It must have been a few months ago now that I watched The Giver. It was a surprisingly good film - although I've never read the books - and this post will spoil it. Warning - turn back now if you care about that.
I have no idea what the background of the book is - no idea the inspiration or the intent. I only know it dealt with heavy moral issues and didn't shy away from them. I enjoyed it immensely and would watch it again. And I loved how the monochromatic was handled! I do love black and white films....
However, in watching it, something stuck out to me: Jonas' joy.
As he gets the memories, as he starts to see colour - his joy is overwhelming; his excitement! His happiness is palpable and yet.....he is alone. He can share it with no one - his family, his friends....they know nothing of the wonder and the beauty he sees and learns. And that was so familiar to me - that joy that just...ends because there is no one to share it with.... It is familiar to me.
See, Jonas' awe and joy with the memories and the newly revealed world? Is exactly my reaction to Catholicism. It's wonderful and beautiful and real and full and so. good. But.....no one understands. They are all Protestants, and....I can't begin to explain this peace and joy I have been shown. I can't begin to explain what the world really is - how COLOURFUL it is. I am alone. And so was Jonas.
anyway, from that it went onward until the whole story SO much symbolised my path to Catholicism that I loved the film even more.
Jonas is me - the convert. He had his life planned out, he knew what he would do - what he would believe. He knew his world - knew its rules. He knew what was expected of him and he never really questioned it. And yet....he saw things - every now and then something didn't fit right in the world he had been taught. But he brushed it off and continued in his life - in his role.
And then the Giver comes along. Then Jonas is sent to a teacher who begins to upset everything.
But Jonas doesn't know that at first! At first, it is nothing more than a novelty - something that easily fits inside the world he has always known. They are easily reconciled. He has a few new memories, the starting of emotion..... But nothing really more. He goes about his day to day life and that is it.
But he is curious. He knows the truth and he returns to it. He starts to compare the two worlds - the one he has always been taught was the only truth and the one that is being revealed as the final truth - and he finds inconsistancies. He finds....lack on the part of his accepted world - more and more he returns to the memories, to the 'new' world.
And the Giver is patient - he shows him, he teaches him. He guides Jonas - tries to ease him into it.
Do you know how terrifying Catholicism is? At first at least.
For me, it was something beautiful but wrong. It was always beautiful. I have my classical books and films to thank for that - I have images of stained glass windows and cathedrals to thank for that. I have God to thank for that because if not for my love of history - of all things old and traditional? I doubt I would have ever considered the Church.
Catholics were....admirable but misguided. Admirable because they followed all of these rules and really believed them - like Muslims do - and yet misguided because they worshipped Mary and Saints, and believed they ate blood and flesh during Communion which is too gross to be true in Christianity, and followed tradition, and generally were just another man-made religion. And yet I admired them because they had age to reccommend them, and they always seemed to have rules to follow - prayers to pray and feasts to keep.... And as I grew older, I began to long for it as well as admire it because they were one - they weren't split into fifty denominations or something like Protestant's were. Of course, they worshipped Mary - something that became the only thing holding me back in the end - and so were unacceptable for a true Christian to join; but......I longed for the tradition, the surety, the sameness.
Desperation and curiosity pushed me to learn more - more the former than the latter. I set out with the promise that the moment anything contradicted Scripture that I would turn away and never consider it again. But nothing ever did.
Point....what was my point.....
This is why I write outlines everybody! I don't do too well with streams of consciousness....
I knew the world - I knew what was real and what wasn't. I knew what was true and what wasn't. I knew how to speak - how to act. It didn't matter that I myself had so much issues with Protestantism and my faith (it was nonexistant) - I still knew what was right.
But then my Giver came. Then there was a spark of truth, a flash of colour. It was slow at first, but then I wanted more - I wanted all of it. I still do. There was joy, depth, clarity...
Stumbling blocks, certainly. As Jonas was uncertain of the Giver so I very often pulled away from Catholicism. It scared me. Still does at times. If Protestantism was right, then I am throwing away my salvation and turning to false gods. As Catholicism is right, none of my family are right. But they are content - it is all they had ever known. And I know what they know - the same monochromatic world with precision of language.... But there is a better world! There is a deeper truth.
Jonas wants to show joy, laughter, fun, love to his world - he was seeing all these wonderful things for the first time and he had no one to share them with.
Fiona is on the outside - she is his friend, his family. She is scared for him - she thrives in the world they were raised in - she has no desire for anything outside. He is asking her to look at water, to skip her medication, to try to feel - he is asking her..... He asks too much of her. But she tries.
I have a friend like that at least - a Protestant who will at least listen to me when I learn something new or find out something or just want to talk. She listens. She can't see the colours - but she at least listens.
And then I have the other friends that....don't. That can't see the colours and can't quite accept that I can. Well, they think I'm crazy - but still.
And then there are the people who think there is no difference at all between the world they see and the world I have come to see. They think it doesn't matter if one can see in colour or not - think it doesn't matter as long as the Trinity and Ressurection/Crucifixion are in place.
There is only one other Giver - I only know three Catholics. I want to show the whole world this greater and deeper truth I have been shown - I want everyone to be as relieved and overjoyed as I am! But I can't do that - I don't know how and.....
Eventually - the worlds stop meshing together. Eventually, the colour and the greyscale clash, and the memories and 'precision of language' contradict. Eventually, one has to choose. Do you stay with what's familiar? Do you stay with what you know? Do you take the easier route? Or do you take a risk? Do you trust the Truth?
Do you run away from the memories of war and pain, or do you speak against the lies?
It's terrifying. True, for me, Catholicism is the easier way because it makes SENSE - but....it's still the exact opposite of all I have been raised in. But it is still terrifying.
Things I took for granted - the Bible, the interpretation, the view of SCIENCE, morality... I can't take them for granted. Even after I have accepted Catholicism as true, I learn new things that...shake everything I've known.
At least I don't have weeks where I question the existence of God at all.....
But it is terrifying. And so lonely.
I don't wish I hadn't seen the Church. I don't wish it wasn't real. It's wonderful - worthwhile. But sometimes I wish I weren't alone.
Catholicism has all that Protestantism had - but more. Where once God was distant, seemingly uncaring for the blind, stupid Christian's struggling along; now he is loving, providing for all sorts of people. He is merciful.
I doubt I'll ever really get rid of what I've learnt in Protestantism. It's what I was raised in - my paradigm. And yet....it's like Narnia. Compared to the world without God, Narnia is vibrant and real and so very, very, very tangible. But when you go to Aslan's land? The REAL Narnia?
That's what Catholicism is, in a way. Going deeper and further into vibrancy and colour and faith and always finding new truths - new wonders. It never ends - I can keep going and exploring and God will keep teaching me.
I feel so lonely sometimes. But compared to what I felt before? At least now there are Angels, Saints - I'm not reallly alone. And my prayers are heard. It's a relief.
