Do. Not. Read. If read, you are on your own....

I am so tired. I feel like I am just destroying everything around me. I feel like everything I do is just hurting everyone. I don't know what everyone is thinking - I can't believe anyone when they say it's okay. I can't believe anyone when they say they don't hate me. I can't believe anyone when they say they want to still be friends. And I don't even know why.  I don't know what is wrong, but I can't trust anyone. I can't trust myself - I cannot believe that I am not hurting them.

And I know I am hurting them by not being able to trust them.

What can I do?

My first reaction is to hide it - to pretend everything is alright. But what am I supposed to do with that?? When they hurt me, am I supposed to just ignore it? What am I supposed to do - just roll over and take it? Why do I have to be careful of their feelings? Why do I have to be careful of them? Why do I not matter? Why are my feelings unimportant? Why am I unimportant?

Why don't I matter? why am I not allowed to hurt? Why am I just....

I thought it was alright. I thought that maybe it would be alright. Now I know it was all a lie and it just..... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix any of this. I just want to pretend - to wear a mask and make them feel good.

I feel like that's what they want me to do. I feel like they want an apology for all that I am. But I know that's not what they want, so I don't know how to give them what they want. I don't know what to do...

Someone told me to write a letter. I probably shouldn't post this here. But it isn't like much people read this anyway. that's a good thing.

i just want to be safe. I just want to be held. I just want to forget everything - to take a break. I want....

I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop worrying. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. i don't want to read into every tiny bit of anything anyone says or does in realation to myself. I want to be able to plan. I want to not panic. I want to....

I want to know who I am. I want to be myself. I don't know anything about myself though..... I just want....

i want something, but I don't know what I want. I want help.