Every Starry Night, That Was His Design

Does anyone else love the night? Does anyone else love the stars? That vast, beautiful, dark, glittering canvas....

Now, there are two things about me: I've got a phobia of the dark, and I'm very nearsighted.

Obviously, when one loves the starry sky, these are both very large problems. Can anyone else imagine how? No? Really? Interesting....

My fear has gotten better. I've gotten good at just plain not. thinking. about it; but....  While I don't get pankc attacks just THINKING about going into the dark, if I'm out too long or think about it for too long (read: more than thirty seconds....) I react poorly.

What I REALLY hate about it is that it's not the DARK I'm afraid of so much as what the dark could be hiding. I know it's NOT hiding it - logic dictates that very often - and yet the terror persists. I blame it on horror movies seriously anyone that wants to become a parent don't let your toddler watch horror/suspense movies. Some things turn out alright, some things seriously don't.... (combine that with an overactive and fostered imagination....)

So, there's that. I've gotten much better in the last year or two but....no. Going into the dark is just...not happening.

Except to look at the night sky, of course. And not think about what murderous monster may be creeping up behind me.

I'm ALSO nearsighted. Very nearsighted. Not blind per se without my glasses, but I'm hard pressed to read or see anything. This is also a result of my childhood: I. read. too. much.

Generally at night. In the dark. To ward off monsters.

....and then I went blind but that's beside the point. (and again, not really blind just.....really bad eyesight.)

So! The night sky.

I didn't see it until I was thirteen about, when they finally had money to get me glasses. Up until then i could only see black - the stars were absorbed into the blackness. And the moon of course - but it was just a white light.

And it wasn't that i didn't know what stars were - I'd seen pictures on the internet and in books so I knew what the night sky should look like I just...never saw it on my own. I looked up at the night sky and saw...nothing. Sometimes on very clear, cold nights, if I strained, I could see Sirius or Betelgeuse or Rigel or Venus but.....never the whole SKY.

I knew it was up there, knew what it looked like, heard about it from others, could almost see it - definitely imagined I saw it - but.....  It wasn't real to me. I had no memory or experience with it.

And then I got glasses.

Now, glasses on their own are such irksome bothersome things and honestly up until I got them I truly believed I didn't need them and that everyone saw the same way I did.

When I couldn't read even the FIRST letter on the eye exam chart that.....notion was dispelled. Quickly.

So I had glasses.

And I. could. see.

Those of you who have had glasses might remember this but for anyone else just imagine you were blind and now you could suddenly see - that's what it was like.

Texture! Colour! Eyes! Facial expressions! (....interesting. That might actually be why I'm better at reading words than I am body language....) Trees! Dust! Wind! Clouds! Hair! Trees! Leaves!

Oh, the amount of things I just stared at, utterly in awe at the...clarity of the world around me. At the utter beauty and wonder and intricacy. It wasn't as if I had never seen it before per se - often enough I'd lifted a sweater or a hand to my eyes and seen all of the delicate markings upon them - but....I can't describe how it was. It was.....It wasn't even like a blurry picture coming into focus - it was literally as if the world was different. I had never seen it before.

I don't think I was born nearsighted, but I know I read enough that I don't remember NOT being near sighted. It was just...all washed out. All melting together. people's faces were flat, eyeless. Trees were just flat things of balls. Grass was just changeless green. (And oh boy was mowing fun before! Try not to miss patches of grass when you can't see the difference.)

But then I could see it. I could see the colour of people's eyes. I could see their microexpressions. I could see them fidgeting - could see scars and smiles and colours. I just....

It was beautiful.

Five or six years later now, the awe is commonplace most of the time. It's normal for me to see the world sharply.

But all it takes to remind me of the literally breathtaking wonder that surrounds me? Take off my glasses. And then put them back on.

To me, looking around, it's....amazing. So much detail, so much tiny things. So much so easily missed - what we see but don't observe.

Its amazing.

Now I had a point with this.

I'm a Christian. It says so in the 'about me'. I know most of the tenents, know most of the truths, know most of the arguments.....  I know what I believe and why, and i know how to prove it. I know my Bible and I know about faith.

Or at least I thought I did.

This was my parent's faith. This was what I was taught growing up. I honestly have no idea how I knew what I know I just sort of....did. That was that. Sometimes i had questions but I never really got into the history behind the reasons - I just accepted what I was taught as long as my parents agreed with it and...voila. My faith. And it made sense in the Bible! My parents believed it and they guided me!

But....it wasn't real. I knew there was a God out there. I knew he loved me. I knew that if I had faith I'd be saved. I knew that if I stayed in God's will he'd use me greatly. I knew that the Holy Spirit would guide me and talk to me if I just listened for the still small voice.

I was looking up into a beautiful sky that was so black for me. I heard about what others saw every day, I heard about what others thought was commonplace because it was always there for them, I saw pictures of what i should be seeing....  I read the Bible and talked to others more learned than I and I prayed and i had faith and I tried to stay strong through the storms and the silence and the sheer rebellion of logic and reason and i tried to smother the searching for answers....

I was looking up to a night sky and saying I saw stars because that's what everyone else saw and if I didn't see stars I was going to die forever. I was looking up into a black canvas and pretending that I saw beauty, and all along yearning to see what others saw - yearning to know it for myself.

In the last year or two, I started....researching. I gave up on my faith actually and started researching. I started from scratch.

It was more stories. More pictures. More hands pointing up at the black sky and extolling the wonders I should see.

But I could begin to see pinpoints. It was all black, sure - but I could start to see shadows.

And it's been sort of....odd, in the last week or so.

I'm starting to see the stars.

I'm looking up into that sky, that glorious sky, and I'm seeing wonders, stars, love. I'm seeing what others have seen.

I'm finally seeing it.

It's not always there. Sometimes the stars go out or the clouds cover them up but.....they're there. I know they're there now. I've seen them.

The analogy breaks down, sure...... But I love God, and I love the Night.

it's kind of funny - everyone knows the Man in the Moon, ja? It's in many children's stories and rhymes.

But I never saw it. Again. I couldn't even see it in pictures - that was something I literally always thought was a myth.

And then I got glasses and happened to look at the moon and...there was the man's face!!  As clear and as real as anything. So obvious I can actually see it without my glasses now.

And when I ran inside to tell my sister of this brilliant discovery, she gave me this look that so clearly stated that I was a blind idiot because of COURSE there's a man on the moon and how could i have ever not seen it before??

That's what I feel like with this. I want to share with everyone what I'm learning, what I'm discovering but....

"Of course! How could you have been so idiotic and weak as to have never seen it before??"

Civil War Remix - Tag! Again. Because I wanted to see if I could... And I feel terrible....

Alright. So I know I chose Steve's side. No, I'm not changing.

However. The party is technically done. So I'm...twisting some things.

That, and I realise that if something just...If Steve and Bucky didn't have that whatever it is that makes them preferable to Tony, I'd be on Tony's side.

And because in all honesty I don't know why I bother choosing 'favourite' characters. I always end up changing my mind and...

Sorry. It's annoying. It annoys me.

By the way. If you want me to change my mind about something - tell me to write a blog post. Apparently that works....

1. What is your favorite Iron Man movie?

Iron Man 3. I've never quite figure out WHAT annoys me about Tony but...it wasn't there.  I enjoyed the part where it was Tony that did the work - not the suit, Tony. And Tony's intelligence was showcasted basically and..  *Grins* I love his genius!!  And he just...makes up these things and takes down the security and...

I loved it.

2. When did you decide you loved Iron Man?

Oh boy.....

Welcome to the mess that is my head.

When did I love Tony? In the first five minutes of the first movie.

He's sarcastic, genius, dark....  The perfect character. Yeah, he was a playboy as he himself says but...I've liked worse characters and...that wasn't it. I've never really been figure out EXACTLY what bothers me about him. Over familiarity? Experience? The realisation that so much of the plot in the first and second films could have probably been solved if he just THOUGHT for a moment. (oh. Look. What does he do in Civil War again....  *sighs*)

But....

Oh, I always liked Iron Man. He just....didn't fit perfect. *grins* He's endlessly fun though and I really wish I could sit through the first two movies more often. I always forget how much utter fun I have when I can ignore the little pointless things.

3. Do you tend to agree with Iron Man's thinking/logic?

Absolutely.

Way too much.

Steve is...good. I'm very much not. I keep repeating the same bloody mistakes - stuck in the same rut. I paint a mask to wear to be perfect. I don't apologise. I give gifts because words are liars. I don't think I can be loved. I ruin the good things. I feel more comfortable with my creations than the real world. I love to destroy things. I love to play the manipulation game. I can both blame everyone and blame myself. I blame myself for too much.

Do I agree with Tony's thinking and logic?

Oh yes.

Maybe that's why...why something bothers me: there's nothing to change.

Of course - I'm not that smart. I'm not a genius. I'm not the centre of all attention. I'm ignorable. I'm hopefully not as abrasive but.....

I could be. I could so easily be.

And most people don't like that. Better to admire Steve than to emphathise with Tony.

4.) What is one thing about Tony that drives you insane?

....ego? Pride? The mask he wears that says he's alright while never letting anyone in? The bandages he applies that hide the wounds that never heal? The way he draws all of the attention to one area in his life to hide the fact that he's miserable at all the rest?

*sighs*

He's over-dramatic. He takes the blame. He depends on himself.

What drives me insane?

Is that I fully understand him. It makes sense.

5.) Do you think you'd like Tony In real life?

Yes! I think it would be an utter disaster - he's too messed up to be a good acquaintance and I'm not well-balanced enough to deal with that.

However.

He loves to talk. I love to learn. I've a feeling we'd get along swimmingly, dangerously. Someone to test my theories - to try my ideas.....

Oh yeah, I think I'd like him.

He'd be a good distraction too. On the days when I didn't want to feel. When I didn't want to be me....

I wouldn't be the smart person.

Oh, he'd be harsh and cruel and as I said I think that would be a bad acquaintanceship but....

And Tony would be a TERRIBLE influence on me.

6.) Do you think you'd get along with Pepper Pots? What about Rhodey?

Rhodey - yes. Pepper.....no. Pepper is....she is that sort of person that...talks another language? Doesn't always hear what's really being said? Oh, she does. She's smart. But...there's something about her....

Rhodey would speak his mind. He's not going to tiptoe around something. He might not always go about it the best way but... I wouldn't be left wondering what's the truth.

7.) Would you like to live in Stark Tower?

If I can have a room/computer to myself? Absolutely. As long as I could be alone. Very alone. Leave me alone...

Not to mention!!  I could learn everything then! People would teach me!!

I mean, I try not to take advantage but... Sometimes it's allowed.

8.) Would you want to try out/own any of Iron Man's robots or fancy little gadgets?

....not really. I mean, they're interesting but.... I want to learn how to MAKE them!!

9.) What is your favorite Iron Man quote?

And those quotes sum up Tony. The child-like wonder and curiosity that never really died, the mask that can't be broken - that can take any abuse and keep going; and the determination that....feeds him. The drive for perfection that he knows he can never truly reach - he'll always be...second-best. 'Avenging' rather than 'defending'.

10.) If Tony as he is now volunteered to take you to dinner and a movie, would you accept his invitation? Not a date, just a night out cause he knows you are soooooo stressed.

Absolutely.

And I'm bringing my letter-opener and if he tries anything I'm stabbing him with it.

Oddly enough, I'd trust him.

Mostly because if it had gotten to the point where he'd ask me and I'd accept, I'd have learnt how to avoid it. Or he had learnt timing but....

No. I'd love to go out.

And try to stab him if he tried anything. (Like I said - he'd be a bad influence on me....)

It's too easy to sympathise and understand Tony. It's too easy to know him.

He's too familiar. WAY too familiar....

By the way: do you know what my favourite Tony Stark scene is? The ending fight scene of Civil War. Really. IT WAS JUST SO AMAZING AND INTERESTING AND SAD AND DESPERATE AND PERSONAL AND-!!!!!

Civil War Day Three: Pick a Supporting Character

....Okay.

So it's sort of funny because I sat here for about five minutes trying to decide who to do it on because other than Steve the rest of the characters sort of...fade.

And then I realised that there was Bucky.

So I'm going to do Bucky! And probably Clint too!

Anyone surprised???

On a side note - sort of - I REALLY need to rewatch this film.

The thing is that I'm probably not being fair. Given I've only seen it once, I'm going on first impressions and prejudices and....  Well, I'll still want to hit Tony over the head repeatedly but...  I would at least be able to make a case for him.

(I can make a case for him now but...)

And on that note - why was this necessary? For what reason did we have to do this? Why not make THIS the Avengers movie and give Steve a movie ALL. BY. HIM. SELF? And Bucky. Hmm? Instead, Steve has less screen time and less....point; and I have to put up with Tony.

And they had done so well with him in the third film!!  I LIKED him! *sighs*

Why??

Alright.....

yeah. No idea. Most of these are just rants that get out of control.

Yes, yes...  i'm aware this is all sort of cliched....

BE QUIET I'M RANTING AND HAVING FUN AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR ME (the second part of that at least...) SO THERE I'M HAVING FUN!

*sighs*

I'm trying to shut the voices up....

Pray, right? Pray...

(Yes. These posts tend to devolve into streams of consciousness....  In my defense once I start thinking and planning them they turn into the Vampire set and stretch on forever...)

Anyway! Point. Bucky.

Honestly, I've got a feeling I liked him first because of MY writing. His (Stan's) likeness has turned up a few times in stories so far, and I think that might have turned my head first. Then I got to rewatch The First Avenger and I liked the interaction between Bucky and Steve. Older and Younger brothers. Family. Almost. Enough.

Where Steve is good and pure and all sorts of heroic, Bucky....isn't. He's a ladies man, about to go off to war, doesn't really want to go, doesn't want to put himself back into danger when he's rescued, and then he falls.

He is...really, he's a background character. He's barely there. He rescues Steve in the alley, says goodbye to him at the science fair, is rescued from Hydra, is in the bar with Steve, and goes on the train mission. That's...about it.

So tell me about this man. Tell me about this boy that helped raise and protect Steve Rogers. Tell me about this boy that wants attention, but gets over himself when the one he gives his attention to doesn't need it anymore. Tell me about this man that does what is right. Tell me about this man that had to be the anchor for Steve - had to remind him that he was human and breakable and....

Tell me about Bucky. Tell me about the brother that left, the friend that came back, the soldier who fell, and the monster that returned. Tell me about his life. Tell me what we didn't see. Tell me what went on inside his head. Tell me about the ups and downs, the women he's met, the assassins he's trained and covered. Tell me about the quirks that never were fully erased from the Asset. Tell me about the other times his programming failed while he was in the field. Tell me how they programmed him. Tell me what he thought about before Bucky died - before the Soldier came into being.

Don't tell me about the comics. Don't tell me about right and wrong. Don't tell me about Steve. Don't tell me about Tony.

Tell me about Bucky. Tell me his story.

He intrigues me.

So Tony? Step back. I don't care about the accords. I want the team together. I want Steve and Bucky together. I want to watch the leader and the sniper again. I want them to plan missions and snark at each other and make fun of each other and make fun of Tony and....

I like stories. Full, complex stories. I want to see all of the pictures.

Part of the reason Person of Interest was stunningly brilliant: because it played like an incredibly long movie, and we got to know all of the players. And when they drag ALL of the rest of the characters in there with the two I'm interested in???

Good grief. Go make a Hawkeye and Black Widow movie. Together. Separate.

No one would really care, I promise.  Just...go. Leave my Cap movies alone. They're the only ones I really like and trust me I'm NOT watching them for Tony or the Widow or Clint. (...maybe for Clint but.....)

So tell me about Bucky.

Or I'm going to go write his story. And that's probably not good for him. (although...then I could get rid of the girls.....)

Oh, Darling....

Steve and Bucky might be my favourite characters that come first to mind but.... I didn't ever want to watch the superhero films. I watched them for Hawkeye.

.....archery, snark, and no superpowers???  How amazing is that?? I LOVED him in Thor (he was hilarious!!  Yes, I watched that movie for him and Coulson - so shoot me....) and....he was underwhelming in Avengers. I prefer him in the comics.

Funnily enough, he and Deadpool are the only Marvel characters I've read comics for. I preferred Hawkeye's, but his depend a lot on which comic...  Not thtat I've read a lot either - only enough to at least be aware of his character. (Deadpool I read because he and Hawkeye together were.....something else...)

I love sarcastic characters, I really do. I love archery. I love normal people that don't have the advantage.

AND!!!  I love characters that have no subtext!!!

*grins* That he has a FAMILY???????

I don't CARE if it's not comical, that is...  C'est parfait. J'aimer.

And he doesn't have superpowers. NO superpowers. He trained. He practiced. He's a perfectly normal human. Even Nat technically is a supersoldier.... Or was.

You know what else I love? Snipers.

(I honestly didn't plan this, by the way..... I'd forgotten about this.)

I'm not sure why. Maybe because they're support? Background characters? Doing something that is....not entirely honourable, arguably? Killing anyone? I always liked them.

THAT TWO OF MY FAVOURITE SARCASTIC CHARACTERS ARE SNIPERS IS BEYOND PRICELESS!!

Good grief - can we just have a movie with these two? Please? Drop Tony and Steve off somewhere to argue, and let these two hang out. Clint was mind controlled, he'd understand that. They're both really, really sarcastic and impulsive.

Come on - it would be so much fun!!

*sighs* Can we have a good superhero movie??

Not to mention.

Imagine. the. pranks.

Actually, can we just have more of Clint??  I'd rewatch Civil War and just watch Clint at which point it would probably be all of five minutes long.....

And they'd get their two best friends involved and....  *grins* That is a movie I'd pay money to go see and I wouldn't even complain.

Also.

Can we just fix this??   Please?

And yes. I'm bending the rules. Technically the party is long since over so.... And he WOULD be on the Captain's team.

.....try plausibly convincing me otherwise.

But I want snarky, eternally competent, so underrated, so ignorable Coulson back!!! *sighs*

No. He's getting ruined by Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..... Figures.

Every now and then he'll have a good episode! But... On the whole...

it's just adorable....

I like Steve. I like Bucky. I like Clint. I like Nat. I like Sam. I like Tony. I like Pepper. I like Rhodey. I like Jarvis.

I like an awful lot of characters. For every 'best' character I find I can probably find at least two people better.

So if I could only choose ONE person? One character to admire and know?

Paul of Tarus.

Because while Jesus is good he is....God. He's perfect and....I could never relate to that. He's...above - exalted.

Paul was human and flawed and.... I'd rather read his stories and letters than any other character.

(....now i feel terrible because I honestly would prefer him over Jesus just on that level of....practibility. As a person. Because jesus is...distant.)

*groans and drops head on desk*

Civil War Day Two - The Tag!

1.) What is your favorite Captain America movie?

The First Avenger

First? VINTAGE!! Oh, darling, the whole thing is set in the FORTIES! In World War II! In good costuming! In gorgeous sets! In Brooklyn! In Europe! In....the Forties!!

Also: NO. ROMANCE. 

Well, there is, obviously, but...  It took me about four watches to even notice it so...that's a win. (Notice all the romance BESIDES the kiss. The kiss was rather obvious....)

And it's hilarious.

It's so sad though! Dr. Erskine, and Bucky, and Bucky, and Peggy, and the Commandos, and BUCKY and.....  

Alright. In more seriousness....

I liked the first film because of the setting primarily, and the time period. I liked it because of the nostalgia, the decade they portrayed. I like it because of the characters - because of the...well, cliches they undid. I LOVED Howard. Which was utterly surprising given how much I detest his son... But if Team Stark had been led by Howard? Yeah... THEN I'd actually be in trouble deciding between the two.

Tony is self-centered.

Howard is...not. And something...DRASTICALLY changed between the Iron Man films and Steve, and Agent Carter. Maybe different perspective? maybe because the one is from the viewpoint of his hurting son, and the other is from....equals? Oh, he still has much of the same flaws - the same...weaknesses. But there is strength in him. He's selfless when it's necessary. He loves. He's human. He's...good.

.....still can't stand Tony.

(And although that above irony is pointed out, Red Skull ALSO attacked him with a knife. So even just in the same FILM....)

But The First Avenger...  It showed people. WWII. Friends. Family. Those who cared so much and those who didn't care at all. It showed the little people and the big ones. The idiots and the giants. Those that were empty and those that were full - those that were important and those that seemed important.

I will say one other thing: I never figured out Zola. He wasn't really...convinced in the first film. He always seemed...nervous? Coerced? And then we find out that he saved Hydra??  I'm sorry....  It just...doesn't fit. Not with his actions in the first film.

.....the first film wasn't a superhero film. It was a story about people. That's why I liked it.  

2.) When did you decide you loved Captain America?

 That boy that would. not. stay. down.

That tiny kid that challenged a much bigger man just because of honour. That's when I loved the character. That's when I loved Steve. When Captain America ran away to find the 107th. When he came back to face punishment. That's when I loved the Captain.

I watched The Avengers first in the MCU after Iron Man I (which I didn't connect and only saw because Da liked it...). Hawkeye was actually the reason I watched it. And then Coulson the reason I watched any of the rest of the movies.

I could NOT stand Captain America. He was self-righteous and stiff and too goody-goody and self-important and hypocritical and...  No. I couldn't stand it. He argued and fought and he JUST got there who put him in charge?

He rubbed me so wrong I almost didn't watch First Avenger. Buuuut.....the allure of the 1940s drew me and I watched it because it couldn't be THAT bad.

And there was ONE scene in The Avengers that...surprised me. And for all that I couldn't stand Steve? He was my favourite character in the movie BECAUSE of that one scene.

So...basically a Christian? In a modern movie? (yes, I'm shocked by that...) So blatantly stated? I was willing to put up with his annoyancies for Vintage and morals and....

.....needless to say I was utterly surprised.

The Captain in The Avengers and the Captain in The First Avenger were...almost completely different. The one in the Twentieth century was compassionate, well-rounded, kind, intelligent...  He knew when to follow orders and he followed well - but he didn't compromise. His principles came first. The Twenty-first Century version was....flat. Mostly. I mean, he was....he was a soldier. Followed orders. Was stuck inside his own head.

The film seemed to take Tony's side more and....yeah, my opinion of him has been stated...

So I liked Steve Rogers when I saw the good man. Not just the soldier - the man.

3.) Do you tend to agree with Steve's thinking/logic?

Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, and yes.

He's polite, loyal, kind, firm, knows what he believes, stands up for himself, protects others....  He thinks things through - doesn't just go along because that's what the majority or his authority says. He is his own person and he takes responsibility for that. Mostly.

That being said, while I agree with his thinking, his morals, his convictions....  He and I would probably go about them very differently. I'm more like Natasha in 'avoid direct confrontation unless you KNOW you can win' and he's....not. But if it came down between losing while standing up for my principles and abandoning my principles? I think and hope that I'd choose losing.

Other examples of his thinking are shown in his loyalty to his friends and his ability to lead - to both protect those around him while putting the mission first. He is able to separate himself from his emotions when he has to. WHEN he has to.... Likewise.

Not to mention! His logic and thinking is from an older time. A time I very much...try to emulate.

With mixed results, of course...

But! The familial bonds, the knowledge, the appreciation, the honour, the respect, the elegance...

Or at least what we picture as what was there - the postcard life....

4.) What is one thing about Steve that drives you insane?

......Sharon Carter or Peggy.

*grins*

But that's personal preference and an abiding desire for friendship to grow first.

But especially Sharon.

On to a more serious addressal!!

What is something that drives me insane.... Hmm....

Honestly: his straighforward approach. Oh, it's refreshing and honest, certainly. However.....

GOOD BLESSED LORD HELP THAT MAN TO LEARN WHEN TO STAY. DOWN.

*sighs*

(As long as Sharon counts - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING MARVEL??  HYDRA? REALLY??)

But Steve always goes at things straight on. You know what he's thinking. You know what he believes. You know what he will do. And he does it. He's predictable. Oh, not down to ever little bit....

But there was a reason Fury didn't tell him about the surveillance or the Phase 2 or the helicarriers and it wasn't because they were strange to a man from the Forties.

Steve isn't unintelligent. FAR from it. He's got a photographic memory at least, and he caught onto military tactics very quickly. (DISCLAIMER: Never had the opportunity to read the comics so..... Fanfiction, wiki articles, and MCU are my sources.... Mostly the latter.) It took him about forty-five seconds or less to figure out something was wrong where he was being held, and he assimilated the Times Square. (Why were they holding him in the middle of New York??)

So while a lot of fanfiction shows Steve as being clueless when it comes to modern technology... I don't think that's entirely accurate. Obviously, he'd be thrown off a bit - who wouldn't be! - but he'd adapt and catch up. At the least because he has to.

So the helicarriers and Phase 2 weren't kept from him because he was ignorant but because he wouldn't agree with them.

And, miraculously, he's been able to get back up every time he runs headlong at a problem.

....but he almost didn't get back up after Tony in the end of Civil War.

Actually. No.

You know what? I LIKE that about Steve. I like his determination. His...sheer stubborness. Does it get him in trouble.

Of course! Does he learn? No! Because. he's doing. the right. thing. He's not compromising. So no - that's probably my FAVOURITE part.

You know what I hate about Steve?

That for whatever reason they've HAD to have a kiss in each of his movies. Peggy? Fine. Alright.

Nat? Ooookay.....  It was all for show. Or at least it ended up being so....

Sharon?? I don't think so!!

You see - I know her as Agent 13.

I know her of the girl that saved the bravest person in the MCU.

And they ruined her. In all honesty, they ruined her....

So what I hate about Steve - what drives me insane - is that the writers for whatever reason feel the need to pair him with ANYONE. And then they keep pulling in good characters to fill that 'hole' and ruining them and just....STOP. It's NOT necessary. Trust me. For goodness sakes, please....

Just... Leave him alone. Leave him as the innocent boy that won't talk to women let alone randomly kiss him.

Come on.

Small mercies at least? FADE TO BLACK AND LEAVE IT TO FANFICTION WRITER'S EXPLICIT IMAGINATIONS TRUST ME THEY HAVE THEM YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THE WORK FOR THEM!!!

5.) What is your favorite Steve scene?

When he gets the flag, or when he and Bucky beat up Tony. I mean, I know, they're losing in the film but.... THEY TEAM UP SO WELL I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!!!

I loved that flag scene.

and you know, that sort of just ruins the one thing that bothers me about Steve that isn't romance. Because when he WANTS to, he won't go at things straight. He can be and has been as devious as any of the other spies. He just....chooses not to.

That's another thing about him: he CHOOSES to do things. It's not because he has to. It's not because he's inclined to do that. He could easily do something else.

He chooses to.

6.) What is something about Steve that you really admire?

His honesty, integrity, and honour. His manners. His safety.

First? I could spend time with him safely. I wouldn't have to worry about ulterior motives. I wouldn't have to worry that I'm being taken the wrong way, it's just friendship. I would be safe.

I would also be safe from anyone else. Because I'm sorry, the new canon of Steve (AKA comics.....) might stand back when someone is attacked but...  Nope. This Steve...I can't see him doing that. I would be safe from others - someone to back me up that wouldn't be coerced or shamed or ignored into backing down. I would be safe. Others would be safe. He's not going to take advantage of you. He is...good.

He is honourable. his yes is yes and his no is no and.... He understands unavoidable situations, but he gives all he can to accomplish something. He does his best.

And he doesn't compromise!!  He's stubborn and he tries not to falter. He keeps going. He gets up and he keeps going....

He's human.

Above all else, he's human.

He hurts, and mourns, and gets frustrated, and teases, and is amused, and angry, and tired, and excited, and....

He's human. He's realistic. Yeah, he's a superhero but....he's not...impossible. He's not so far out of reach one can never aspire to him.

7.) Do you think you would like Steve in real life?

Weeelllll.....

I've got a feeling that he would fall into the category of 'annoyingly optimistic'.

Oh, I would LOVE to talk about history. About his life. About his principles and beliefs. I would love to spend time with him, We have an awful lot in common and it would be incredible fun.

However.... He is incredibly perceptive. And....any interaction would probably end up going down a road where someone gives advice and I can't bring myself to follow it. Any interaction would end up trying to drag the other down.

So, I would like him - but he wouldn't like me so...  Moot question.

8.) What do you think of Steve's motorcycle, and would you want a ride on it?

...motorcycles scare me. I would ride with him on it once just to say that I did but.....

No.

Those things are dangerous and can so easily go wrong.

9.) What was an iconic "STEVE FREAKIN' ROGERS" moment for you?

...I have NO idea.

First? That question makes no sense!!!!!!!!!!

I just.... Can't figure it out. Sooo...

I don't really know - I can't decide. I love the 'Captain's Orders' scene and the speech before it. I love  his reaction to Project Insight. I love his return with the 107th. I just....  It's Steve.

10.) If Steve asked you on a date, would you accept?

....I hate you.

Alright. If Steve asked me out on a date I would be inclined to accept regardless of whether I knew him as I do now, or if he was just a stranger I met.

Why? Well, if I know him as I do now, then I have the history with him. I know his character - would trust him. He wouldn't hurt me. And if he was a stranger, he's not really the type of person to 'date'. He would 'court'. He would get to know the girl first - be a friend before he did anything else. So then I'd grow to trust him.

But.......

....as much as a man like Steve would be a treasure and something I could accept? I would be much more likely to turn him - or any - man down because I don't want to burden them. I am a mess and I don't want to elevate them unecessarily, and I don't want to burden them. Me starting a family would just be.... No, a terrible idea.

So if STEVE asked me for a date I'd say yes. If Steve asked ME for a date I'd say no.

I still hate you.

Civil War Day One - Pick a Side

Well, well, well....

....not mine - blog party from MAY on I am a Dreamer Let Me Dream.

First? SPOILERS!!!!  There will be spoilers for Captain America: Civil War. Fair Warning.

Second? I was right. I'm sorry, the only person on Iron Man's team that was good was Nat and Jarvis and since Jarvis isn't Jarvis anymore, and I'll take Clint any day over Nat....Yeah.

Nope, I was on the Captain's team since The Avengers (And The First Avenger, but I saw Avengers first so....technically!) and I'm not changing sides yet. If anything, this just made me like him more.

I'm not saying he was completely right - goodness, who is?? - but compared to Tony?

I mean, I can COMPLETELY see Tony's side, but....

Third!!  I've only seen the film once and am doing this from memory. So this is going to be all over the play likely...

Fourth - .....yes. This is so utterly late. I never totally gave up on the idea - I had REALLY wanted to do it but.... Yeah, I crashed. So...  But hey! I'll work on it now!

Anyway. Back to Tony.

It's something I've run into a LOT: that there is no accountability for superheroes.

And, in a way, that is why heroes must be...heroes. Because in the end? There really is no higher power for them. No government for them to answer to, no prison to hold them, no....compulsion nor fear.

I mean, they're 'superheroes'. This means that they're above normal humans. Obviously, supervillains are stopped and imprisoned but....the heroes? Who is going to make them pay damages? Make sure they don't use excessive force? Make sure they don't torture? Make sure they follow the codes of the Geneva Convention? Even say which parts of the Geneva Convention don't apply to them anymore? Is it possible? Who says in the end that the villains and the heroes are different? Who says they should be treated differently?

It devolves all too quickly until a stand-off between Homo Superior and Homo Sapien all because of power and fear.

So Tony has a point: accountability. Someone to tell them that they can't just FORGET the casualties.

On a side note: the trailer was misleading - or the one I saw. It implied that the split was completely over Bucky's consequences and...nope. It wasn't about that at all. Which, in a way, makes the title OH. SO. MUCH. MORE. APPROPRIATE!!

I mean, everyone knows that the American Civil War was fought over the issue of slavery, da?

Nyet!

It was fought over how much power the government should have: how much control and say it should have in the lives of private civilians. Sound familiar? The American Civil war tore families apart, took those that had been closer than brothers and faced them against each other. It took sense from both sides and twisted it around until everyone was just TIRED of fighting but couldn't. stop.

And Tony is...so blind. So...narcisstic. He's brilliant but....not in life. That I can and will say. He can build sentient AIs and do things no one else dreams of but....the big picture? The end good of the many? The consequences for generations later? He does what he wants in the moment, and then overcompensates the opposite direction when he discovers he made a mistake.

He...isn't steady. He doesn't have grounding. He is all over the place - swinging from one side to the other, trying to do right (he tries so hard...) but without principles? Without a loyalty to something higher? He's lost. He is...drowning. He's trying to stay afloat but everything he touches falls. apart. Everything he's liked has been broken. He's trying to care but doesn't want to get hurt but he is hurt already because he can't stay aloof.

He wants safety. He wants firm boundaries - if just so he can push against them. Without those? He's lost. He's trying to be responsible and make good decisions but... He's never had to. He never learnt. He just learnt how to hurt those around him so they couldn't hurt him.

So while I agree with the part that superheroes should be held accountable? No. Tony is....doing it for the wrong reasons and not thinking it through. It's....never going to end well.

Those sort of powers are a responsibility - a privilige. They're not a right. They never are a right - they're a gift. You have the supervillains and you have the superheroes. You either be a hero or become a villain: there really isn't another choice. To be a superhero, you have to be accountable to yourself. That's part of the package. You can choose to obey a government - but in the end? It's still your choice. You HAVE to be good. There is no other option.

And Steve knows this. He also understand something else: honour is something precious. A contract, a promise, an oath, an agreement....He would keep to that agreement. So without safeguards in place? Putting himself - and by extension those he commanded - under a government's control? That was a whole new world of danger.

Because Steve would have been forced to obey. Forced by his own conscience. I suppose that in the end he would at least have had to stay on the sidelines - forced to choose between honour and integrity.

Rogers is a good man. He is a safe man. He's adaptable, and intelligent; and if the rest were like him? There wouldn't be a need for accountability. He is accountable to himself and he does hold himself accountable. He is considerate. And honest. And he is stable.

He's not going to change. He's not going to take the easy way. He will do what he knows is right - and Tony is so very, very right: it does make him dangerous. Because he cannot be swayed. Tony? He can be swayed. HAS been swayed. Steve won't move.

But at the same time, he will do what is necessary.

(Now that I've answered all of the rest of the tags for my team...  *grins*)

And if I went for aesthetics? I'd STILL be on the Captain's team. Because seriously? The only good characters on Tony's team are Jarvis and Nat, and since Jarvis is changed too much and Nat is actually far from my favourite character....Nope. Steve literally got the best team and I HATE the Black Panther.

Why? Don't really know. He was just...dull. Extremely. (Constantly fighting against Bucky didn't help either of course....)

And...  Well, he was an interesting character. I'll give him that. Unfortunately....  He was a...plot device.

I came to the movie for Steve and Bucky. Not for Tony, not for T'challa, not for Nat, not for Clint, not for...anyone. I came for Steve and Bucky. I came for those good friends and basically brothers that has...died and survived and grown and built on each other and pulled each other forward and strengthened and protected each other and.... That's what I was there for. Good and Evil. Winter Soldier and Captain America. Rogers and Barnes. Bucky and Steve.

So in all honesty it was a disappointment how the story seemed more about Tony than anything else. And T'challa.

I don't want to see the guy in the suit THAT IS PICKING ON BUCKY!!  Because you won't sit down in a bloody chair and actually GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE nope. let's just swear vendetta, da?

yeah... No.

So..... yes. I was on Steve's side. He doesn't wear a mask. There's...no ulterior motives. You get what's there and that's that. For good or ill - better or worse....  He's not so....mercurial? As Tony?

There is no loyalty in Tony!!

*drops head on desk*

Alright. I'll leave this go.

Most of this was actually already a draft so I've lost most of my point, sorry.....

 NOT TO MENTION!!!

So I knew the movie was going to basically tear my heart out and crush what remained of it after The First Avenger and The Winter Soldier (HA!!  I dare anyone to admit they were enough of a blind optimist swimming in denial in Egypt they thought anything else.... And no, it doesn't count if they lived under a rock and knew nothing of Marvel or the characters.) and I knew any film that pitted Steve against Avengers was...not going to go well.

That being said?

THAT SCENE IN THE TRAILER!!

Where Steve and Bucky fight Tony!!

Of course, now I've seen the film and just....no. No no no no no no no no....  But!!  For then. It was...  YAY!!!!  I got to see Tony beat up!!  By the two best characters!!  In an amazingly cool fight scene!!

It made the rest of the movie worth it SO much.

...yeah, I basically can't stand Tony. Sorry. Iron Man 3 was acceptable but....  First two are rubbish.