A New Day

"A Saint is a sinner who keeps Trying."

-- Josemaria Escriva

A new day, a new week, a new chance....

I never understood unworthiness. I never understood the Confiteor. I never understood...any of that. I mean, really? "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee..."? Rather, drmatic, don't you think?

Apparently not. If anything, it isn't strong enough.

How do you keep from doing something if you aren't really even sure what it is exactly that you did? I have an idea, but only because it is following a pattern I have had in the past: I get irritated and frustrated with the wrongs others are commiting around me, and then shortly thereafter I realise that I am doing the EXACT same thing. (So then, of course, I have to stop being irritated with them and focus on correcting myself, but...) Here I am irritated with hypocrisy and self-righteousness and....And here I am with the same attitudes.

But how did it come out? How can I keep it from coming out? How can I get rid of it? If I didn't even know it was there, if I honestly thought that I was in the right and behaving humbly....

yes, yes, I know.... Don't get worked up about it too much, it's not the end of the world (THANK GOD) and I am not the most worthless person in the world and I am still a baby Christian and.....

So on and so forth. I can repeat the anti-depressive points as well as everyone else.

But the truth is still there and I will not excuse myself. I destroyed one friendship, and probably caused problems with several others - I never, ever, ever want to do so again. Once I know where I have a fault, I should be more careful to keep from it!

It is overwhelming and I want to throw in the towel and give up. It would be easier.

Prayer.... It almost scares me. Trusting God scares me - having faith scares me. (Which scares me more because, that which I fear will come upon me? I know, I know: doesn't quite work that way.) I preferred a Christianity that was Natural, that was explainable. I preferred a world without angels or demons or miracles or faith or....anything like that. I prefered a scientific world - a reasonable world. it certainly didn't seem that much to ask.

Sure, I believed every word of the Bible was true, sure I believed that miracles and inexplicable things happened to the very real people therein; but.... But, well, that was then, right? Now.... Now we had cars and cell phones and men didn't wear dresses and women had a vote and a choice and were worth more than a few cows, and the supernatural was only a thing of the past. Demons were burning in hell, and angels worshipped in heaven, and gaurdian angels were a thing people told little babied, and demon possession was just a thing of horror films. That was all. The world was logical, and made sense. I was comfortable and that was fine. I believed in God, in his Son, and I prayed but.... Well, God doesn't answer in an audible voice, and really the only reason for praying was to get saved. Nothing else really mattered - you were on your own.

No. I do NOT like realising that a world where the Saints and angels are able to help me is also a world where...well, where they CAN help me. That is just weird.

What was my point.... Good grief. I lost it....

Ach, I give up.

I wish I could get rid of the sickening feeling inside me. I wish I could feel alright - didn't feel so hopelessly worthless. I wish I could believe this will work out, that I won't turn around and feel it all yanked out from underneath me again. I wish I could stop waiting for the other shoe to fall.

but I can't. Not yet. Not for a while. It's not right yet - I haven't made it right. Nothing bad has happened - I haven't been punished, so it isn't alright.

I know that way of thinking can cause problems, but I can't help it now. It's all I know. And right now I am just.....existing. Caught between waiting for the punishment I deserve and the longing to believe that it will be alright.

Which leads me back to my original point of I have no idea how to keep from making this mistake again.