This Is Getting to be a Habit...

Because apparently I don't have enough fodder for a happy blog post...here is another self-pitying rant that I really shouldn't be indulging in - but why the heck not?

Yes, this blog post is mentally written with an R rating for Language, but I will keep this blog at least generally clean. Excepting violence of course.... *smiles*

I want to scream. I want to scream at everyone - make them break. I want to make them feel what I am feeling. I want to lash out and hurt them - I want to hurt myself. I.... I feel nothing, I feel everything. I feel angry, because I feel nothing and I can't....

I know this too well. I know what this is - I know where this goes. I know these lies, but I can't resist this. I am drowning here, slipping away, losing everything, and I can't pull myself back. I need help, but it is like no one even sees or cares. "It's alright." "You just need to lighten up." "I'm trying so hard!" "I have to try to read you!" "Life is hard."

yeah. I know. Trust me. I know. I know it is alright. I know I need to lighten up. I know you're trying. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know life is hard. I know I'm a mess. I know, I know, I know, I know.....

I don't know how to heal. I cannot lighten up - I don't think you understand. I can't have fun. I can't lose my dignity. I can't lose. I know this is all a lie, I know this is all in my head, but you know what? I know that bloody well doesn't matter. Just because this is all a hell invented for me by my messed up head doesn't make the struggle any less real, doesn't make the isolation any less real.

So I want to lash out. I want to turn everyone else's perfect world into the hell I feel inside. I want to break them - I want to tear apart everything they hold dear, and what kind of monster am I for that?? What sort of messed up creature am I that hates other people because they are happy?

Why can't I heal? Why can't I just be better?

This is a pity party. But at the same time, it isn't. I want help, but it's all so stupid.

It's all so pointless.

Lighten up, they say. You're chasing everyone away, they say. You have to let things close - you have to love, they say.

You know what, honey? I know. I know. I know and it is killing me and I don't know how to fix this. I let myself relax after I moved out - I let myself be safe, and you know what happened? Every relationship I valued suffered. Now I am trying to pull back - to go back to what worked, and it isn't working yet. Nothing is working. Now I am terrified. I moved out to heal, to actually live. What if in the process, I lose all that was good? What if I destroy all that helped me?

I would rather die than do that, and I am not exaggerating. I am not more important than all of my friends - my family. if my healing comes at their cost? I don't think I want it. I don't think it's worth it.

Tell me it is alright. Tell me it will work out. Tell me this is all in my head. Tell me you are there for me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I can do this. Tell me this is worth it.

Tell me everything and tell me nothing, because I'm not worth it. It can't make a difference. No one can see the cliff I am falling off of - even I can't - so how is anyone supposed to save me from it?

I just want to live. I just....I want to live.

EDIT

I found this song.....