Short and Sweet

...I KNEW I forgot someone!!

There's another major character in the book!!

James Conrad, but basically only called 'Jamie'. He is the youngest at about age fifteen, more or less.

In the dream, originally he and Jason were the same person. I split them into two characters because the shift in roles was so violent and opossite that it didn't quite work (although it would have been VERY interesting....) and thus have Jamie and Jason.

So sue me, my names aren't always brilliant....

Jamie isn't really an orphan, but his dad died in prison and his mother abandoned him so he is raised in the orphanage. For all intents and purposes, he is an orphan. He's too smart for his own good, and loves murder mysteries.

He sort of attatches himself to Adam, to Adam's immense displeasure.... He is a source of great amusement for me, but I enjoy children.....

I can't believe I forgot Jamie.... James is about as centric as either Detective!!

 ...now, a month later, I will finish this post.

Or at least post it.

I am exhausted and can never stop running and I'm fretting but learning so. much. and.....

Yeah. I'm tired.

But! Opera!!

I got to see an opera. *Grins* It was fun. I loved it, unsurprisingly.

And I finished my dress in time! yay!

*sighs*

And....yeah. That's about it.

I'm posting this. Mostly for the first half.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night...

Wherein I can't write my book so I will write on my blog and hopefully that will inspire something.

Yes, yes - I know. Wishful thinking.

Sometimes I am very good at that! I'm a cynical optimist....

Basically: I am trying the NaNoWriMo. I've always wanted to since I heard of it several years ago, and the idea is intriguing! I love challenges and I know I can write prolifically and with a deadline of sorts I could have a chance of actually FINISHING a story.

Of course, the other side of this matter is that once I commit to something with a deadline I will (and do) have absolutely no time to write.

I am unsurprised.

I will have two weeks out of this month to write fifty thousand words and why am I even trying???

So. Fifty Thousand words in a month. And I'm not really allowed to write. Yes, I'm insane.

On a side note: I love this story!!!!!

(I love all of my stories!!)

I am working on the story with Jason and Adam. Does anyone remember that? NO! Because no one reads this!

...joking. Sort of.

Do I have a title for this story? Still, nope. My working title is the title of this blog post as well, and only chosen because of the genre its set in - weird dystopic noir or something or other..... I'm not sure WHAT it is at this point.....

Because I've got other stories in this universe, I'm not combining decades and am just regulating this one to the years immediately after World War II. I'm an expert at never giving dates in my stories so that helps....

But I am stuck with the story. I like structure! I like predictability - patterns! So, five acts. Or about four - give or take. But set it up in acts. Right now I'm in the first and I'm supposed to be setting up the characters and.....

Nope.

I want to jump around in the story! Write random scenes! Write out histories! Write out backstories for the characters!

I should have just written another fifty thousand words for the Willem Karg universe - THAT grew quickly enough in a month.

(....Actually, why  DIDN'T I?? *sighs* Too late....)

So this story is...tricky. It's historical fiction that isn't really historical. The regligion centre to it is very much NOT what I am familiar with. The setting itself (organised crime and police forces) is unknown to me.

But I love the characters. I really do. And if I didn't write this I'd have to write Mera and Marser's story (which I LOVE) and I don't have the time to immerse myself in their culture again so I could write it correctly.

 The whole story came into being from a very dark, very violent, very sad, very real dream I had one night.

....and that made sense when I read my notes in the morning.

Most of my story ideas find their origins in dreams, and this is by far one of my favourites.

The story is possibly less violent in that I save the main characters' lives, but....

 Det. Adam Weiss is the main character of the book. He is the inspiration for the plot and the character study and the general mess. He is about twenty-five years old and is the sarcastic, quiet one. He is smaller, better dress, makes more money and is generally set apart from all of his colleagues - something that does not make life easy for him. He prefers his solitude though.

He is ethnically Jewish and at least doesn't practice ALL of the religion. I haven't made up my mind yet on that point..... If he does practice, he does a terrible job though - let's leave it at that.

He is an orphan, his parents were murdered and he was left in an orphanage. He was never formally adopted, but he spent much time tagging after Jason and getting unofficially adopted into that family.

He has dark humour and interests and purposefully ignores tact. He is decidedly single and has no wish to ever change that status. He thinks anyone that wants to get married is an idiot. He's a harsh teacher - preferring example rather than lessons - but his students thank him later.

He is immensely fun to write. I love my vintage, sarcastic, dark side and he was created specifically so I could pour out that side.

Det. Jason Alden is the other main character and is so much intertwined with Adam that they are BOTH the 'main characters' in this book. One couldn't be in the story without the other. Jason is the....counterweight to Adam. Where Adam is cynical/pragmatic, Jason is optimistic. Where Adam sees too much, Jason sees too little. Where Adam breaks, Jason grows. Where one is static, the other is dynamic. Where one cries the other laughs. Where one is dark and secretive, the other is bright and open. Where one is me, the other is what I would like to become.

Jason is about twenty-nine and is the elder of the two. And taller. He's also faster - Adam is more deliberate. Adam taught him just about everyting he knows though - Jason was always less curious until Adam opened things up for him. Jason is willing to leave things that work alone, while Adam always wants to see what else can work.

Jason is the reason I wasn't sure about writing this book, because Jason is a good Catholic and has been since birth. Now. The problem with this? I don't know that much about Catholicism!! I'm still much too Protestant.

...granted. I doubt I could write a good Protestant anymore either - but at least I have the background for that! I could go back and write it if I tried! But I've no....fair context for Catholicism!

But I can't change Jason. Won't change him. I'll just...not let any of my friends read the book! Problem solved....  (yeah, yeah, I know... Hardly!)

Jason Alden is somewhere in the middle of a big family, and sort of adopted Adam when they were young. He's a lot more easy going than Adam could ever be, and isn't as....dedicated to his work - he isn't absorbed in his work. He lets himself rest, and has no compunction against teasing Adam into resting as well. He holds Adam in check.

Dr. Sabrina August is....Well.

She wasn't originally in the story. She's an...addition. I sort of stole her from a friend's book (sorry!) but only insofar as her employment. And she's stolen from the Clue game in her name. 'Scarlett'.

Scarlett is twenty-three and is the Chief Medical Examiner. She pulled some strings to get the best place. Contrary to Jason and Adam, She is very wealthy and from a high family. She travels the world with her job and to help other M.E.s

She is an old friend of Adam's, but not one that Jason knows is still a friend. Adam met her once in an alley, and they both had the same twisted curiosities and so spent a lot of time together.

She's an assassin as well - a hit woman. (Told you this thing got violent...) She is a bit of a sociopath - contrasting Adam who only pretends (very well, though) to be one. She can be quite cruel.

In this world, there is a law or tradition concerning doctors that if they save a life they have the legal ability to take one. A literal translation of 'an eye for an eye, a life for a life' rule.... So she is very dangerous, as a doctor.

Nathaniel Richards is the oldest of the crew at age forty-one. He is a psychopath and a serial killer.

He is also Scarlett's assistant. She hired him when she uncovered his...'hobby', and they worked out a partnership. He just kills because he is bored and wants the challenge, so she gives him a challenge.

'Psychopath' just about sums him up perfectly. He's dangerous, he's charming, he's cold, he's polite......

(Also, for anyone getting upset about the characters in this book: I DON'T LIKE SPOILERS!!! And there's a few plot twists I'd rather NOT give away so....these are just character summaries - the plain truth. There is....a lot more grey than there is black and white in this universe....)

Maureen Todd is the reason this story is set in the 1940's. Up until then it was set in the twenty-first century; but when I wrote out her scene she was always wearing skirts and pumps with makeup and curled hair and I realised I had more fun setting it in Film Noir than in Police Drama.

So. 1940's.

She is.....Oh, she's fun. She's an innocent naive girl pining after Jason and abhorring Adam. She's convinced Jason loves her.

And she learns very, very quickly.

She is quite possibly one of my most favourite characters in this piece!!!  Oooohhhh I can't wait to write her more....

So.

There's that.

My...mess.

*sighs*

Again, I ask why in the world I am doing this??

I also learnt a bit about typewriters.

Adam is sort of the informal secretary for a lot of 'friends', and he types out/formats their reports and documents for them. So he works on a typewriter a bit.

So I pulled out my typewriter the other day and wrote a few poems on it and letters just to get the feel for one and the sound. Mine is early Sixties not late Forties - but close enough.

I learnt that I can reoil the ribbon so I don't have to replace it. I learnt that the bloody thing has no exclamation point. I learnt AFTER I finished that I can combine period and apostrophe to make an exclamation point (I never said I was a genius....). I learnt that I have to hit a lot harder than I do with my computer keyboard and touch typing as I know it is literally impossible. I learnt that secretaries had to have REALLY strong fingers and wrists good grief.....

Also.

I just typed all of this out??? But can't write my story??

How is this even fair???

I am so doomed and I am blaming you, darling.....

The Lord be with you!

Civil War Day Five - Free Day!

....I'll just....

I'm just going to be over here incoherently screaming....

Free day? Free day?? What am I supposed to do with that?? I don't know!!

Well.

*grins*

I'm not going to talk about Civil War. Basically at all.

Alright, yeah, fine, I could.

But I'm not.

Why?

I'VE COVERED JUST ABOUT EVERY SIDE TRACK I CAN WITHOUT REWATCHING THE FILM.

And I still have two more days to talk....

Anyway! So to avoid getting stuck and taking months to post this one, I'm going to not write about the blog party.

Yes. I'm aware this is cheating. Sorry? *hides*

I am in the mood to write. Not...not a few short stories or cowriting or....plans. I want to actually finish something.

The catch being that I've never finished more than oneshots.... Well, and the chapter story but that was summarising backstory already given and then it was just rewriting episodes and generally doesn't count in the slightest. So I've not seriously finished anything. Which is depressing and discouraging.

VERY discouraging.

But I don't have school this year. Nor a job, obviously.

So what better time to immerse myself in a book than now?

(...now watch as I have literally no time to write this next month...)

or writing....

I also really, really want to make a navy blue dress for Christmas. Purple would be better but-! Working with what I have, da?

And writing.

I have no purpose...

I mean, I have no...end goal. (Everyone just shut up, alright? I talk through things. This gives me the illusion of talking to anyone that listens; but unfortunately I am aware that a few people DO read this and so just...Zatknis.) I am simply wandering around pointlessly. I have some hobbies like writing or researching or sewing or crocheting or knitting but....In the end?

In the end I get bored. I get distracted. I get discouraged. I compare myself to the countless quantity of people so much better at me in everything...

Yes, yes - there are less talented people too.... But why would I compare myself to them? There are better people and so they must be my standard. As I am so far from any of their level, then....

Anyway.

But I can't NOT compare myself! What would I aspire to then??

it doesn't work!!  *Groans*

I think I don't care enough. I think I am....so twisted and weak inside that I don't care enough. I want it - that much is true - but I don't want it enough. When it comes down to actually working for something I....don't. I feel as if I - not, not even that I can't I just...don't. I am too weak.

I want the easy way out. I want someone else to do it for me. I don't want to figure it out for myself. I don't want to take all of the responsibility. I blame everyone else.

I want to give up but I still want to get somewhere. I want the...end without the effort.

And that's not right. That's not fair.

So what do I do? How do I overcome myself - my habit of forever taking the easiest way out of things, of forever protecting myself from consequences.

I say it is to protect myself. I say it is for my safety. To an extent, it still is. But not forever. Never forever.

I want to do the work. I want to earn the reward. I want to take full responsibility. I want to mature. And yet.... There aren't directions for this sort of thing. There aren't instructions for the soul....not in this...

I want to stop running. I want to do as I should. I want to work hard. I want to serve. I want to stop lying - to stop....

I want to stop. That is what I want. I want to stop and in stopping heal.

And that's another thing. Healing. I am terrified to heal. To heal means that I was hurt. To heal means that someone else is wrong.

They can't be wrong. I have to be wrong. And if I have to heal then it means - in this instance - that they were wrong. And healing means something has to change. Healing means....

Am I defeating myself here too? Sabotaging myself - destroying myself? Is this another area where I won't try?

What is so wrong with me that....that I am defeating myself? What is wrong with me that I don't want to get better, that I don't want to change, that I don't want to heal? What is wrong with me? Why can't I do what is necessary?

I wish someone would take the choice from me - would take the responsibility and duty from me.

But that is a vain hope, ja? That's not going to happen.

Life's not that easy.

Happy endings....

I don't believe in them. I don't hope for them.

I mean, I do sometimes but...I think they actually frighten me. What would I fight for then? Myself? I destroy myself...

No.

But I am so lazy. So stupid as to not adjust my course - to fix my flaws. I am so lazy... I want to work hard. But I don't want it enough.

And almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Civil War Day Four - An Opposing Character this Time?

....so I realise now that I COULD HAVE DONE TONY'S TAG TODAY!

But no. I didn't really read ahead so... That didn't happen.

But hey! I get to talk about someone else.

*drops head on desk* *sighs*

By the way - this? This is why I dropped out when Bella first held this thing: I have a bad habit of disappearing for long periods of time......

But matters of importance first.

I watched another wonderful film with Vincent Price in it! Oh, the film was wonderful on its own merits and unbelievable and so very fictional and have I ever mentioned that the general...miracles and superatural and just NO.

.....but I'm terrified of monsters in the dark. *groans*

I give up! I give up.

Besides, logically, I can't deny it. I know that. So why do I still bother??

And it was very quotable. And amusing. And sad. And joyful. And....

It's odd to watch these films. Usually when I watch films based on real life I know the story behind it. Or the story is predictable enough that I can guess what would happen. But with Song of Bernadette and Reluctant Saint I....can't. They're utterly new! Completely....unknown! i have no idea what's going on! It's...

It's weird.

The movie was....wonderful. I want to watch it again. But not right now.... Not so soon. Couldn't.

But I have a new movie to find for my collection!!

It's....it's something to aspire to. something possible - something relateable. It's....

I don't know. I don't know.

I loved the film, thank you.

Alright! So. The tag.

...that again, I could have just used Tony for.....

Well, no one ever said I was genius. *shrugs*

And that gif is REALLY annoying me - that is just...how does she do that?? Anyway.

Also. For the person that says these posts are good.

HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Irrelevant. Back to the tag. That for whatever reason I can't focus on...

I have the sudden urge to go rambling on about the dress i'm drafting and making SHUT UP AND WRITE THIS BLOODY POST!!

*grins*

Natasha Romanov. The Black Widow. I honestly have no idea if I'm even spelling her name right or ifI'm using too much Russian again....

I can't stand the majority of Tony's team. Sorry.

Let's start with whatever his name is, Black Panther. T'challa. That guy.

Yeah, alright, I fully admit that first his character wasn't fleshed out at ALL in the film which always prejudices me against a character; and I admit that his very blind pursuit of Bucky also...knocks him very far down the totem pole.

(I'm supposed to be defending a character, aren't I? Sorry... I AM GOING TO DEFEND ONE!! I'm just going to try to tear everyone else apart...  *Smiles*)

I look forward to watching his film - I want to see if they can redeem him in my opinion.

But he is a prince, a king in his father's death. Wouldn't he know better than to jump into a vendetta without proof?? As a king especially - I have no idea how Wakanda's government works, but death is serious. I get the impression that he wouldn't just be handing out death sentences willy nilly. So why then with Bucky?

He's emotionally unstable in the death of his father, surely as a ruler he knows politics and how scapegoats are so easily framed?

I just....come on. Revenge? That's it? And then you suddenly change at the end because you learn the truth? Maybe you could have spent some time looking for the truth in the beginning or something and avoided the mess....

Innocent until proven guilty, anyone?

...also, black panther? All I can think of is Asten Roel.

He's a character in Emperor's New Clothes book that is a shapeshifter and lives largely as a black panther and he's really fun and good and smart and I accidentally killed him before I created him.

Downsides of creating the main character first.....

Asten was invented based on this cat we had that was....a shapeshifter, seriously. He was hilarious and so nice and fun and.... anyway, he disappeared so I created Asten.

I need to finish that book....

......I love Vision. I truly do.

GIVE. ME. BACK. JARVIS.

NOW.

Yeah, that's basically my only complaint with him. The fact that he sides with Tony is irrelevant - he is Jarvis. Of COURSE he would.

But can we just....get rid of Friday? Forever? Please?

Jarvis. Back. Now.

.....although. I'll take D'Arcy's Jarvis back. *Grins* Come on!! He was fun!!

Actually, can we have the whole Agent Carter series back?? Marvel ruined Agents of SHIELD - Carter at least hadn't gotten so bad....

(I admit I need to finish that second series though...  *sighs*)

But Jarvis! Not Vision!

We can keep Vision if I get the original Jarvis back.

Me unreasonable? Nooooo.....

Now. Who's next....

...Rhodes.

Oh boy.

Honestly, I don't even really know him.... I thik he has the worst job to deal with Tony, but he does honestly care about Tony. They fight all of the time on eithics and business and government and weapons and fame and...everything else seemingly, but Rhodes....

Rhodes is a good man. Messed up, broken, made some massive mistakes at times....

But a good man. He tried. He has his principles - or as far as I remember he does. I don't think he ever legitimately chooses his job or someone else over Tony - that is the best thing about him. Other than the fact that I think Tony largely just uses him for a long time and Rhodes should have left that friendship....

But Rhodes cares about what happens to Tony - he is a good friend.

AND GOOD GRIEF THEY NEARLY KILLED HIM!!!!!!

.....I actually almost did join Tony's side just because NO. KILLING. RHODES!! I'm not sure why I stayed on Steve's side. Reason? Belief?

Oh, I would have been furious if Rhodes had actually died.

But Rhodes...is a good man. A good friend. he puts up with SO much...

Let's see.....

Yeah.

No.

Never.

Sorry, he has NO redeeming qualities and that's not quite true. These last two versions of him were.....not so cringe worthy but....

*groans* Nope!!

Let's just leave it there. I have no intention of rewatchign any of the films to critique them.

....and this right here is where I lost any and all like I had gained for the character that he had gotten.

JUST....WHY??????????????????????? *chokes* *groans*

...is anyone surprised that I saved her for last?

Nah, she's actually the whole point of this post. The others just....somehow grew longer than I expected.

But Natasha. I was....honestly surprised she went to Tony's team. She of all people would be the last one I would expect to agree to more governmental control.

Red Room.

Hydra.

Ring any bells?

"You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers."

The difference between just about every. single. character. and Tony is that Tony is just about the only one that...doesn't make considered decisions.

T'Challa - a prince. I can promise you that he was taught to weigh his decisions well. He is responsible.

Rhodes - an officer that had to deal with Tony. If anything he learnt to manage decisions to keep working with Tony and avoid getting both of them fired or something.

Vision - he's a computer. He doesn't really have a choice.

Wanda - she's young, but she grew up with only her brother and she at least tries to think ahead to consequences; and she has no problem accepting consequences either.

Clint - he's a father and an agent. *grins* He's snarky and fun sure, but balancing domestic and secret life that well? Not to mention simply keeping his family secret? He understand decisions - has demonstrated it often.

Bucky - took care of Steve, was then a supersoldier assassin for seventy years - he learned decisions somewhere. And he well understands consequences.

(....I've never seen the Ant-man movie so I honestly can't comment on him...)

Wilson - experimental soldier, made decisions in Winter Soldier with full understanding of what the repercussions for him could be.

Steve - he's impulsive yeah, but even when he does just jump into something he is also willing to accept the consequences for his own actions. He minds his own business.

.....annnnd....then there's Tony.

*sighs*

Tony, darling, broken mess of a man, THINK. THINGS. THROUGH.

STOP JUST REACTING!!  *groans*

Everything isn't your fault, you had to know that you couldn't save everyone...

"Something I learned that night, Jason.You can't save them all. Sometimes, you have to pick one. I picked you. Otherwise all three of us would have died that night and you know it...Focus on the ones you can save."

.....also known as the reason #Endless that Tony is the same as Tony but Tony is better than Tony.

Granted. Stark is a technical genius and Dinozzo isn't obviously but.... come on. They have the SAME personality basically. The difference is that Dinozzo grows up. He takes responsibility. Stark? Hasn't yet. Not really.

*Sighs* Oh Tony I know exactly why I hate you so very much....

anyway. Nat.

The amazing thing is that I ever keep track of a point in these things.....

Yeah, yeah - shut up.

But why would she have signed her freedoms away again? Always a slave? Always a pawn? She got away from the Red Room. She got away from Hydra/SHIELD. And now she signs away her freedoms again?

She of all people would understand collateral damage.

Yes, yes - the Avengers DO need some accountability. Everyone does. But not to the government. Not consolidated like that.

She's seen regimes rise and fall - she's HELPED them rise and fall. She would rather not be accountable that publically.

It just....doesn't make sense.

But.....

She's a spy. She plays sides against each other. It's her job. It's her. She can't just...shut that off.

What if she joined Tony so she could help Steve when he needed it? So she could help that team when they needed it? Basically every time she's in a movie she's playing a double agent at some major point. Except this one?

What if her entire role in Civil War IS a double game?

This theory isn't mine - it was somewhere online but now I can't find the original....

And I'm sure there are reasons disproving this but-! It makes so much more sense.

Now I want to rewatch the film to see if it completely fits.

No one expected her to be on Tony's side. it wasn't logical - it wasn't predictable. She is the...changeable one. She's the one that can't be pinned down. she's the spy that's above and beyond everyone - and movies aren't books. We aren't given character's thoughts.

And thus the beauty of headcanons: LITERALLY EVERY GOOD CHARACTER IS ON STEVE'S SIDE THEN!!!!  *Grins*

But now I really do want to rewatch the movie. Seriously - this is such a cool theory I want to see if it fits even more....

*grins* So there's that! Another day done too! Voila!

...I'm leaving now.....