I Fear neither Pain Nor Death

so. Yes. I am still posting on here. More often as I get the hang of typing VERY quickly and organising my thoughts the night before.

and taking a few weeks to publish the finished post.

But I am posting! I actuyally have internet here when I thought I wouldn't.

I know, I know - this does little good since no one is reading this since no one thinks I'm posting....but hey! This is supposed to be my rant into the ether anyway. I'm used to the solitude.

So I FINALLY got to watch the second Lord of the Rings again yesterday (I watched the first about two months ago or something...) and it was kind of....strange how fitting so much was to myself?

maybe it's just that after reading the Anne Shirley books and feeling like someone studied me and my personality and copied it exactly for Anne (seriously. it was disconcerting!), I was a bit more sensitive to that. That, and apparently I have memorised the films WAY too much and nitpicked the whole thing. Don't get me wrong! I still loved it! But seriously! I need their hair-care tips.

Especially since I had to go off of my baking soda shampoo - it was working so well too! But It wasn't cleaning my hair anymore so... *sighs* Back to normal shampoo I go. Now my hair is always greasy, of course....

I seriously just want to cry - I hate greasy hair, but every time I use shampoo, my hair never stays clean! I just want clean hair - how hard is that????

But back to the topic at hand: cages.

I would say that I'm obviously not in the same situation as Eowyn was, but there are too many correlations for that to be true. So I will stick with saying that I don't have right and wrong as easily laid out for me as she did.

But oh..... A cage. I don't fear death, I don't fear pain, I don't fear....much of anything; except nothing. I fear wasting my life, I fear taking inaction and living to bitterly regret it. I would rather step out and fail miserably than stay where I am comfortable and forever wonder 'what if'.

I fear wasting my life. I fear not living the life God would want me to. I fear being miserable. I fear settling for comfort rather than the right thing. I fear.....

I fear a cage. I fear being unwanted, unloved. I fear hurting those around me. I fear doing nothing great with my life - doing nothing worthwhile.

(Of course, if we follow through with the relation to Eowyn, I would love to marry, to have someone love me.... But there isn't a great evil to put me with anyone if there is one so... Sorry, yes, I'm digressing.)

I know. It's a choice. I have to wake up each morning and say: "No. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I might have no family, no history, no ties, no prospects - but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep living. I am going to survive this, and I am going to live to see good come of sorrow. To see joy come in the morning."

And that is all that really matters, I think. Keep going. Keep fighting. Wake up each morning and choose to live. Do the best you can with what you're given. Be the best you can with what you are. Live a life to glorify God, live your life to bring honour to him.

What other purpose is there, really? What else has any worth?

It's like running a race. (something that I hate with all within me, by the way.) I'm tired, I'm not as good as the rest, I stumble, i fall, I slow down, I can't breathe.... But I have to keep going, I want to reach the end. Some days I can fly, other days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But I keep going. It is a conscious choice on my part to cooperate with God, to choose him in everything.

it's a choice I fail at constantly - but it's still a choice I make. I'm well aware I'm not perfect... *sighs*

It would be so easy to give up, to stay where it is comfortable. it would be so easy to stay within the cage. I could get used to it - could tell myself it was where I belonged. I could live with it.

But I would die of it too, and I know that. the end is worth the fight, and I have to remember it. When I want to give up, when I want to stay with what I know: I have to remember that. i can't give in to despair, I can't countenence self-pity. I know the truth and that is what I must hold to. It will be worth it in the end, I know it.

I know it.

There is NO Dummy book for Adulting

I take it back. I take everything back. Whatever I've given.

I don't want to adult!!!!!!!

yes, I am going to sit here and whine....

I know, I know: I brought this on myself. This was my choice. I know - to a point - what I'm getting into. This is worth it. This is right. This is the way it has to be.

But come on! Seriously? Me? Budgets and lists and vehicles and jobs and and and and and.... and who thought it was a good idea to let little old me attempt this?

And fine, fine... I know, I'll learn, I'll catch on, I'll figure it out (hopefully) but it's so bloody overwhelming that....

I just sit here staring at it, at this pile that looms over me. So many choices, so many options... What do I do? What contingencies do I plan for? What could go wrong? What could go right? What should I do? and where do I ever even start????

There are a few things I am truly upset about in my youth. One of them is the lack of preparation I had for living life past highschool. School's over - what do I do now? If I want to get married and have a family, should I pursue a lengthy college route? If I want to pursue college, how should I go about it?

Where do I begin?

As a child, you have this idea that you'll grow up and you'll be smart and in control and won't ever have to anything you don't want to do. then you grow up and reach that magical 'adult' age and realise you feel the same then as you did at thirteen. You realise that it's all a lie and no one ever really disillusioned you!

Or is that just me?

I want to hide from it, deny it's happening, stay in my little safe cocoon for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that, right? RIGHT?

Nope. And I know it. I can't just give up, can't sit and settle. I have to keep going - I have to try. if I don't, I will always regret it - always wonder what might have been.

I mean, i might anyway; but better to take action than to sit.

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

A lot has changed since I've moved out, moved on. some for the better, maybe some for the worse. I have a spaghetti strap dress, I smile and laugh, I have friends, I pray..... sometimes it doesn't seem real, sometimes I'm terrified I'll mess it all up. I know I'm inexperienced, I know I'm young... I know that I know nothing else - but my insecurity is crippling sometimes. I can't imagine it would be worth it to try.

Who wants to be responsible? I mean, really? Who wants to be the one in charge? I feel like Tobias Fornell, irritating everyone just so he doesn't have to be in charge. Except that wouldn't work. figures.

Also! Fun bit of data! Self-harm is addicting??? Oh, right, yeah... another thing no one talks about I guess. *sighs* Who knew I would have to deal with that? I mean, I'm happy now - that means I shouldn't want to cut, right?

Yeah. Right. Apparently not. *sighs*

While we're talking about friends too - or while I am thinking about them - at what point is enough enough? when is it right to draw the line? Besides the obvious points... I mean, what happens when the differences are too massive? What happens when one can't discuss anything with a friend because it might be difficult? How does one handle that? When does it stop being worth it?

I just want the innocence of childhood back.

Actually, I'd like to have experienced it at all. Reader tells me to have fun but....

I don't want to face my coices. I don't want to be in charge. I feel like I'm going to fail, and I don't know how to avoid failing. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to learn.