I Fear neither Pain Nor Death

so. Yes. I am still posting on here. More often as I get the hang of typing VERY quickly and organising my thoughts the night before.

and taking a few weeks to publish the finished post.

But I am posting! I actuyally have internet here when I thought I wouldn't.

I know, I know - this does little good since no one is reading this since no one thinks I'm posting....but hey! This is supposed to be my rant into the ether anyway. I'm used to the solitude.

So I FINALLY got to watch the second Lord of the Rings again yesterday (I watched the first about two months ago or something...) and it was kind of....strange how fitting so much was to myself?

maybe it's just that after reading the Anne Shirley books and feeling like someone studied me and my personality and copied it exactly for Anne (seriously. it was disconcerting!), I was a bit more sensitive to that. That, and apparently I have memorised the films WAY too much and nitpicked the whole thing. Don't get me wrong! I still loved it! But seriously! I need their hair-care tips.

Especially since I had to go off of my baking soda shampoo - it was working so well too! But It wasn't cleaning my hair anymore so... *sighs* Back to normal shampoo I go. Now my hair is always greasy, of course....

I seriously just want to cry - I hate greasy hair, but every time I use shampoo, my hair never stays clean! I just want clean hair - how hard is that????

But back to the topic at hand: cages.

I would say that I'm obviously not in the same situation as Eowyn was, but there are too many correlations for that to be true. So I will stick with saying that I don't have right and wrong as easily laid out for me as she did.

But oh..... A cage. I don't fear death, I don't fear pain, I don't fear....much of anything; except nothing. I fear wasting my life, I fear taking inaction and living to bitterly regret it. I would rather step out and fail miserably than stay where I am comfortable and forever wonder 'what if'.

I fear wasting my life. I fear not living the life God would want me to. I fear being miserable. I fear settling for comfort rather than the right thing. I fear.....

I fear a cage. I fear being unwanted, unloved. I fear hurting those around me. I fear doing nothing great with my life - doing nothing worthwhile.

(Of course, if we follow through with the relation to Eowyn, I would love to marry, to have someone love me.... But there isn't a great evil to put me with anyone if there is one so... Sorry, yes, I'm digressing.)

I know. It's a choice. I have to wake up each morning and say: "No. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going. I might have no family, no history, no ties, no prospects - but I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep living. I am going to survive this, and I am going to live to see good come of sorrow. To see joy come in the morning."

And that is all that really matters, I think. Keep going. Keep fighting. Wake up each morning and choose to live. Do the best you can with what you're given. Be the best you can with what you are. Live a life to glorify God, live your life to bring honour to him.

What other purpose is there, really? What else has any worth?

It's like running a race. (something that I hate with all within me, by the way.) I'm tired, I'm not as good as the rest, I stumble, i fall, I slow down, I can't breathe.... But I have to keep going, I want to reach the end. Some days I can fly, other days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. But I keep going. It is a conscious choice on my part to cooperate with God, to choose him in everything.

it's a choice I fail at constantly - but it's still a choice I make. I'm well aware I'm not perfect... *sighs*

It would be so easy to give up, to stay where it is comfortable. it would be so easy to stay within the cage. I could get used to it - could tell myself it was where I belonged. I could live with it.

But I would die of it too, and I know that. the end is worth the fight, and I have to remember it. When I want to give up, when I want to stay with what I know: I have to remember that. i can't give in to despair, I can't countenence self-pity. I know the truth and that is what I must hold to. It will be worth it in the end, I know it.

I know it.