

Christy Newman

Brandon Sanderson

Jane Austen

JRR Tolkien

C.S. Lewis

Lemony Snicket

Arthur Conan Doyle

Dorothy Sayers

Dr. Zachary Smith

Elenhin

Shakespeare

Off the top of my head I'll leave it at that..... And that's not in any order, just as I thought of them.

Because I don't know if I COULD  use his avatar...

MLaw: technically writes fanfiction, but good gracious he is VERY good. He's actually one of the people that shaped my writing, albeit probably more....subconciously than obviously. Most of his stories that I read focused on Ilya Kuryakin and Napoleon Solo from the Sixties television show Man from U.N.C.L.E. - moreso on Ilya than Solo. He took the characters and what canon their was, and explored what their history would have been in real life. Not making it up or picking and choosing - he researched Russian and the culture and the history, and built the characters using that. I do a poor description of his work... The stories explore the character and the friendship between Ilya and Solo. AND! No. Slash. Ever. I love it....  That's irrelevant....  *smiles* His stories were a pleasure to read for the characters, and for the history, and just for the well-shaped world. I hadn't watched the show yet when I first read his stories, so on their own merits, they were good.

and because I didn't want to use her avatar...

Lindahoyland: Fanfiction again. Yes, I know - not exactly countable; but still.... She...was not someone I expected to read and only found through another author. (Sue me, I have few new authors that don't repeat....) The reason I read her stories is because of a series she did in LOTR, building up the characters after the end of the book - building up the Gondorian characters after the end of the book. She focussed on Faramir and Aragorn and those surrounding them, and did a..several book series that explored Aragorn establishing his rule, Faramir and Aragorn's friendship, a betrayal for a good end, and the fixing and worth of trust. Again, poorly summarised. Her stories were surprising because LOTR is a fandom I generally steer clear of. VERY clear of. But I have reread her stories and they are well worth it. Again, focusing on friendship, and building the world Tolkien started - I really wish her stories were in paper form because....they're good. In my humble opinion.

because I didn't want to start in the middle of the series with a picture....

Sarah Newman & Christy Newman: I'm going to stick them together because they've cowritten a few books and I tend to just think about them together. I'm also going to go look up her name again because I've a feeling I'm misspelling it... Yep, I misspelt it. *sighs* Their books have been...interesting to read. They keep getting better and better with each new one. Basically every story focuses on friendship or family, and illustrates a Biblical verse or just salvation in general. That has even gotten added better in each book. Some of the books were exactly as I expected, others were carried through by the excellence of the characters, and others I found myself very surprised to have enjoyed. I find it very interesting where they set the stories - almost in another world, almost familiar....  It's easy to imagine. And I honestly can't decide if I like their cowritten or singly written books more - both have their pros and cons. Regardless, I can easily reread their stories and that's often all that matters.

Because this is the book I have and love.

Brandon Sanderson: If you have heard of the Alcatraz Smedry series then you are familiar with him. If you have not, go read it because you are missing out terribly. Are their cliches? I think the series is a satire of cliches. Literally. It has ....it is VERY hard to describe without spoiling. Suffice to say that it is NOT whatever you're expecting (that I can basically completely guarantee) and that it is hilarious and just...An absolute pleasure to read and I really need to find the rest of the series past the first book. But if you want a book sans cliches? Definite read that one.

Because Cushing's was NEVER RECORDED

Jane Austen: Mostly just makes this list because it's a romance book (Pride and Prejudice) but....I loved it. It was more about friendship than anything else - mostly because the 'lovebirds' hated each other through most of it....  But it was very well handled. And well-written, witty. It's....tasteful. It's tasteful. Not too cheesy although a satire in a way - but well done.

Because.

JRR Tolkien: First - did you expect him to NOT get on this list? Second - it was an exploration. it wasn't just a quest or a story focusing on a hero going on a quest to destroy an evil artifact to save the world: it was about people fighting to save their world. About failures and sucesses and in the end good wins. But everyone fought. (he's basically just an excellent author...)

 C.S Lewis: For whatever reason, I can only think of the Space Trilogy and Screwtape Letters now. Instead of a cliched story where aliens land on earth (he didn't agree with Wells....) humans go to space and mythology is mixed with the Bible and I ADORE that trilogy. Screwtape Letters is just creepy though.

Lemony Snicket: Oh, this one I cannot recommend enough. Unless of course you don't like extremely well-built weird worlds.... At which point do not read this series and go watch the happy elfe or Nick whatever his last name is in Grimm.  The Series of Unfortunate events is, in many ways, extremely predictable. But well worth reading just for the author's self-insertion if not the crafted world. Are there cliches? Undoubtedly. But Snicket is an author I've the feeling includes them on purpose. (Just read the back covers of his books at least - that's amusing enough!)

Arther Conan Doyle: Maybe he doesn't exactly count given he is the forerunner of his genre basically but.... I love the way he writes his stories. And Watson isn't a dumb companion either. He's intelligent on his own - just he's not Holmes. Both are flawed, even Holmes makes mistakes; and the stories study humanity. Not to mention, they're really cool characters and cases.

And Petherbridge is the best.

Dorothy Sayers: If you like ACD, you'll like her. If you like characters and mysteries, you'll like her. If you like Percy Blakeney, you like her's. Lord Peter Wimsey is a noble Roaring Twenties Sherlock Holmes. He solves cases in the most...foppish way, but hides the sharpest mind inside. He is a good man - broken in some ways, but he is a good man. (For anyone that gets sick of me saying I don't like romance, feel free to remind me of Harriet Vane and Wimsey. Because apparently I do enjoy romance. Just not...the cliche version of it.)

Dr. Zachary Smith: Another fanfiction authoress but....so. well. done. She writes in a basically dead fandom of Lost in Space and does these epic novellas with stories centering on Dr. Smith. They expand on his canonical character, taking into account the pilot episode and his character in the first series, and show his relations with the Robinson family in an excellent and not cheesy way.

Elenhin: ...fanfiction offers very, very good authors, alright? *smiles* She writes many stories, but her two best in my opinion are The Biggest Treasure and The Not Yet Requested Copy  The first was written to explore the character in The National Treasure as she pointed out that both protagonist and antagonist do the same. things. Just the protagonist suceeded. *rolls eyes* Anyway, she wrote a story exploring Ian Howe's character, and giving him a family, and a backstory, and it is a DELIGHTFUL story to read. And I love reading family stories where the parents are so good with children....  The other story started off as a oneshot where Faramir can speak Quenyan and makes a copy of a document for Aragorn before the King can ask him for it (she's the authoress that led to Lindahoyland), and ended up growing into a really long story of oneshots that show Faramir and other characters in LOTR learning earth languages, knowing obscure languages, and basically just discussing languages. I enjoyed it as well because of the insight it gives into the characters. Not just a bunch of languages - it shows friendship and personality and family. And addresses important issues like that NOTORIOUS item that DISAPPEARS from PLAIN SIGHT RIGHT when you need it. (No one knows what I'm talking about....right?")

Shakespeare: ....obviously. And in no case am I counting Romeo and Juliet ever. But the only cliche I can think of is that EVERYONE. DIES. Or there's about a million misunderstandings....  But no cliches.

So there you go. Some of the best authors I know and have actually read. I'm sure there's more - but I can't think of them at the moment.

.....and that, that is exactly why I want to hide my stories - because compared to them? Compared to even the girls that aren't as established or as well known as even Austen or Sanderson or Sayers? They all write SO much better than me. All I can do is try to imitate them. Hope someone enjoys my writing for all its flaws.

(....why is my music Christmasy now??)