Dalmations or Spots or Posts?

So I didn't realise that my last past was my one hundredth post - so here is my hundred and first!

Actually, I am just writing because: I finished my book!!! I mean, like, I actually sat down to write a book and I FINISHED IT! It has a plot and character developement and.....I can't believe it. Two hundred and fifty pages and I am in shock. I finished it. It took a while what with the formatting, and the ending might be really rushed but...... Well, given I plan to add an entirely new arc to the middle of the book, I'll have to rewrite the ending anyway.

But still. I am the person of a hundred ideas and a thousand worlds and a million characters and not a single finished story. So what if this story is originally fanfiction? So what if it is a Christmas present that is hopelessly late? So what if I will have to change all of the names? I don't really care - I am just ecstatic that I actually accomplished this. I mean, I finished this - maybe I can publish it! Maybe I can actually publish a book! Maybe I cando what I have always wanted to do! I mean, yeah, sure, it's not like I'll be famous - but I don't care. I will have a book.

Also, yes, apparently I am celebrating my one hundred and first post with the return of my gif game.

Huzzah! I, at least, missed it.

Alright, alright, yes - back on topic.

I really wish I weren't so excited about this. I just want this happy feeling to last - this hope to last. I don't want to deal with more disappointment now.... I just want to bind the book for my friend, and then edit the digital copy, and just pretend that I can make a cover and publish a book and people will like it.

I mean, come on - I write about womanising and trafficking and torture and rape.....I don't exactly have a wide circle of friends who will enjoy that. Or be allowed to read it, for that matter.

And sure, yeah, I plan on publishing a first edition that is cleaned of that plot point, but I mean.....

The fact that I can use that gif ought to say a lot...

But I mean really - what would ever be my audience? My friends?

And the strange thing is that this book is that is nothing like I ever wanted to write. I never wanted to write a romance book, or a spy book - I always shied away from anything set on Earth. I wrote fantasy - I twisted myths to fit my imaginings. I was never supposed to write....this.

But here it is. And it isn't horrific. It's alright. And it is done. Honestly, that alone is a stupendous acheivement. Sure, it's not actually published yet - but it's started. I started it, and finished it. I had the intention of writing a novel, and i actually did it. I DID SOMETHING!!!

....and now I just realised that I don't actually have a title for the book. I've been calling it 'book' for all this time, the 'Cass/Karg book'.... Darn it. I can't title!

I'll just have to ask everyone who reads it for title ideas.

Along with everyone else.

And think up a list of questions to ask everyone that reads it.

Figures.

Ooohhh! I had another point and now i've forgotten it, darn it.....

Oh wait, I remembered!

So, a question for anyone reading this: what is your opinion on copywrit, the lapse thereof and things going into public domain? I'd love to hear it! *grins*

The Greatest Show

....Ladies and Gents, this is the moment you've waited for.



Oh, boy.

My apologies to all that are irritated - actually , you know what? I make no apologies. I am sorry I talk through films, but I can't bloody well stop, and I will just make an effort to not watch films with you.

That being said! Oh, this film was awesome. Really weak on the points of showing Barnum's life, but I don't think that was ever the point. The point was family, following your dreams, making your own family, being yourself, standing up for yourself, not conforming to society..... That was the point of the film, and that came out. Money isn't everything, and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb, and you can fulfill your dreams no matter how old you are - it is never to late to change. That was what I came away with, and that is the way I half-expected it to go, so I was not disappointed.

The other half of me expected it to be an awful romance and I was so relieved that was not the case.

And yes, I am unrepetant about singing the songs through the film. It is not my fault that I've already heard the soundtrack about twenty times! It was just really fun.

Also, I am blaming it entirely on Star Wars: WE HAD TO STAND IN LINE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD IT WAS FOUR DEGREES OUTSIDE PEOPLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!

Okay, so I froze. And i should have brought more cough drops.

Fortunately, we made it into the theatre before the film started, but it was barely a minute to spare.

Literally.

It was worth it. The theatre room was actually almost full too - so strange: usually it's empty! - but it was better because then there are all of these other people here to watch a musical and I wasn't the only one singing the songs!!

"I'm not scared to be seen - I make no apologies. This is me."

No, I am totally not going to be annoying everyone with those songs for the next week at least..... Nope, not at all.

And you know what? You can cry about everything. Trust me, it's a thing. You don't have to have specific reasons to cry, alright? It's okay to just cry. Sometimes you are crying about literally contradictory things: IT IS ALRIGHT!

No, no. Sorry. I have no idea what I am crying about. I don't know what's going on inside me. To be fair, I don't entirely - but I have a good enough grasp to be able to USE the word 'everything'. I mean, sorry, did you want me to enumerate? Shall I go through the list of every little cut you have put on me? Shall I got through every - oh wait, you don't like me whining? I'm so sorry about that - please stop asking then, okay? I can do without your faux care. I'd rather you just leave me alone rather than ask me how I am and then belittle my honest answer. Sorry for burdening you.

You know what your issue is? Get out of yourself, okay? Grow up. Look around. Realise that, sorry, sometimes people can't just 'mind over matter' things away - sometimes the mind is your worst enemy and mind over mind just gives you a headache and leaves you crying for two, three hours straight.

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Your mind can literally be trying to kill you. Your mind can make you doubt every friend you have, and make you hurt them by being unable to trust them. Your mind can make you lash out at the people trying to help you because THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT SORRY YOU CAN'T JUST BUCK UP AT TAKE IT AND BE FINE SUDDENLY!!

But no, sorry, 'everything' isn't an acceptable answer, sorry, you are the expert of course.

You wonder why we fight? Because I bloody well can't talk to you.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood - gonna drown them out. I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I'm meant to be: this is me."

Rambling Post Stretching Over Several Days...

I get off work! I get my weekend.

We are going shopping today and I am SO dressing up. I pincurled my hair, I am going to do my makeup, I have a dark outfit all picked out.... I don't mind wearing the uniform - I really don't. But I get SO bored of not being able to express myself. No fandom things, no religious things...... It's boring. The rules make sense though, thankfully; otherwise I would really be in trouble. So! I'll settle for goign and picking up my paycheck all decked out.

Which reminds me of  a question! Why can't we talk about how much we get paid? What is the point of that? What does it matter? Why is it impolite to talk about our paychecks? It isn't in my Post Etiquette book - which is for women from the fifties, I will grant.... - so....answers? please? Because that rule doesn't make any sense. Unless ones employer is being unjust, it should make no difference if we discuss our paychecks.

I want to do something for Christmas.

Well, no - what I actually want to do is forget about all of it and skip the whole holiday, but....yeah. I can't. So. I want to do something.

Except it is on my weekend which means I don't want to do anything and I just want to recoup for the next work week.

I really do like the work though. I think I am getting better at what I have been taught because I don't get nearly as nervous and I don't feel sick anymore, and my feet aren't in agonising pain anymore!!! I still might get some arch supports - I don't know.


So! This is coming out! I'm not sure what I think about it, honestly. I love musicals, and the other one Jackman was in wasn't half bad; but....this could either be really cool or really bad. I'm not sure yet.

Irregradless, I am going to go see it. Sometime. whenever my schedule allows. Maybe next Tuesday..... Actually, it would probably be better to watch it on the Sunday after next in the evening showing. I should try for that....

Anyway! Moving on.... To what, I don't know - but I am.

So adulting sucks. Is this news to anyone? If it is, sorry for the spoiler alert. Guess what! Life only gets worse. It's hard. It's icky. it's a mess. It's painful. And you know what? It's worth it. It is SO worth it. It's exciting. It's happy. It's....it is worth the fight. It really is.

You just have to remember that on the bad days.

Like when you're sick in misery and have to call in sick for work. Sorry, NOT what I wanted to do. I need the money!!!! Especially as we're going into the dead months where no money comes in..... Figures.

On a funny side note: Les Miserables is SUCH an overdramatic film! I mean, seriously! Javert and Valjean are.....drama queens! Maybe putting on a musical while two sick people sleep through it isn't the best idea really... But we did have fun mocking the dramatics of the two characters. And everyone else really.

I'm not sure if this blog is worth the work, really... I mean, what is the point? Is this really doing any good? No one reads this - I might as well just write in my journal. Except I never write in that either now....

But at least in my journal I don't have to censor since I really am the only audience.

I don't know quite what to do. Logic tells me that I have to open up to people, I have to learn to...trust.

But I can't. I think everyone is laughing at me behind my back - I expect everyone hates me when they are not in front of my face. I believe nothing anyone says - I am convinced that they are just putting up with me. i am convinced that I am infuriating and hurting them and they cannot wait to be rid of me.

And no matter how many times I apologise, no matter how many times they tell me it isn't true, I can't stop thinking it. I am terrifed I am driving everyone away, but I really deserve to do so.....

I don't know what to do.


Merry Christmas!

So yes, this post covers about a week, my apologies.... I needed to get rid of these drafts, and decided to just lump them all together.

Christmas..... No family, no siblings, nothing I am used to or look forward to, no biscuits and gravy, no lasagna, no Christmas Carol..... In fact, we were all sick.

I got to go to Mass though! and then got invited to a Christmas dinner with a few of the other parishoners, and got to discuss fashion, so I actually did have fun; but....

I realised something. Yeah, sure, Jesus is the Reason for the Season but....not really. there is nothing that ties him to it. Everything is all tied in family and decorations - nothing is deeper. For all that we talk about Jesus being the meaning for Christmas...there is nothing that tied him to it. Once I lost my traditions, my family, the day became meaningless.

It was awful, and I want to fix it now.

I haven't a clue as to how.

So yay! More things about myself I need to fix. Lovely.

Premonitions

So we're watching Stargate: Atlantis.

Apparently, a seven or eight year break is enough to at least make it interesting enough, but not nearly enough to actually forget the show. I remember every episode and I really hate it sometimes. I would just like to be surprised again - not remember everything that's going on.

Back to point, I'm sitting here watching "The Storm" and "The Eye" and remembering some of the first fanfictions I ever read. Sitting here, bored, I looked up one.

Oh, young, innocent, thirteen year old self who barely understood tags and looked up a story about cutting and utterly missed the point of the story.

I mean, all I remembered of the story was McKay had a bad reaction to dealing with a pathetic attempt at torture in one episode (like, seriously. The cut was maybe three inches long and barely a gash: it was pathetic. He only suffered pain - no other side effects.) and basically suffered PTSD. A fun hurt/comfort story for a main character, right? Nothing too demanding, right? Normal story for fanfiction, and actually surprisingly clean. a good story to read to finish up the loose ends of the episode arc that was actually well done.

And then I read it and find out it's actually about a severely depressed character who cuts more and more - first as punishment and then as a desperate attempt to cope. Suddenly, it's an incredibly deep story, and an utterly different story than what I read when i was thirteen.

Thirteen year old me: how did you miss that? How could you have been so innocent to completely miss that McKay was cutting himself? How did you miss that he was scarring himself so much that he covered his arms and legs and stomach? How did you miss that? How did you miss that it wasn't PTSD - how did you think that it was just that night, and the original canonical injury was still bleeding all over the place when Sheppherd found him? How did you miss....everything.

Thirteen year old me: when did you change? When did you lose your innocence? When did you grow up? Where did you go - how did I lose you?

Now I have scars of my own. Now I intimately understand the dark nights alone when no one is there to hold you or help you know what is real. Now I know the feeling of not feeling the pain. Now I know what it is to know full well every fault you have - to deserve the pain and anger others direct at you.

"I'm a failure and far too arrogant to have friends. It was only a matter of time before you all realized it." He seemed so resigned to the fact that this was all going to happen eventually.

Oh, how true that is. I am so arrogant - so messed up. I am destroying every relationship I am in. I am a whiny brat - I am a monster. I am.....I am all I tell my friends they are not. I am cruel, I am broken. I desperately just want to rest - I just want a chance.....

I cannot ask for it. No one will give it to me.

What is someone supposed to say in this situation? I'm sorry? Why would you do this? Was it really so bad that you had to resort to hurting yourself?

I just....I don't want words. I don't want answers. I have answers. I want help. I want support.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Every time I open up to someone, I hurt them.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything - for every hurt, for every tear. I just want to make things right. I just want to fix everything. I want to shove everyone away until I can't hurt anyone. I don't really matter - I am not that important. I can deal with the pain I have - I can live with it. No one else should have to. It is not right that I ask anyone else to. I should be left alone - I deserve to be. No one should feel guilty about hurting me, about leaving me. I deserve it.

Thirteen year old self, you're in for hell; and you're going to visit it on others just as much as you bring it on yourself. Enjoy your fanfiction - some day you'll realise what you became.

Just Regain Your Sensitivity!

I got a new laptop! Well, old laptop that finally got fixed. No Windows on it - I've got Ubuntu on it. It works well. New operating system to learn though - and good grief was Chrome hard to install!

But it's working, and so far I'm liking it as much if not better than Windows. Problems: I can't play my PC games!! *Sighs* Always a catch....

Someone asked me recently why I don't retrain myself. We were talking about my taste in movies, how I was corrupted from a very young age (read: two) and really don't have the best taste in movies. My standards are really low on content, as long as the plot is really good. It makes it hard to recommend films and shows to others since usually it means that most of my friends can't watch the stuff I do. Irritating.

But a friend and I were talking, and she asked why I don't just....stop watching bad content. Why don't I regain my sensitivity.

My immediate answer was that I still want to watch something, and there is a serious lack of quality content in the world; but I was thinking about it. It's really not that at all. I probably will go through my tastes again at some point and correct them, but right now? The reason I don't correct myself there is because I have too many other things to fix. I can't do everything, so i focus on what is important first. Right now, I need to stop cutting, and I need to deal with and heal from my abuse. I need to learn to not be abusive myself. I need to learn how to have healthy relationships.

After that? Movies isn't that important. I can work on that later. I can't fix everything at once - I'm not perfect, and that would be counterproductive anyway as the failure to be perfect and fixed would send me into severe depression again. Well, more severe at least.

I don't know  how to explain it. There is so much wrong with me, so much that I need to fix. I know my own flaws, and I probably invent even more of them to worry about them. I can see nothing good in myself, and recently I found out that the few good things I knew were actually little better than poison. So I focus on what I can. Little pieces. Baby steps. One step at a time, and I can get over the mountain. If I look at the mountain itself? I will have a panic attack. Again.

My depression itself is mountain enough. I don't know if or how I will ever scale it. It has always been there with me - I don't even know what I would be without it. I can't fix everything - I can't even look at everything.

And I don't want to bother anyone. *smiles* At least we've got that down pat.

I did have some help with learning myself the other day. I do like helping people - I love it. I love children. I love learning.

The question of course then is: how can I use those for life besides motherhood?

I found something out this morning. Apparently, a simplistic definition of depression is 'anger turned inwards on oneself'. Simple, but true. Even if the cause of anger is the depression in the first place, usually depression leads to be angry with oneself.

Or at least in all of the cases I know.

How do you deal with it? It's easy to recognise the suicidal depression - that's obvious. When you're suicidal, you know you're depressed. If you're just depressed? Then you don't want to bother anyone - you don't want to be weak. You know you shouldn't be so weak. You have to be better - you have to take care of yourself. You don't have a reason to be feeling bad, to be lonely or guilty. You are sitting there in yourself and you hate that you are doing this, but....

It's a vicious cycle and it's so hard to even see it when you're stuck in it.

and then when you finally learn to take time for yourself? Then you're wallowing and having a pity party and you're a terrible person and how dare you do what it takes to keep yourself somewhat sane?

How does one explain it? How does one heal but not hurt everyone around you that cares about you?

And the Adulting Fun Continues....

Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!

Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.

So! Moving on.

Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.

Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.

I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.

I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?

Right. Therapist's orders.

I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.

And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.

Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.

And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!

I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.

But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.

This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.

It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.

I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.

I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.

And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.

But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.

Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.

Stand My Ground

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye

It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world

I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. Casualties of war. Phrases from movies or books or songs. Ideas that are distant and across the ocean. Nothing that is real and personal.

Right?

So what do you do when you are collateral damage? What do you do when you are the intended target? What do you do when you are caught in the crossfire? What do you do when you pull the trigger yourself?

ah, the minefield of life, the battlefield of adulting....

So I learned about something today: Complex post traumatic stress disorder. A charming little thing. Very interesting. Disassociation, numbness, depression....a veritable world of fun.

throw that in the blender, add a heaping serving of stress, shake in the seasoning of abusive leanings, stir in some really unhealthy coping mechanisms and turn on the blades of 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why are you alive?' and voila! My life.

Okay, okay. So Obvious my head is still keeping above the disaster area that is the muck of...whatever you want to call the abused, depressed disaster inside my head. I'm still treading water. For now. Usually. Most days. On good days.

What did someone tell me recently..... "Two steps back and one step forward is still moving forward"?

It just hurts a lot, those two steps backward. The step forward hurts too. Reopening another wound, realising I was hemorhaging somewhere all this time, getting hit on the head with the neon sign after I missed the letters.....

I am tired.

I am frustrated, caught in the middle, struggling to know myself, and trying to get my feet beneath me long enough to stand. I feel as if every time I get a foot up, something else gets thrown at me and I am tossed back into the maelstrom of everything going on. I feel as if I have no hope, as if I will never succeed. I feel as if I have made a mistake in trying this - in trying to heal and be something. I feel....

I feel nothing. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and stomach that is just sort of...there. No real feeling - just a weight. Just something squishing everything. I feel trapped, cornered. I feel worthless. I feel as if I am a burden, as if I only ever destroy. I feel as if every single good thing bout me, I only know how to misuse.

I only know enough to know that I am a mess. to myself, I am normal - I am right. I am all I have known.But when I am hurting those around me, when I am destroying the friends that are the only family I have left..... I am in the wrong, and I have to get better.

Just as with the Lord's mercy I will never be abused again, I also desperately pray that I will not be an abuser. It terrifies me more than the thought of seeing Dad again does. I know I do it, I have the tendencies, and it is all I was taught. Bad teaching, but teaching nonetheless.

I somehow have to heal without knowing what to heal. I have to have healthy relationships with no clue as to what is 'healthy'. I have to be independent with no idea who to trust to teach me how to be. I have to....

I have to, I have to, I have to; and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and just...stop.

I want to stop. Stop everything. I want to stop feeling, stop not feeling. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop planning. I want to stop being. I want to stop caring. I just want to stop.

I will be alright. Of course I will be.

I don't even really know what's wrong with me. I wrote this post to try to maybe unravel some of it, but I don't know how. I am caught between two sides, and I don't know where to step - how to act.

"Be careful not to be caught in the crossfire."

Sorry. I think I already got riddled a few times. Now I think I might be caught three ways, with myself shooting as well.

Isn't that a lovely picture.....

Have fun with your thanksgivings. Have fun with your normal little heads. Have fun with your good families and support systems.

Pray for those of us who don't even know what a healthy relationship is, let alone how to act in one. Pray that we can keep from destroying and throwing away everything worthwhile as we heal.

We desperately need the prayers.

I Fear neither Pain Nor Death

so. Yes. I am still posting on here. More often as I get the hang of typing VERY quickly and organising my thoughts the night before.

and taking a few weeks to publish the finished post.

But I am posting! I actuyally have internet here when I thought I wouldn't.

I know, I know - this does little good since no one is reading this since no one thinks I'm posting....but hey! This is supposed to be my rant into the ether anyway. I'm used to the solitude.

So I FINALLY got to watch the second Lord of the Rings again yesterday (I watched the first about two months ago or something...) and it was kind of....strange how fitting so much was to myself?

maybe it's just that after reading the Anne Shirley books and feeling like someone studied me and my personality and copied it exactly for Anne (seriously. it was disconcerting!), I was a bit more sensitive to that. That, and apparently I have memorised the films WAY too much and nitpicked the whole thing. Don't get me wrong! I still loved it! But seriously! I need their hair-care tips.

Especially since I had to go off of my baking soda shampoo - it was working so well too! But It wasn't cleaning my hair anymore so... *sighs* Back to normal shampoo I go. Now my hair is always greasy, of course....

I seriously just want to cry - I hate greasy hair, but every time I use shampoo, my hair never stays clean! I just want clean hair - how hard is that????

But back to the topic at hand: cages.

I would say that I'm obviously not in the same situation as Eowyn was, but there are too many correlations for that to be true. So I will stick with saying that I don't have right and wrong as easily laid out for me as she did.

But oh..... A cage. I don't fear death, I don't fear pain, I don't fear....much of anything; except nothing. I fear wasting my life, I fear taking inaction and living to bitterly regret it. I would rather step out and fail miserably than stay where I am comfortable and forever wonder 'what if'.

I fear wasting my life. I fear not living the life God would want me to. I fear being miserable. I fear settling for comfort rather than the right thing. I fear.....

I fear a cage. I fear being unwanted, unloved. I fear hurting those around me. I fear doing nothing great with my life - doing nothing worthwhile.

(Of course, if we follow through with the relation to Eowyn, I would love to marry, to have someone love me.... But there isn't a great evil to put me with anyone if there is one so... Sorry, yes, I'm digressing.)

I know. It's a choice. I have to wake up each morning and say: "No. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I might have no family, no history, no ties, no prospects - but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep living. I am going to survive this, and I am going to live to see good come of sorrow. To see joy come in the morning."

And that is all that really matters, I think. Keep going. Keep fighting. Wake up each morning and choose to live. Do the best you can with what you're given. Be the best you can with what you are. Live a life to glorify God, live your life to bring honour to him.

What other purpose is there, really? What else has any worth?

It's like running a race. (something that I hate with all within me, by the way.) I'm tired, I'm not as good as the rest, I stumble, i fall, I slow down, I can't breathe.... But I have to keep going, I want to reach the end. Some days I can fly, other days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But I keep going. It is a conscious choice on my part to cooperate with God, to choose him in everything.

it's a choice I fail at constantly - but it's still a choice I make. I'm well aware I'm not perfect... *sighs*

It would be so easy to give up, to stay where it is comfortable. it would be so easy to stay within the cage. I could get used to it - could tell myself it was where I belonged. I could live with it.

But I would die of it too, and I know that. the end is worth the fight, and I have to remember it. When I want to give up, when I want to stay with what I know: I have to remember that. i can't give in to despair, I can't countenence self-pity. I know the truth and that is what I must hold to. It will be worth it in the end, I know it.

I know it.