There is NO Dummy book for Adulting

I take it back. I take everything back. Whatever I've given.

I don't want to adult!!!!!!!

yes, I am going to sit here and whine....

I know, I know: I brought this on myself. This was my choice. I know - to a point - what I'm getting into. This is worth it. This is right. This is the way it has to be.

But come on! Seriously? Me? Budgets and lists and vehicles and jobs and and and and and.... and who thought it was a good idea to let little old me attempt this?

And fine, fine... I know, I'll learn, I'll catch on, I'll figure it out (hopefully) but it's so bloody overwhelming that....

I just sit here staring at it, at this pile that looms over me. So many choices, so many options... What do I do? What contingencies do I plan for? What could go wrong? What could go right? What should I do? and where do I ever even start????

There are a few things I am truly upset about in my youth. One of them is the lack of preparation I had for living life past highschool. School's over - what do I do now? If I want to get married and have a family, should I pursue a lengthy college route? If I want to pursue college, how should I go about it?

Where do I begin?

As a child, you have this idea that you'll grow up and you'll be smart and in control and won't ever have to anything you don't want to do. then you grow up and reach that magical 'adult' age and realise you feel the same then as you did at thirteen. You realise that it's all a lie and no one ever really disillusioned you!

Or is that just me?

I want to hide from it, deny it's happening, stay in my little safe cocoon for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that, right? RIGHT?

Nope. And I know it. I can't just give up, can't sit and settle. I have to keep going - I have to try. if I don't, I will always regret it - always wonder what might have been.

I mean, i might anyway; but better to take action than to sit.

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

A lot has changed since I've moved out, moved on. some for the better, maybe some for the worse. I have a spaghetti strap dress, I smile and laugh, I have friends, I pray..... sometimes it doesn't seem real, sometimes I'm terrified I'll mess it all up. I know I'm inexperienced, I know I'm young... I know that I know nothing else - but my insecurity is crippling sometimes. I can't imagine it would be worth it to try.

Who wants to be responsible? I mean, really? Who wants to be the one in charge? I feel like Tobias Fornell, irritating everyone just so he doesn't have to be in charge. Except that wouldn't work. figures.

Also! Fun bit of data! Self-harm is addicting??? Oh, right, yeah... another thing no one talks about I guess. *sighs* Who knew I would have to deal with that? I mean, I'm happy now - that means I shouldn't want to cut, right?

Yeah. Right. Apparently not. *sighs*

While we're talking about friends too - or while I am thinking about them - at what point is enough enough? when is it right to draw the line? Besides the obvious points... I mean, what happens when the differences are too massive? What happens when one can't discuss anything with a friend because it might be difficult? How does one handle that? When does it stop being worth it?

I just want the innocence of childhood back.

Actually, I'd like to have experienced it at all. Reader tells me to have fun but....

I don't want to face my coices. I don't want to be in charge. I feel like I'm going to fail, and I don't know how to avoid failing. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to learn.