Just Regain Your Sensitivity!

I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!

But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....

Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.

But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.

My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.

After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.

I don't know  how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.

My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.

And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.

I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.

The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?

I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.

Or at least in all of the cases I know.

How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....

It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.

and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?

How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?

And the Adulting Fun Continues....

Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!

Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.

So! Moving on.

Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.

Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.

I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.

I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?

Right. Therapist's orders.

I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.

And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.

Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.

And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!

I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.

But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.

This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.

It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.

I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.

I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.

And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.

But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.

Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.

Stand My Ground

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye

It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world

I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground

2015 - Lord of the Rings Blog Party - Day Five

This is the last of the Blog Party repostings from 2015. Now all of my posts are on this blog - thank you so much for your patience!

Free Day

Endorenna Utulien


The Valar, the Eldar, the Children of Men
Look back on a tale that's lost to all ken.
Their's is the lot to both learn and forget -
The wise men and jesters caught in the same net,
In a world, in a place that seems so much the same -
Similarities live only in name,
For some things as others often do appear:
The reason and stories lost to all who hear.


Riding in shadow, the Men of the West
Strive to protect life without thought of rest.
They are shunned by the ones for which they risk their lives -
Looking in on a world which unders their shield thrives.
From out of these shadows, a hope shall appear -
The healer, renewer, who banishes fear;
With a touch of his hands and the strength of his soul,
The King shall renew the life of his role.


Mounted on horses, on the wings of the wind,
The Rohirrim fight to redeem those who have sinned;
To strangle the poison that's filling their halls
To ride out en force to answer ancient calls.
Rustic and simple, with a strength that defies
The entangling darkness of Saruman's lies -
Simple in beauty, riding in with the dawn;
With a cloak made of starlight, the witch-slayer is gone.


Surrounded in comfort, ignorant of the night;
Of the fear that surrounds them - untouched by the fight
Waging outside their gardens, encroaching on their land;
Borne in amongst them by an unchanging hand.
The children of joy, dancing through spring;
Heedless of sorrow - of all evil things.
Yet winter shall come with destructive roar,
And the Shire that existed shall be seen no more.


Severe, wrapped in silver, and carved out of stone -
The city faces Mordor; it stands alone.
It waits for the Light to return to it's walls,
And weeps for the murder planned in its halls -
Brother against brother, and friend against friend:
The pull of the Stone will be everyone's end.
The fires are come and the city is lost -
'Though the battle be one, it comes at great cost.


The leaves sigh in passing as they fall to the ground -
The Wise fall in shadow, leaving no sound.
Will they stand by their allies that were long left behind?
Can they stand by in silence - can they truly be blind?
Majesty and sorrow meet in a war -
Their time is over; they are no more.
Mortals will watch as the First start to fade -
A promise is kept, and the price has been paid.


The Valar, the Eldar, and the Greatest of Men
Have shone for their moment and passed out of ken.
The Rings made in secret and the Ring made of gold
Have all long since fallen - their legend is old.
Is it all just a legend, are these lords none but tales?
Can we not walk amongst them over green hills and dales?
'Though all may have passed into myth and fantasy -
Yet these lives shall live on in words and memory.




Reflections at Mirrors


"May you have joy when you look on
The glass of Mirrormere."
But nevermore joy shall I know
For many years from here.


Oh Khazad-Dum, thou cursed thing
That stole our richest gem!
Thou thing of fire, night and death;
Unfit to touch his hem.


In Dwarrowdelf, we looked in awe
At mighty halls of stone.
He rose and sang of Durin's mirror;
The echoes fled, alone.


It is a tomb, Daeron's runes...
He read what the book said.
"Balin, the Lord of Moria,
Doth now lie here, dead.


"We cannot get out, they've taken the bridge
That's in the second hall.
We cannot get out, they are coming..."
How long until we fall?


'Ghash' means fire, what do they mean?
I feel it's getting hot.
He'll stay there to face the shadow,
But you and I cannot.


Oh Khazad-Dum, treacherous bridge;
You lead him to his death.
Oh Balrog fierce, whose whip was doom,
He wasted not his breath!


Mithrandir, the Grey Pilgrim;
Gandalf, the Wanderer.
Swift to anger, but ever kind;
The hidden conjurer.


You bid me have joy when I gazed
Upon fair Mirrormere;
But in the halls of Moria
My joy was stolen, I fear.

Hatanyel orenyallo! Namárië!

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. Casualties of war. Phrases from movies or books or songs. Ideas that are distant and across the ocean. Nothing that is real and personal.

Right?

So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?

ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....

So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.

throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.

Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.

What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?

It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....

I am tired.

I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....

I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.

I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.

Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.

I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....

I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.

I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.

I will be alright. Of course I will be.

I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.

"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."

Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.

Isn't that a lovely picture.....

Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.

Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.

We desperately need the prayers.

What Heroes Do...

So I got to see Thor: Ragnarok today. Brilliant. I love it. Totally. Wonderful. And maybe I don't hate Thor as much.

And Valkries!!! THEY HAD A VALKRIE!!!!!!! Oh, beyond perfect. Have I mentioned how much I love mythology - THEY HAD A BLOODY VALKRIE!!!!

Okay. Fangirling on that over. Try not to spoil all the best of the movie - EVERYTHING - so I'll move on to the point of this: post.

ah, Cate Blanchett... Actually, I've only seen her in like one other move? Not sure anyone else would possibly know this one..... It's just a sort of old movie - nothing big.

Nope. No similarities. DEFINITELY no more similarities between her two characters.

I mean, they're both epic, powerful queens who use their personal power to build empiric realms, love their capes and headresses, fight like hell.....

Oh. wait. Nevermind, they're a bit similar.

Of course. Maybe there's a reason. Anyone remember a certain speech?

"In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair!"

 Soooooo....what? Galadriel took the ring and became Hela? Hela loved Lord of the Rings too much?

 I loved, Hela, I totally did. Not the least because she will forever be Loki's daughter and I can't wait to see what fanfiction comes out of this but....seriously. That quote is now FOREVER going to ruin Hela.

 the age of the elf is ended. the age of the Marvel villain begins.