Civil War Day Five - Free Day!

....I'll just....

I'm just going to be over here incoherently screaming....

Free day? Free day?? What am I supposed to do with that?? I don't know!!

Well.

*grins*

I'm not going to talk about Civil War. Basically at all.

Alright, yeah, fine, I could.

But I'm not.

Why?

I'VE COVERED JUST ABOUT EVERY SIDE TRACK I CAN WITHOUT REWATCHING THE FILM.

And I still have two more days to talk....

Anyway! So to avoid getting stuck and taking months to post this one, I'm going to not write about the blog party.

Yes. I'm aware this is cheating. Sorry? *hides*

I am in the mood to write. Not...not a few short stories or cowriting or....plans. I want to actually finish something.

The catch being that I've never finished more than oneshots.... Well, and the chapter story but that was summarising backstory already given and then it was just rewriting episodes and generally doesn't count in the slightest. So I've not seriously finished anything. Which is depressing and discouraging.

VERY discouraging.

But I don't have school this year. Nor a job, obviously.

So what better time to immerse myself in a book than now?

(...now watch as I have literally no time to write this next month...)

or writing....

I also really, really want to make a navy blue dress for Christmas. Purple would be better but-! Working with what I have, da?

And writing.

I have no purpose...

I mean, I have no...end goal. (Everyone just shut up, alright? I talk through things. This gives me the illusion of talking to anyone that listens; but unfortunately I am aware that a few people DO read this and so just...Zatknis.) I am simply wandering around pointlessly. I have some hobbies like writing or researching or sewing or crocheting or knitting but....In the end?

In the end I get bored. I get distracted. I get discouraged. I compare myself to the countless quantity of people so much better at me in everything...

Yes, yes - there are less talented people too.... But why would I compare myself to them? There are better people and so they must be my standard. As I am so far from any of their level, then....

Anyway.

But I can't NOT compare myself! What would I aspire to then??

it doesn't work!!  *Groans*

I think I don't care enough. I think I am....so twisted and weak inside that I don't care enough. I want it - that much is true - but I don't want it enough. When it comes down to actually working for something I....don't. I feel as if I - not, not even that I can't I just...don't. I am too weak.

I want the easy way out. I want someone else to do it for me. I don't want to figure it out for myself. I don't want to take all of the responsibility. I blame everyone else.

I want to give up but I still want to get somewhere. I want the...end without the effort.

And that's not right. That's not fair.

So what do I do? How do I overcome myself - my habit of forever taking the easiest way out of things, of forever protecting myself from consequences.

I say it is to protect myself. I say it is for my safety. To an extent, it still is. But not forever. Never forever.

I want to do the work. I want to earn the reward. I want to take full responsibility. I want to mature. And yet.... There aren't directions for this sort of thing. There aren't instructions for the soul....not in this...

I want to stop running. I want to do as I should. I want to work hard. I want to serve. I want to stop lying - to stop....

I want to stop. That is what I want. I want to stop and in stopping heal.

And that's another thing. Healing. I am terrified to heal. To heal means that I was hurt. To heal means that someone else is wrong.

They can't be wrong. I have to be wrong. And if I have to heal then it means - in this instance - that they were wrong. And healing means something has to change. Healing means....

Am I defeating myself here too? Sabotaging myself - destroying myself? Is this another area where I won't try?

What is so wrong with me that....that I am defeating myself? What is wrong with me that I don't want to get better, that I don't want to change, that I don't want to heal? What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what is necessary?

I wish someone would take the choice from me - would take the responsibility and duty from me.

But that is a vain hope, ja? That's not going to happen.

Life's not that easy.

Happy endings....

I don't believe in them. I don't hope for them.

I mean, I do sometimes but...I think they actually frighten me. What would I fight for then? Myself? I destroy myself...

No.

But I am so lazy. So stupid as to not adjust my course - to fix my flaws. I am so lazy... I want to work hard. But I don't want it enough.

And almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.