And the Adulting Fun Continues....

Or the panic attacks. Mostly the panic attacks. I have panic attacks! I am so sick of this!!

Annnnnnd......I am writing this on Internet Explorer so surprise! I can't get pictures for this unless I want to download them all and then upload them and frankly that's too much work. And this still isn't my computer.

So! Moving on.

Also, her internet is restricted and now I can't get Clamavi de Profundis and I have found something else to complain about. What - is it too Latin and Tolkien??? ....TEASING!!!!!! I don't care, I've got my MP3 thankfully.

Or not because of the reasons for which I HVE the bloody thing of course.

I am so tired. I am so sick of this, so tired of trying to .... you know what? JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT HAVING TO BURN ALL BRIDGES BEHIND ME!!! Just once. Is that possible? I sure wouldn't know - it hasn't happened yet.

I moved. Again. Of which everyone knows and no is really reading this anyway sooooo....why do I keep doing this?

Right. Therapist's orders.

I might be in a venomous mood. Slightly.

And I got a job. Let's not forget that! I got a job. At McDonalds, for those who are curious (no one). Actually, I like it so far. I've only worked two days, but I liked it. I like the work and the clear expectations and duties, and the managers and other coworkers are nice as far as I can tell. Certain someone cynically reminds me it's a terrible place to work, but you know what? I don't bloody well care. I need experience, and that is what this is.

Surprisingly, I have a LOT of clothes and books.... Like...a LOT. Too much probably. But almost all of my stuff fills a living room, and is mostly clothes and books.

And I hate it. Because of what I have given up - because of what I had to leave behind. I don't have a family. this is Thanksgiving, right? It's supposed to be a time for families! I am here with a family that is splitting into factions, and I don't have a family any more!!!!!!

I don't have a family. My dad will never be able to forgive me unless he changes, and my mom will never love me enough to even see me unless something changes. My sister - the one I did all of this for - might never come to me. My brother is scared to lose my sister too, and I long to be able to tell him I am here for him too. The two youngest are too old to forget me, but can they forgive me? Can any of them forgive me? What am I to them? Will I ever see them again? Can we ever heal? I miss them. I miss them so much. I miss them and.... and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this choice and I cannot - will not - undo it. This was right. I know it is.

But I am sick of it. I wouldn't go back. I would never undo this. But I want a break. I am tired of this fight. I can't keep going - it feels as though there isn't a point.... I feel so alone, as if I am the only one fighting this battle; and I can't even see what it is that I'm fighting. Others can hand me the weapons, but no one can help me fight - no one can even tell me where to aim. I have to make decisions, and it feels as if everyone one I make just makes everything worse.

This is a battle I chose to fight - this is a battle I want to fight. But I don't have my reasons with me. My siblings are there, I know they still are - but will they even know what I did? Why I did it? I am the eldest, it is my job to be the guinea pig, to test the ice to make sure it is solid. I show them the safe path - I keep them from making the mistakes I did. I get the experience so they don't have to fall like I did. That's why I did this - that's why I....That is what makes this worth it.

It will be worth it. I will keep going and I will keep fighting and some day I will get through this. I will reach a point where I can look back and say I've won. I can't imagine how I will have healed or how I will have scarred by the time I reach that point; but I will get there some day. I will not give in. I will not give up. This is not the end. I am not alone. This is worth it. I can do this.

I just have to take each day at a time, just keep going. A war is impossible, but a single step isn't. I just can't give up. I can't surrender. I just have to keep going. Recovery isn't a straight line and I've already survived the abuse. I will survive the recovery as well. I will do this.

I have to. If not for myself, than for those who come after me. For my brothers and sisters who will need family. I will go through exile alone so they never have to. I will make mistakes and relapse so I can help them. I will be alone so I can be there for them.

And this isn't as bad as I think it is anyway, I know. It's probably worse.

But I will survive. I will do more than survive: I will live.

Also? I found a new word for what the numbness of depression is like: Novocain. The simile wouldn't have occurred to me because I've never been to the dentist, but someone else used it for themself, and it fits too well.

Stand My Ground

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape
Now once it sets its eyes on you
But I won't run,
Have to stare it in the eye

It's all around
Getting stronger, coming closer
Into my world

I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
Of the life I held so dear
But I won't run,
There's no turning back from here

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground