Every Starry Night, That Was His Design

Does anyone else love the night? Does anyone else love the stars? That vast, beautiful, dark, glittering canvas....

Now, there are two things about me: I've got a phobia of the dark, and I'm very nearsighted.

Obviously, when one loves the starry sky, these are both very large problems. Can anyone else imagine how? No? Really? Interesting....

My fear has gotten better. I've gotten good at just plain not. thinking. about it; but....  While I don't get pankc attacks just THINKING about going into the dark, if I'm out too long or think about it for too long (read: more than thirty seconds....) I react poorly.

What I REALLY hate about it is that it's not the DARK I'm afraid of so much as what the dark could be hiding. I know it's NOT hiding it - logic dictates that very often - and yet the terror persists. I blame it on horror movies seriously anyone that wants to become a parent don't let your toddler watch horror/suspense movies. Some things turn out alright, some things seriously don't.... (combine that with an overactive and fostered imagination....)

So, there's that. I've gotten much better in the last year or two but....no. Going into the dark is just...not happening.

Except to look at the night sky, of course. And not think about what murderous monster may be creeping up behind me.

I'm ALSO nearsighted. Very nearsighted. Not blind per se without my glasses, but I'm hard pressed to read or see anything. This is also a result of my childhood: I. read. too. much.

Generally at night. In the dark. To ward off monsters.

....and then I went blind but that's beside the point. (and again, not really blind just.....really bad eyesight.)

So! The night sky.

I didn't see it until I was thirteen about, when they finally had money to get me glasses. Up until then i could only see black - the stars were absorbed into the blackness. And the moon of course - but it was just a white light.

And it wasn't that i didn't know what stars were - I'd seen pictures on the internet and in books so I knew what the night sky should look like I just...never saw it on my own. I looked up at the night sky and saw...nothing. Sometimes on very clear, cold nights, if I strained, I could see Sirius or Betelgeuse or Rigel or Venus but.....never the whole SKY.

I knew it was up there, knew what it looked like, heard about it from others, could almost see it - definitely imagined I saw it - but.....  It wasn't real to me. I had no memory or experience with it.

And then I got glasses.

Now, glasses on their own are such irksome bothersome things and honestly up until I got them I truly believed I didn't need them and that everyone saw the same way I did.

When I couldn't read even the FIRST letter on the eye exam chart that.....notion was dispelled. Quickly.

So I had glasses.

And I. could. see.

Those of you who have had glasses might remember this but for anyone else just imagine you were blind and now you could suddenly see - that's what it was like.

Texture! Colour! Eyes! Facial expressions! (....interesting. That might actually be why I'm better at reading words than I am body language....) Trees! Dust! Wind! Clouds! Hair! Trees! Leaves!

Oh, the amount of things I just stared at, utterly in awe at the...clarity of the world around me. At the utter beauty and wonder and intricacy. It wasn't as if I had never seen it before per se - often enough I'd lifted a sweater or a hand to my eyes and seen all of the delicate markings upon them - but....I can't describe how it was. It was.....It wasn't even like a blurry picture coming into focus - it was literally as if the world was different. I had never seen it before.

I don't think I was born nearsighted, but I know I read enough that I don't remember NOT being near sighted. It was just...all washed out. All melting together. people's faces were flat, eyeless. Trees were just flat things of balls. Grass was just changeless green. (And oh boy was mowing fun before! Try not to miss patches of grass when you can't see the difference.)

But then I could see it. I could see the colour of people's eyes. I could see their microexpressions. I could see them fidgeting - could see scars and smiles and colours. I just....

It was beautiful.

Five or six years later now, the awe is commonplace most of the time. It's normal for me to see the world sharply.

But all it takes to remind me of the literally breathtaking wonder that surrounds me? Take off my glasses. And then put them back on.

To me, looking around, it's....amazing. So much detail, so much tiny things. So much so easily missed - what we see but don't observe.

Its amazing.

Now I had a point with this.

I'm a Christian. It says so in the 'about me'. I know most of the tenents, know most of the truths, know most of the arguments.....  I know what I believe and why, and i know how to prove it. I know my Bible and I know about faith.

Or at least I thought I did.

This was my parent's faith. This was what I was taught growing up. I honestly have no idea how I knew what I know I just sort of....did. That was that. Sometimes i had questions but I never really got into the history behind the reasons - I just accepted what I was taught as long as my parents agreed with it and...voila. My faith. And it made sense in the Bible! My parents believed it and they guided me!

But....it wasn't real. I knew there was a God out there. I knew he loved me. I knew that if I had faith I'd be saved. I knew that if I stayed in God's will he'd use me greatly. I knew that the Holy Spirit would guide me and talk to me if I just listened for the still small voice.

I was looking up into a beautiful sky that was so black for me. I heard about what others saw every day, I heard about what others thought was commonplace because it was always there for them, I saw pictures of what i should be seeing....  I read the Bible and talked to others more learned than I and I prayed and i had faith and I tried to stay strong through the storms and the silence and the sheer rebellion of logic and reason and i tried to smother the searching for answers....

I was looking up to a night sky and saying I saw stars because that's what everyone else saw and if I didn't see stars I was going to die forever. I was looking up into a black canvas and pretending that I saw beauty, and all along yearning to see what others saw - yearning to know it for myself.

In the last year or two, I started....researching. I gave up on my faith actually and started researching. I started from scratch.

It was more stories. More pictures. More hands pointing up at the black sky and extolling the wonders I should see.

But I could begin to see pinpoints. It was all black, sure - but I could start to see shadows.

And it's been sort of....odd, in the last week or so.

I'm starting to see the stars.

I'm looking up into that sky, that glorious sky, and I'm seeing wonders, stars, love. I'm seeing what others have seen.

I'm finally seeing it.

It's not always there. Sometimes the stars go out or the clouds cover them up but.....they're there. I know they're there now. I've seen them.

The analogy breaks down, sure...... But I love God, and I love the Night.

it's kind of funny - everyone knows the Man in the Moon, ja? It's in many children's stories and rhymes.

But I never saw it. Again. I couldn't even see it in pictures - that was something I literally always thought was a myth.

And then I got glasses and happened to look at the moon and...there was the man's face!!  As clear and as real as anything. So obvious I can actually see it without my glasses now.

And when I ran inside to tell my sister of this brilliant discovery, she gave me this look that so clearly stated that I was a blind idiot because of COURSE there's a man on the moon and how could i have ever not seen it before??

That's what I feel like with this. I want to share with everyone what I'm learning, what I'm discovering but....

"Of course! How could you have been so idiotic and weak as to have never seen it before??"