A rant. (Yes, in reply to some conversations but this is largely directed at myself..... And as an explanation of sorts.)

What is wrong with me? Why do i prefer the anti-heroes, the villain? Good writing? Drama? Angst? Hurt? What is wrong with me that I prefer the tears to the happiness? What is wrong with me that I'll prefer the funeral to the happy end?

I say it's writing - that it makes for a more impactful story.

I say it's real. That I don't believe in fairytales.

And it's true.

So what is wrong with me?

Am I a psychopath? A Sociopath? Are they the same thing? Does it even matter? Was I born this way? Made this way? Can I change? Do I WANT to change?

What is wrong with me?

Does it even matter?

One moment I am happy. The next I can't move for the sheer futility of everything.

Oh, you optimists....how I envy you.... Oh you good people - I envy you. It doesn't matter that everyone has their own problems - that you might be dealing with something that is as debilitating to you as mine are to me. I don't know that - I just see the facade. The mask. It doesn't matter. To my mind, I am beaten down and you somehow still carry on. I see the world in shades of black and tears and you somehow find the good in things. enjoy things.

And you know what's worse? I don't know if I even want to change - if I want to stop seeing black. I don't know if I want to give this up. This is all I know. All I've ever known. It's safe. I'll be cold. I'll be harsh. I'll be on the offense. I will do what it takes to protect myself.

Then? The only enemy I have to fight is myself. I might be steadily losing that fight - but at least I know my enemy. At least I expect the hurt and the hate and the betrayal.

And yeah. I know. I overthink the whole bloody mess.

I DON'T CARE!! I know the arguments. I know the solutions. But planning the future? I am struggling with the next minute - the next hour. I can't manage days ahead. Weeks ahead. I just...I can't. I start panicking worse and fretting and I generally work myself into hysteria.

And I can stop overthinking, sure. I can stop fretting. I can calm down.

But the only way I know how to do that? Shut it all up. Shut it up and lock it away and....and it's just left there festering until the next time I work myself up.

I just....I just want a hug. A promise it will be alright. A distraction. A commiseration - no, not even that. I just.....I want answers but I can't handle them. I need help but I can't get it. I am hurting myself mentally just as much as if I took a razor to my skin and I am falling apart. Whatever I do is cause for hate - whatever I do is wrong. I could have done better or I couldn't do worse. I could have done more or I couldn't do less.

I. can't. stop.

And I'm bloody sick of the platitudes - all of the answers inside my head I BLOODY WELL KNOW THEM!!

I'm.....

I'm pathetic.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to get better?

I just want to give up. I just want to stop. I wish I could shut down. Stop feeling. Stop being. I wish I could be rewritten - that I could just...go away, mentally. I want to take a break. I want to...rest. I want to rebuild myself.

But can I? Is it even possible? Especially for me?

What if they're right? What if I'm a psychopath? Or a sociopath whatever the difference is.... What if I am unable to stop lying? What if I'm just imagining everything - being a hypochondriac? What if I'm just lazy? A drama queen? What if I am just using those around me? What if I am hurtful to be around? What if they are right to fear me? What if I am the poison? Why can't i stop THINKING????

And what good is the truth if I do nothing with it?

I can't do this. I....I can't.

But I have to. I always have to.