I Fear neither Pain Nor Death

so. Yes. I am still posting on here. More often as I get the hang of typing VERY quickly and organising my thoughts the night before.

and taking a few weeks to publish the finished post.

But I am posting! I actuyally have internet here when I thought I wouldn't.

I know, I know - this does little good since no one is reading this since no one thinks I'm posting....but hey! This is supposed to be my rant into the ether anyway. I'm used to the solitude.

So I FINALLY got to watch the second Lord of the Rings again yesterday (I watched the first about two months ago or something...) and it was kind of....strange how fitting so much was to myself?

maybe it's just that after reading the Anne Shirley books and feeling like someone studied me and my personality and copied it exactly for Anne (seriously. it was disconcerting!), I was a bit more sensitive to that. That, and apparently I have memorised the films WAY too much and nitpicked the whole thing. Don't get me wrong! I still loved it! But seriously! I need their hair-care tips.

Especially since I had to go off of my baking soda shampoo - it was working so well too! But It wasn't cleaning my hair anymore so... *sighs* Back to normal shampoo I go. Now my hair is always greasy, of course....

I seriously just want to cry - I hate greasy hair, but every time I use shampoo, my hair never stays clean! I just want clean hair - how hard is that????

But back to the topic at hand: cages.

I would say that I'm obviously not in the same situation as Eowyn was, but there are too many correlations for that to be true. So I will stick with saying that I don't have right and wrong as easily laid out for me as she did.

But oh..... A cage. I don't fear death, I don't fear pain, I don't fear....much of anything; except nothing. I fear wasting my life, I fear taking inaction and living to bitterly regret it. I would rather step out and fail miserably than stay where I am comfortable and forever wonder 'what if'.

I fear wasting my life. I fear not living the life God would want me to. I fear being miserable. I fear settling for comfort rather than the right thing. I fear.....

I fear a cage. I fear being unwanted, unloved. I fear hurting those around me. I fear doing nothing great with my life - doing nothing worthwhile.

(Of course, if we follow through with the relation to Eowyn, I would love to marry, to have someone love me.... But there isn't a great evil to put me with anyone if there is one so... Sorry, yes, I'm digressing.)

I know. It's a choice. I have to wake up each morning and say: "No. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I might have no family, no history, no ties, no prospects - but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep living. I am going to survive this, and I am going to live to see good come of sorrow. To see joy come in the morning."

And that is all that really matters, I think. Keep going. Keep fighting. Wake up each morning and choose to live. Do the best you can with what you're given. Be the best you can with what you are. Live a life to glorify God, live your life to bring honour to him.

What other purpose is there, really? What else has any worth?

It's like running a race. (something that I hate with all within me, by the way.) I'm tired, I'm not as good as the rest, I stumble, i fall, I slow down, I can't breathe.... But I have to keep going, I want to reach the end. Some days I can fly, other days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But I keep going. It is a conscious choice on my part to cooperate with God, to choose him in everything.

it's a choice I fail at constantly - but it's still a choice I make. I'm well aware I'm not perfect... *sighs*

It would be so easy to give up, to stay where it is comfortable. it would be so easy to stay within the cage. I could get used to it - could tell myself it was where I belonged. I could live with it.

But I would die of it too, and I know that. the end is worth the fight, and I have to remember it. When I want to give up, when I want to stay with what I know: I have to remember that. i can't give in to despair, I can't countenence self-pity. I know the truth and that is what I must hold to. It will be worth it in the end, I know it.

I know it.

There is NO Dummy book for Adulting

I take it back. I take everything back. Whatever I've given.

I don't want to adult!!!!!!!

yes, I am going to sit here and whine....

I know, I know: I brought this on myself. This was my choice. I know - to a point - what I'm getting into. This is worth it. This is right. This is the way it has to be.

But come on! Seriously? Me? Budgets and lists and vehicles and jobs and and and and and.... and who thought it was a good idea to let little old me attempt this?

And fine, fine... I know, I'll learn, I'll catch on, I'll figure it out (hopefully) but it's so bloody overwhelming that....

I just sit here staring at it, at this pile that looms over me. So many choices, so many options... What do I do? What contingencies do I plan for? What could go wrong? What could go right? What should I do? and where do I ever even start????

There are a few things I am truly upset about in my youth. One of them is the lack of preparation I had for living life past highschool. School's over - what do I do now? If I want to get married and have a family, should I pursue a lengthy college route? If I want to pursue college, how should I go about it?

Where do I begin?

As a child, you have this idea that you'll grow up and you'll be smart and in control and won't ever have to anything you don't want to do. then you grow up and reach that magical 'adult' age and realise you feel the same then as you did at thirteen. You realise that it's all a lie and no one ever really disillusioned you!

Or is that just me?

I want to hide from it, deny it's happening, stay in my little safe cocoon for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that, right? RIGHT?

Nope. And I know it. I can't just give up, can't sit and settle. I have to keep going - I have to try. if I don't, I will always regret it - always wonder what might have been.

I mean, i might anyway; but better to take action than to sit.

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

A lot has changed since I've moved out, moved on. some for the better, maybe some for the worse. I have a spaghetti strap dress, I smile and laugh, I have friends, I pray..... sometimes it doesn't seem real, sometimes I'm terrified I'll mess it all up. I know I'm inexperienced, I know I'm young... I know that I know nothing else - but my insecurity is crippling sometimes. I can't imagine it would be worth it to try.

Who wants to be responsible? I mean, really? Who wants to be the one in charge? I feel like Tobias Fornell, irritating everyone just so he doesn't have to be in charge. Except that wouldn't work. figures.

Also! Fun bit of data! Self-harm is addicting??? Oh, right, yeah... another thing no one talks about I guess. *sighs* Who knew I would have to deal with that? I mean, I'm happy now - that means I shouldn't want to cut, right?

Yeah. Right. Apparently not. *sighs*

While we're talking about friends too - or while I am thinking about them - at what point is enough enough? when is it right to draw the line? Besides the obvious points... I mean, what happens when the differences are too massive? What happens when one can't discuss anything with a friend because it might be difficult? How does one handle that? When does it stop being worth it?

I just want the innocence of childhood back.

Actually, I'd like to have experienced it at all. Reader tells me to have fun but....

I don't want to face my coices. I don't want to be in charge. I feel like I'm going to fail, and I don't know how to avoid failing. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to learn.

Friends

Friendship. Friends. A good relationship. All necessary things, right?

Even I would agree and I am generally the Sherlock of my circle of associates: the sociopath. I am rather emotionless and...yeah.

That being said, now that I am allowed to have friends I definitely make an effort to cultivate them. I have friends, I have acquaintances, I have family - albeit adopted. I pray to God I am never so isolated again, and I make an earnest effort to take part in society now - to be social, to have friends.

It's not easy, but hey! I am learning to make decisions, to make boundaries. I am learning to prioritise. (It's adulting. It's REALLY not fun. why do we have to do this???)

But friends.... what is a friend? What friendships are important to work on, and what ones need to be set aside?

This is something I am struggling with and.... Well, I am at a loss. Everyone knows that whom you associate with affects you, but if we should associate with our betters but our betters would not associate with us...

"Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good morals."

More importantly than aspirations or character right now: what about belief? If a friendship cannot find some common ground from which to work for all serious matters, then is it really worth continuing? Is a friendship that is not strong enough to talk about anything that is truly important really worth putting into?

and friendship isn't a marriage. Marriage should be a friendship - but friendship is not a marriage. I have no right to ask my friends to compromise and change for me; nor would I respect them as much if they did. I would rather have an acquaintanceship with someone that could only fight with me rather than a friendship that compromised on what they believed just so they could remain friends with me. But....when a friend does stand up, does stick with beliefs that are so opposed to mine..... what to do then? When we both believe the other is in the wrong, what do we do then?

Suddenly, principles are put to the test and....

Life just cannot be simple, can it.

...to be fair, I am having this problem with a lot of friends. Just in different areas. So....while actually I think most of my friends will read this blog, just...know it's not just you.

*sighs*

THIS IS MY RANTING PAGE! GO AWAY IF IT BOTHERS YOU! Or stop being my friend if I insult you enough, but if you do that, then obviously the friendship was not worth it and that solves my problem. Leaves me in tears, but solves my problem.

But no. It really is bothering me. A friendship that avoids talking about anything serious because one or both sides will not consent to find common ground? How is that a friendship? A friendship that doesn't answer questions because  it is pointless or might offend? How is that a real friendship? A friendship that does not take 'no' for an answer, does not respect boundaries? How is that a good friendship?

Don't get me wrong. the Lord knows the mess I bring with me into relationships, but..... The people I have around me - I care about them. I want to know about them, to understand them. I give of myself and want to give to them, to lift them up. I profile people to help them better, so I learn them. Do I agree with all of my friends? Good gracious - no! For one thing, I have an unfortunate habit of meeting people (especially in the fanfiction community) whose sexuality is wrong. I do not agree with their beliefs on that, but...... I am not going to cut off all friendship just because of that. The same goes with lesser things. We are to love people - how are we to love people if we demand they change before they are worthy of that love?

Perhaps a bad example, but nonetheless. I do not hide my beliefs - or I try not to now. and I would not ask any friend to hide or compromise their beliefs either - even ones I believe are totally wrong. That would be wrong of me and I could not do it. Try to convince them, sure; pray for them, absolutely; but..... Not force them to change to keep the friendship. That would be a bad example. And I would not be able to respect or trust them again either.

But there should always be common ground. If not in the same denomination, then in the same faith. If not in the same faith, then in the same morals. If not in the same morals, what in the world have I gotten myself into??

....although, to be fair, it's not an unforeseen situation. *sighs*

I would never quit on this - not on something important. I just wish it wasn't so difficult, so confusing. I wish I didn't have to make decisions for myself - I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

Ah, but there's the rub.... for in that rest what abuse may come?

anyway..... There's my rant for the day....

Steve vs. Tony (A sort of Civil War post...)

I am... well, 'famous' wouldn't be the right word, would it be.... I am infamous for greatly admiring Captain America. No, I don't have a crush on him; I just... I admire him. If he were real, he would be my Saint; as he is fictional..... He exists in that nice foggy area where dreams and reality mesh.

I admire his character, his honour, his virtue, his pride, his diligence... I admire his virtues, his strengths. I see his flaws - or I see how he deals with his flaws. I see in him a template to shape a life after. I see in him a life to be proud of - a life I want to lead. I admire him, and I copy him because I want to be like him. I want to do what is right. I want to stand against bullies, wherever they are. I want to make the world a better place one thing at a time. I want to live my life in such a way that I bring glory to what I live for. I want to do something with my life so that I as a person disappear; but what I did lives on and grows outside me. I want....

he never sought glory for himself. He doesn't seek honour for himself. His is a face for America - for truth and justice and all the ideals that people forget. He only wanted to fight bullies, to protect what was right. He only wanted to do good.

That is his legacy. That is his life - that is all that matters. That was why the character was created. That is why the character is more real than fiction - he IS a face for ideals that are forgotten. He.... Oh, how can I say this without having seen the films....

My dad always said that the best stories came from things timeless - the classics that stood the test of time were all the same story. Look at the pantheons and legends and you will see he's right. Truth always comes back - it always slips in to shine. The best stories are the ones you can live by - the ones you can memorise and take to heart and in the end... In the end, the best stories are the ones that change YOU for the best.

I love Captain America, but Tony Stark....

I hate Stark because I am him.

We are flawed, broken - we look to the standard and we admire it, but we know we can never attain it. We look to perfection and despair. We look to what he wrought, and we try to do the same in our own humble ways; but it never turns out right - it often becomes worse. We go into things with the best of motives, and only end up digging the hole we are in even deeper.

Look at it - many people have pointed out that Tony was almost the Loki to Steve's Thor. (To use another reference to summarise...) What he does is always an attempt to get out of Steve's shadow - unconsciously though the Captain cast it. First, Tony tries by rebelling, and then he tries by imitating.

Then Steve comes back and once again he is in the shadow....

I despise Tony because in a way he is a reflection of what I AM, while Steve is what I WANT to BE. Why would I want to look at the broken self that I already know from the darkest night, when I can fix my eyes on a higher level that I can strive to reach?

and as there is hope for me, there is hope for Tony. Where we are now is not where we were when we started. He is an admirable character now, and I am unrecognisable from when I first stepped out. We are both struggling with our battles, and we fall and fail - but we always get back up. We don't know how to quit.

That more than anything makes us like the Captain.

Someday, we'll learn what matters. Some day we'll learn to put others before ourselves. someday we'll learn that we don't matter. Someday we'll learn to forgive ourselves and let go of our anger and bitterness. Someday....

Someday we'll learn to say: "No. You move."

The Giver - Another Rambling Post

It must have been a few months ago now that I watched The Giver. It was a surprisingly good film - although I've never read the books - and this post will spoil it. Warning - turn back now if you care about that.

I have no idea what the background of the book is - no idea the inspiration or the intent. I only know it dealt with heavy moral issues and didn't shy away from them. I enjoyed it immensely and would watch it again. And I loved how the monochromatic was handled! I do love black and white films....

However, in watching it, something stuck out to me: Jonas' joy.

As he gets the memories, as he starts to see colour - his joy is overwhelming; his excitement! His happiness is palpable and yet.....he is alone. He can share it with no one - his family, his friends....they know nothing of the wonder and the beauty he sees and learns. And that was so familiar to me - that joy that just...ends because there is no one to share it with.... It is familiar to me.

See, Jonas' awe and joy with the memories and the newly revealed world? Is exactly my reaction to Catholicism. It's wonderful and beautiful and real and full and so. good. But.....no one understands. They are all Protestants, and....I can't begin to explain this peace and joy I have been shown. I can't begin to explain what the world really is - how COLOURFUL it is. I am alone. And so was Jonas.

anyway, from that it went onward until the whole story SO much symbolised my path to Catholicism that I loved the film even more.

Jonas is me - the convert. He had his life planned out, he knew what he would do - what he would believe. He knew his world - knew its rules. He knew what was expected of him and he never really questioned it. And yet....he saw things - every now and then something didn't fit right in the world he had been taught. But he brushed it off and continued in his life - in his role.

And then the Giver comes along. Then Jonas is sent to a teacher who begins to upset everything.

But Jonas doesn't know that at first! At first, it is nothing more than a novelty - something that easily fits inside the world he has always known. They are easily reconciled. He has a few new memories, the starting of emotion..... But nothing really more. He goes about his day to day life and that is it.

But he is curious. He knows the truth and he returns to it. He starts to compare the two worlds - the one he has always been taught was the only truth and the one that is being revealed as the final truth - and he finds inconsistancies. He finds....lack on the part of his accepted world - more and more he returns to the memories, to the 'new' world.

And the Giver is patient - he shows him, he teaches him. He guides Jonas - tries to ease him into it.

Do you know how terrifying Catholicism is? At first at least.

For me, it was something beautiful but wrong. It was always beautiful. I have my classical books and films to thank for that - I have images of stained glass windows and cathedrals to thank for that. I have God to thank for that because if not for my love of history - of all things old and traditional? I doubt I would have ever considered the Church.

Catholics were....admirable but misguided. Admirable because they followed all of these rules and really believed them - like Muslims do - and yet misguided because they worshipped Mary and Saints, and believed they ate blood and flesh during Communion which is too gross to be true in Christianity, and followed tradition, and generally were just another man-made religion. And yet I admired them because they had age to reccommend them, and they always seemed to have rules to follow - prayers to pray and feasts to keep.... And as I grew older, I began to long for it as well as admire it because they were one - they weren't split into fifty denominations or something like Protestant's were. Of course, they worshipped Mary - something that became the only thing holding me back in the end - and so were unacceptable for a true Christian to join; but......I longed for the tradition, the surety, the sameness.

Desperation and curiosity pushed me to learn more - more the former than the latter. I set out with the promise that the moment anything contradicted Scripture that I would turn away and never consider it again. But nothing ever did.

Point....what was my point.....

This is why I write outlines everybody! I don't do too well with streams of consciousness....

I knew the world - I knew what was real and what wasn't. I knew what was true and what wasn't. I knew how to speak - how to act. It didn't matter that I myself had so much issues with Protestantism and my faith (it was nonexistant) - I still knew what was right.

But then my Giver came. Then there was a spark of truth, a flash of colour. It was slow at first, but then I wanted more - I wanted all of it. I still do. There was joy, depth, clarity...

Stumbling blocks, certainly. As Jonas was uncertain of the Giver so I very often pulled away from Catholicism. It scared me.  Still does at times. If Protestantism was right, then I am throwing away my salvation and turning to false gods. As Catholicism is right, none of my family are right. But they are content - it is all they had ever known. And I know what they know - the same monochromatic world with precision of language.... But there is a better world! There is a deeper truth.

Jonas wants to show joy, laughter, fun, love to his world - he was seeing all these wonderful things for the first time and he had no one to share them with.

Fiona is on the outside - she is his friend, his family. She is scared for him - she thrives in the world they were raised in - she has no desire for anything outside. He is asking her to look at water, to skip her medication, to try to feel - he is asking her..... He asks too much of her. But she tries.

I have a friend like that at least - a Protestant who will at least listen to me when I learn something new or find out something or just want to talk. She listens. She can't see the colours - but she at least listens.

And then I have the other friends that....don't. That can't see the colours and can't quite accept that I can. Well, they think I'm crazy - but still.

And then there are the people who think there is no difference at all between the world they see and the world I have come to see. They think it doesn't matter if one can see in colour or not - think it doesn't matter as long as the Trinity and Ressurection/Crucifixion are in place.

There is only one other Giver - I only know three Catholics. I want to show the whole world this greater and deeper truth I have been shown - I want everyone to be as relieved and overjoyed as I am! But I can't do that - I don't know how and.....

Eventually - the worlds stop meshing together. Eventually, the colour and the greyscale clash, and the memories and 'precision of language' contradict. Eventually, one has to choose. Do you stay with what's familiar? Do you stay with what you know? Do you take the easier route? Or do you take a risk? Do you trust the Truth?

Do you run away from the memories of war and pain, or do you speak against the lies?

It's terrifying. True, for me, Catholicism is the easier way because it makes SENSE - but....it's still the exact opposite of all I have been raised in. But it is still terrifying.

Things I took for granted - the Bible, the interpretation, the view of SCIENCE, morality... I can't take them for granted. Even after I have accepted Catholicism as true, I learn new things that...shake everything I've known.

At least I don't have weeks where I question the existence of God at all.....

But it is terrifying. And so lonely.

I don't wish I hadn't seen the Church. I don't wish it wasn't real. It's wonderful - worthwhile. But sometimes I wish I weren't alone.

Catholicism has all that Protestantism had - but more. Where once God was distant, seemingly uncaring for the blind, stupid Christian's struggling along; now he is loving, providing for all sorts of people. He is merciful.

I doubt I'll ever really get rid of what I've learnt in Protestantism. It's what I was raised in - my paradigm. And yet....it's like Narnia. Compared to the world without God, Narnia is vibrant and real and so very, very, very tangible. But when you go to Aslan's land? The REAL Narnia?

That's what Catholicism is, in a way. Going deeper and further into vibrancy and colour and faith and always finding new truths - new wonders. It never ends - I can keep going and exploring and God will keep teaching me.

I feel so lonely sometimes. But compared to what I felt before? At least now there are Angels, Saints - I'm not reallly alone. And my prayers are heard. It's a relief.

A rant. (Yes, in reply to some conversations but this is largely directed at myself..... And as an explanation of sorts.)

What is wrong with me? Why do i prefer the anti-heroes, the villain? Good writing? Drama? Angst? Hurt? What is wrong with me that I prefer the tears to the happiness? What is wrong with me that I'll prefer the funeral to the happy end?

I say it's writing - that it makes for a more impactful story.

I say it's real. That I don't believe in fairytales.

And it's true.

So what is wrong with me?

Am I a psychopath? A Sociopath? Are they the same thing? Does it even matter? Was I born this way? Made this way? Can I change? Do I WANT to change?

What is wrong with me?

Does it even matter?

One moment I am happy. The next I can't move for the sheer futility of everything.

Oh, you optimists....how I envy you.... Oh you good people - I envy you. It doesn't matter that everyone has their own problems - that you might be dealing with something that is as debilitating to you as mine are to me. I don't know that - I just see the facade. The mask. It doesn't matter. To my mind, I am beaten down and you somehow still carry on. I see the world in shades of black and tears and you somehow find the good in things. enjoy things.

And you know what's worse? I don't know if I even want to change - if I want to stop seeing black. I don't know if I want to give this up. This is all I know. All I've ever known. It's safe. I'll be cold. I'll be harsh. I'll be on the offense. I will do what it takes to protect myself.

Then? The only enemy I have to fight is myself. I might be steadily losing that fight - but at least I know my enemy. At least I expect the hurt and the hate and the betrayal.

And yeah. I know. I overthink the whole bloody mess.

I DON'T CARE!! I know the arguments. I know the solutions. But planning the future? I am struggling with the next minute - the next hour. I can't manage days ahead. Weeks ahead. I just...I can't. I start panicking worse and fretting and I generally work myself into hysteria.

And I can stop overthinking, sure. I can stop fretting. I can calm down.

But the only way I know how to do that? Shut it all up. Shut it up and lock it away and....and it's just left there festering until the next time I work myself up.

I just....I just want a hug. A promise it will be alright. A distraction. A commiseration - no, not even that. I just.....I want answers but I can't handle them. I need help but I can't get it. I am hurting myself mentally just as much as if I took a razor to my skin and I am falling apart. Whatever I do is cause for hate - whatever I do is wrong. I could have done better or I couldn't do worse. I could have done more or I couldn't do less.

I. can't. stop.

And I'm bloody sick of the platitudes - all of the answers inside my head I BLOODY WELL KNOW THEM!!

I'm.....

I'm pathetic.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to get better?

I just want to give up. I just want to stop. I wish I could shut down. Stop feeling. Stop being. I wish I could be rewritten - that I could just...go away, mentally. I want to take a break. I want to...rest. I want to rebuild myself.

But can I? Is it even possible? Especially for me?

What if they're right? What if I'm a psychopath? Or a sociopath whatever the difference is.... What if I am unable to stop lying? What if I'm just imagining everything - being a hypochondriac? What if I'm just lazy? A drama queen? What if I am just using those around me? What if I am hurtful to be around? What if they are right to fear me? What if I am the poison? Why can't i stop THINKING????

And what good is the truth if I do nothing with it?

I can't do this. I....I can't.

But I have to. I always have to.

Short and Sweet

...I KNEW I forgot someone!!

There's another major character in the book!!

James Conrad, but basically only called 'Jamie'. He is the youngest at about age fifteen, more or less.

In the dream, originally he and Jason were the same person. I split them into two characters because the shift in roles was so violent and opossite that it didn't quite work (although it would have been VERY interesting....) and thus have Jamie and Jason.

So sue me, my names aren't always brilliant....

Jamie isn't really an orphan, but his dad died in prison and his mother abandoned him so he is raised in the orphanage. For all intents and purposes, he is an orphan. He's too smart for his own good, and loves murder mysteries.

He sort of attatches himself to Adam, to Adam's immense displeasure.... He is a source of great amusement for me, but I enjoy children.....

I can't believe I forgot Jamie.... James is about as centric as either Detective!!

 ...now, a month later, I will finish this post.

Or at least post it.

I am exhausted and can never stop running and I'm fretting but learning so. much. and.....

Yeah. I'm tired.

But! Opera!!

I got to see an opera. *Grins* It was fun. I loved it, unsurprisingly.

And I finished my dress in time! yay!

*sighs*

And....yeah. That's about it.

I'm posting this. Mostly for the first half.